A reminder

• Jerry Rice did it in a 12-game season.
• 16-0 isn't a perfect season; the only number that matters is 19-0.
• I really don't want to hear about it.

Fuck

FUCK

Week 16 predictions

It's not all bleak though, is it? Let's make some fucking predictions.

Thursday
Pittsburgh Steelers at St. Louis Rams - The Rams will be looking to play spoiler, but they're not nearly good enough.


Saturday
Dallas Cowboys at Carolina Panthers - Not even Jessica Simpson's presence could fuck this up. The Panthers are struggling thanks to injuries.


Sunday
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at San Francisco 49ers - Sports radio was talking about how going to San Francisco fucks up an East Coast team. Possible explanations were jetlag, dehydration, and black magic. Either way, the Bucs just clinched their division and are playing shit hot right now.

New York Jets at Tennessee Titans - Who would've thought that the AFC South would be the closest division at this point in the season? With the AFC pretty much wrapped up, the Titans are one of the few teams in the conference left alive in the struggle for the playoffs. If Vince Young doesn't fuck this up too bad, they'll win.

Baltimore Ravens at Seattle Seahawks - Baltimore's streak goes to 0-9.

Atlanta Falcons at Arizona Cardinals - What the Christ, Bobby Petrino?

Washington Redskins at Minnesota Vikings - Both teams would really like a stab at the playoffs, but the Vikes are home and Purple Jesus is vertical again.

Philadelphia Eagles at New Orleans Saints - The Saints are in trouble.

Oakland Raiders at Jacksonville Jaguars - The Jaguars have been playing lights-out lately. They're gonna want to lock up a playoff spot and beating up on Oakland should definitely help.

New York Giants at Buffalo Bills - The Giants need a win here, but Eli is sort of inconsistent. Y'know, in case you hadn't noticed.

Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots - Please? Let's face it, the '72 Dolphins being in Miami for the first win of the season doesn't mean shit. This is a Christmas miracle early.

Kansas City Chiefs at Detroit Lions - Another cripple fight for draft order. I'm just going with the home team here.

Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts - Yeop. Even with this loss, the Texans might still finish 8-8. I can't believe that's true.

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears - SUPER BOWL LOSER CURSE

Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals - Sorry, the Browns.


Monday
Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers - I like the Chargers personally, so let's say they win.

On not updating.

Well, I'd set myself some lofty goals this season to be sure. Is it possible for one man to update a football blog at least one day a week with picks and maybe a few interesting news items? For me, apparently not. Hell, what's the point anymore? The Patriots just keep on keepin' on. This is the blackest of football seasons for me. I hate the Patriots. I hate smug Beantown fucks. I hate hate hate the idea of New England going 19-0 this year. Sweet bleeding Jesus is it really down to the Dolphins and the Giants?

And it's the fucking bandwagon fans that kill me. The fucking stuck-up bitch at the bar who wouldn't serve me because my driver's license had expired? Wearing a Patriots hat. The chillax stoner server who later that same night brought pitcher after pitcher, shot after shot and thus earned himself a $10 tip on a $20 tab? Not wearing any sports team hat, but probably a fan of the Hurricanes. You do the math.

A friend of mine who's a Dolphins fan said he doesn't care that much about protecting the '72 Dolphins' record. I told him I couldn't care less about the '72 Dolphins. I just don't want the Patriots up there, too. Shit, let's have 31 teams up there. The Pats stay down. Fuck 'em. Forever.

Buccaneers fans, Browns fans, Indians fans, Phillies fans, and (I almost hate to say it) die-hard BoSox fans should be forming lynch mobs, patrolling the sports bars and living rooms for suspiciously new Patriots jerseys and hats. You don't get to root for a team just because a) they're winning now and b) you once had a 12-hour layover at Logan and your cousin's step-brother married a girl from Providence.

The best thing to come out of Boston was The Departed, and some of that was filmed in Brooklyn, so rim me, Beantown.

A final note: Any player who takes out Tom Brady for the season will get a $25 gift certificate to Applebee's, courtesy of Footlawl.

Week 7 Predictions

Sunday
Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos
St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks
Chicago Bears at Philadelphia Eagles
New York Jets at Cincinnati Bengals
Kansas City Chiefs at Oakland Raiders
Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Detroit Lions
San Francisco 49ers at New York Giants
New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins
Minnesota Vikings at Dallas Cowboys
Baltimore Ravens at Buffalo Bills
Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints - Cripple fight home-team special.
Arizona Cardinals at Washington Redskins

Monday
Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars - The Colts always have trouble with the Jags for some reason.

Week 6 Predictions

Sunday
New Orleans Saints at Seattle Seahawks
Oakland Raiders at San Diego Chargers
New England Patriots at Dallas Cowboys - Please?
Carolina Panthers at Arizona Cardinals
Washington Redskins at Green Bay Packers
Tennessee Titans at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
St. Louis Rams at Baltimore Ravens
Philadelphia Eagles at New York Jets
Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears
Miami Dolphins at Cleveland Browns
Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars
Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs - LJ might actually break out against a team with as few healthly linebackers as the Bengals.

Monday
New York Giants at Atlanta Falcons

Week 4 Predictions

Yeah, yeah, it's 8:30 on Sunday, how can he possibly make predictions? Look, I've been at work all day so the only things I know about this week are 1) The Miami game was delayed by rain; 2) The Buccaneers won, but I would've picked them to win anyway.

Sunday
Pittsburgh Steelers at Arizona Cardinals
Kansas City Chiefs at San Diego Chargers
Denver Broncos at Indianapolis Colts - The Colts and the Patriots are far and away the two toughest teams to beat in the NFL right now.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers
Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers
St. Louis Rams at Dallas Cowboys - Romo is doin' thangs.
Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins - Will Daunte Culpepper leave Miami thinking they let him go too soon? Or will he again mourn the loss of Randy Moss?
New York Jets at Buffalo Bills
Houston Texans at Atlanta Falcons
Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings - I'd really liked to have seen this, the game in which Dan Marino's career TD record gets broken.
Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns
Philadelphia Eagles at New York Giants

Monday
New England Patriots at Cincinnati Bengals - Not a good week for home teams if I'm right on these.

Weeks 2 and 3 Recaps

Didn't get a chance to fire one of these off last week, so let's consolidate. Week 2 left me 9-7 for the week and 20-12 on the season. Week 3 I went 8-7 for 28-19 overall. Fan-fuckin'-tastic.

Week 3 Predictions

So this is my dedication to you, the faceless readers: Here I am in a Mariott in Hotlanta, kinda buzzed after an open-bar wedding reception. I'm in the lobby with a mini bottle of white Merlot from Sutter Home, as Saving Private Ryan plays on TBS on the big TV about 40 feet to my right. I've got to be awake in 5 hours to drive back to Orlando to get in in time for my shift at work, but such is my dedication, faceless readers, that I went to the lobby (away from my drunk girlfriend) to update with my picks. I fucking hate you, faceless readers.


Sunday
Dallas Cowboys at Chicago Bears - The Bears will still allow huge points.
New York Giants at Washington Redskins - The Giants will still allow huge points.
Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons - I saw people checking in to the hotel with Peppers jerseys in tow. Leftwich is set with the Falcons but I don't know if he'll play. Either way, it won't make a fucking bit of difference.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Denver Broncos - Jville is gonna be good this year but I dunno if they can handle the Donkos a mile above sea level.
Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders - Sweet Jesus what a stinker of a matchup.
Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks - Home team.
St. Louis Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - All aboard the busted-ass broke down Jeff Garcia bandwagon!
San Francisco 49ers at Pittsburgh Steelers - Upset special. The Steelers aren't as good as everybody wants them to be. Fucking bank on this. I promise you.
San Diego Chargers at Green Bay Packers - :favreduck:
Minnesota Vikings at Kansas City Chiefs - I don't want to upset my current girlfriend by picking my ex-girlfriend's team over her team.
Miami Dolphins at New York Jets - One of the best rivalries in the NFL comes to this.
Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans - The Texans' D is expected to do well because they have so far. The Colts lost the last time they played Houston at home, but I really think Indy is gonna blow Houston away.
Detroit Lions at Philadelphia Eagles - Westbrook carries the team to victory.
Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots - The New England Patriots: Cheating Our Way to Victory Since 2001.
Arizona Cardinals at Baltimore Ravens - Whatever. Bird-based teams don't interest me.

Monday
Tennessee Titans at New Orleans Saints - They'll be pissed after losing to the Bucs and the Titans aren't that hot. Plus they'll be in the Superdome, where the ghosts of all the disenfranchised blacks displaced by Katrina will haunt the visiting team with visions of pooing on each other and rapes and murders.

15SEP07 - Where Were You?

So apparently Blogger is run by fucking homos so I can't embed a movie directly. Having said, that, you best peep this shit. It's videos and pictures from UCF's inaugural home game against the Texas Donghorns.

College Companion

Continuing my determination to look at college football on a writing basis, we'll turn our attention to Week 3.

Thursday brings us #4 West Virginia visiting Maryland. I'd reckon WV beats the hell out of the Terps. Also, TCU plays at Air Force. Who cares.

Friday brings an 8:00 PM matchup between Oklahoma State @ Troy. I guess Troy will win 'cause they're the home team? I don't know. As I said, 119 teams is a lot to keep track of. I like it better when ranked teams play unranked teams (and then Div I-AA teams beat #5 teams).

So, on to Saturday. Fuck all the noon kickoffs. The 1:00 PM kickoffs suck, too, unless you've got a hardon for #20 Clemson against Furman. Wasn't he the racist cop that planted evidence to frame OJ? Anyway, there's fuck all on TV until 3:30 PM so you can sleep in Saturday. Just make sure you're awake for #22 Tennessee's trip to #5 Florida. Football Jesus AKA Tim Tebow will have his first real test Saturday. Me, I'll be walking about a mile to the new UCF stadium to see the Knights take on the 'Horns in the opening game at Brighthouse Stadium. After a quarter or so of play, when the Longhorns are up 31-3, I'll probably walk home and catch the rest of the Tenn. - UF game. Also at 3:30, Notre Dame visits Michigan. It'd be great if it were possible for both teams to wind up 0-3 but someone's got to win so I hope it's Michigan because fuck the Irish. Right up the ass.

So at 8:00 PM, #1 USC visits #14 Nebraska. It's on ABC, so this'll be my first chance to see USC in action this year. Frankly, I don't buy it. When USC is made to play LSU or VA Tech, I'll respect them. Until then, keep beating up on San Jose state, you fucking Left Coast queers. Hopefully Nebraska will husk your corn, whatever that means. Also, #21 Boston College visits #15 Georgia Tech, which is one of the only games where two ranked opponents play each other this week. I'll take the rambling wrecks from Georgia Tech.

9:30 brings #24 Hawaii to UNLV, where Colt Brennan will throw for 8,000 yards and 40 TDs and people will still talk about him deserving a Heisman despite the fact that any jackoff could throw for those kinds of numbers in the WAC.

10:00 PM gives FSU a chance to visit the Colorado Holed-up-in-a-cave-in-a-Mountainmen. Fuck the 'Noles. End transmission.

Week 2 Predictions

Yo, I'm drunk as a lemur so let's do this shit:

Sunday
San Diego Chargers at New England Patriots - Definitely THE game of the weekend. These two teams will meet again for the AFC Championship.
Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos - Look, the Raiders are fucking terrible, the Donkos are decent... this is a no-brainer.
New York Jets at Baltimore Ravens - Picking the home team. It's a tough start to the season for the East Rutherford Jets, but they'll be close to AFC contention this season.
Kansas City Chiefs at Chicago Bears - Kansas City more like Kansas Shitty. Larry Johnson is not in football shape and will underperform yet again. Start Brode Croyle, start Damon Huard, it don't matter, man. You're doomed, Herm.
Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals - The superior bird-based team comes out on top.
Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions - A fucking shock, I know. The Lions will be 2-0 for the first time since 1927.
Dallas Cowboys at Miami Dolphins - The Dolphins just don't have what it takes to compete against Romo and TO. Dallas put up 45 fucking points last week for crying out flavin'.
San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams - I don't buy this hype about the Rams doing anything.
New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Please, prove me wrong, Bucs.
Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans - Laser, rocket arm. Peyton is pretty much unstoppable.
Houston Texans at Carolina Panthers - Houston won last week, but I don't think they'll be able to contain Peppers.
Green Bay Packers at New York Giants - Crazy, I know. New starting QB Jared Lorenzen weighs in at 285 with a BMI of 35.5, making him the heaviest QB in the league. Some nicknames to get you started talking about Lorenzen for the next month or so: Quarter (got) Back; Hefty Lefty; Battleship Lorenzen; J. Load/J. Lo; Barrel; BBQ (Big, Beautiful Quarterback); Round Mound of Touchdown; and my personal favorite, Pillsbury Throwboy. You're welcome.
Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns - Browns are still terrible!
Buffalo Bills at Pittsburgh Steelers - Fuckin' Roflberger.
Atlanta Falcons at Jacksonville Jaguars - Dear Falcons, your starting QB is Joey Harrington. You could've had Schaub. Suckers.

Monday
Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles - Monday night, at home, against the Redskins. Eagles by a huge margin.

Week 1 Recap

11-5 last week, 11-5 on the season.

I'm surprised by: Houston, Brett Favre, Eli Manning.
I'm not surprised by: Peyton Manning.

Brett Favre played with a hell of a lot of heart and intensity Sunday, as he always has. Trademark shovel passes as he's being sacked without resorting to GUNSLINGIN' means a nice win for the Packers. Truthfully, I like Favre and would like to see him go out on a 10-6 season. Along the way he will break the NFL records for career TDs and INTs. Bank on it.

Eli looks like he might be coming into his own, pulling his head out and playing ball. We should see some great performances from him in the coming weeks. Oh wait, his shoulder got separated. Shit.

Houston. Matt Schaub finally gets a chance at starting and does pretty fuckin' well. Granted, it was against Kansas City, but still. These guys might go 9-7 and be a quasi AFC South contender for 3rd place.

College Collage

Why not? Let's take a look at some NCAA highlights for the upcoming week. I'm just sitting here eating leftover stir-fry, you're sitting here reading this, admit it: we've both got nothing better to do.

The early-week games look pretty one-sided. #10 Louisville's gonna piss all over Middle Tennessee State on Thursday and #16 Rutgers shouldn't (sadly) have too much trouble handling Navy on Friday. Thursday does give us Oregon State @ Cincinnati, though. Last year, both teams were fairly entertaining to watch as early-week contenders, so there's that. Of course, here's to hoping for a MTS rout of Louisville. Every week should have an Appalaichan State @ Michigan game.

Obviously the real meat-and-taters is Saturday. I'll have to set my alarm clock to make sure I'm awake by 11 AM for the first game of the day. Honestly, who scheduled these games this year, the schools or the TV networks? Can we perhaps return to sanity next year? Miami has their second noon kickoff at #8 Oklahoma. Of course I pick the 'Canes because of blind homerism.

Personally I don't give a shit about any other games until 5PM, when UAB will (hopefully) begin to kick the shit out of the 'Noles. At 6, the Gators take on Troy, which will be broadcast nationally exactly nowhere. However, Notre Dame visits #17 Penn State where they will (hopefully) lose again so that my two most-hated NCAA teams are 0-2 to start. Then at 7, #22 TCU visits #4 Texas. The only reason I give a shit is some arrogant TCU cocksucker telling everyone that they'd be #1 by the end of the season and we'd all be legally bound to worship at the shrine of some dumbass nobody's ever heard of who is also TCU's starting whatever. I really want Texas to royally fuck TCU up for that, and then on the last play, for TCU to somehow injure every starting Longhorn so they're nice and soft for UCF on the 15th.

Anyway, the big game is at 9:15: #9 VA Tech @ #2 LSU. Should be a fucking awesome game.

Week 1 predictions

Regular season football is finally fucking here. Let's get this show on the road:

Thursday
New Orleans at Indianapolis - This is probably what the Superbowl should've been. As good as the Saints were last year (and will be this year), good AFC teams beat good NFC teams.

Sunday
Atlanta at Minnesota - Neither of these teams are very good, although the Vikes could have an offense decent enough to wine a few games.
Carolina at St. Louis - Home team.
Denver at Buffalo - Buffalo's not quite there. The Donkos are hoping they have everything in place to go to the Super Bowl now that The Snake is gone.
Kansas City at Houston - If Matt Schaubb can stay upright.
Miami at Washington - The Redskins aren't being hailed as championship contenders this year, which might mean they actually are somehow?
New England at N.Y. Jets - As much as I hate it, it's really tough to pick against the Patriots.
Philadelphia at Green Bay - Brett Favre should just stick to being a fantasy football QB.
Pittsburgh at Cleveland - The Steelers aren't that good anymore, Roethlisberger is overrated, the bandwagon is no longer a fun place to be, and this will be the year all of these crushing realizations come down on Steelers fans... but they're still better than the Browns.
Tennessee at Jacksonville - The Jaguars will probably be a little disorganised after Leftwich's release.
Chicago at San Diego - Huge blowout potential here.
Detroit at Oakland - Cripple fight!
Tampa Bay at Seattle - Prove me wrong, Bucs.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas - This game should give a good indication of whether or not Romo is for real and if Eli can finally get his fucking head in the game and play for 60 minutes.

Monday
Baltimore at Cincinnati - The Ravens' D is getting old. They're still gonna be a solid unit this year, but they're away, so why not?
Arizona at San Francisco - The '49ers are a far superior team. Also, I'd like more Monday Night Football double-headers. It's pretty exciting, actually. When football is still on at midnight, I feel like I'm living on the West Coast.

Preseason Week 4 recap

Who gives a shit.

It is SO on.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-bTAnm95hPQ
Well, whaddya know, FSU did collapse against Clemson. They looked like the same loveable bunch of shitty football players I remember from last year. I'm honestly surprised Coach Foghorn Leghorn didn't follow last year's strategy of starting Xavier Lee in the 2nd half, although Drew Weatherford did do pretty well in trying to orchestrate a comeback drive. So, there's that.

Terrible Secrets of Space

1) David Garrard is the starting QB for the Jags. I can't imagine anybody ever trusting anything Jack of the Rio says again.
2) Unless #19 FSU collapses against Clemson on Monday, #5 Michigan is one of two top 25 teams to enter week 2 0-1. The other is, of course, Tennessee, which is what you get for not scheduling a rent-a-win.

At this point, Michigan does not deserve to be in the top 25 for the rest of the year. It's one thing for the Florida Gators to lose to #11 Auburn and still go to the championship game. It's quite another for the 5th best team in the country to lose to a Div-IAA team, even if they are back-to-back defending national champions of Div-IAA football. Michigan fans: your whole team got caught looking forward during WEEK 1 for fuck's sake. How does that even happen?

Next two opponents for Michigan: Oregon, Notre Dame
Next two opponents for Appalachian State: Lenoir Rhyne, N. Arizona

Ladies and gentlement, the prosecution rests. Strike Michigan from the top 25, install Miami. Trust me on this. Miami will finish the season in the top 25 100% guaranteed. Top 10? Not unheard of. Mark it.

College Footlawl

Today marks the start of football games that actually mean something as college football (FINALLY!) begins. I generally shy away from paying too much attention to college football since I have enough trouble keeping up with the 32 NFL teams so the 1,000,000,000 or so NCAA teams out there are a bit much. It seems like new schools are being founded each year just so the top 10 teams have a few cupcake whipping posts to start the year 2-0. But hey, that didn't stop UCF from losing to made-up-sounding East Carolina last year.

Some highlights tonight include Miami, Ohio playing hilariously-named Ball State; Southeast Missouri State visiting the Cincinnati Bearcats, my absolute favorite mascot name. I guess Tulsa gets a mention, since they're the Golden Hurricane and I can't possibly fathom how they ever thought hurricanes = Oklahoma. If you've got a black-and-white monitor or are a dog, you'll delight in watching Weber State play on Boise State's awful blue carpet on ESPN360. Oh, and #2 LSU takes on #85 Mississippi State tonight, which is what I'll be watching because who doesn't love SEC powerhouses beating the shit out of shithole programs? Of course, the first national broadcast is Tulsa at Louisiana-Monroe on ESPN2, but the thing is who cares?

And hey, since I'm basically shouting in an empty room and like the sound of my own voice, let's blather on about more upcoming exciting games!

Friday has just two games: Navy @ Temple (7:30, ESPNU) and Washington @ Syracuse (8:00, ESPN). Fun fact: Navy had the #1 rushing offense in the country last season. True story. 19 guys rushed at least once for a grand total of 3,929 yards. Total pass yards for Navy? 728.

Saturday's schedule threatens to overwhelm my scrollwheel. Let's take a look at who some top-ranked teams are taking on in week 1: #5 Michigan faces Appalachian State; #9 Virginia Tech faces aforementioned East Carolina; #11 Ohio State faces Youngstown State. Only #15 Tennessee looks to face any real competition in week 1, going against #12 California.

Sunday only gives us one game, and it's only on Sunday because it starts at 5 minutes past fucking midnight and won't be nationally broadcast anywhere. Northern Colorado flies 400,000 miles to get their jet-lagged asses handed to them by #23 Hawaii. This is the first time Hawaii's ever been ranked, and perhaps rightfully so. This kid Colt Brennan threw for 5,549 yards and 58 TDs last season, but honestly how hard can it be in a conference featuring powerhouses like Utah State and (for some reason) Louisiana Tech?

Monday brings what will no doubt be a very exciting game as Texas Tech travels to hated rival Southern Methodist. (I have no idea if they are actual rivals.) ESPN somehow managed to secure the broadcast rights to this exciting matchup. After the game, stay tuned to ESPN (assuming your faces weren't rocked off by the last game) 'cause #19 Florida State visits Clemson. Maybe set an alarm or something in case you fall asleep during the 4-o'clock game.

So that's college this week. Hooray! It's finally football season!

Preseason predictions Week 4

Fuck. Last week I'll have to do this and not care. No starters are expected to play more than a few downs if at all, so this is pretty much the most meaningless thing ever. Let's do this!

Thursday
Buffalo @ Detroit
Washington @ Jacksonville
NYJ @ Philadelphia
NYG @ New England
Dallas @ Minnesota
Pittsburgh @ Carolina
Houston @ Tampa Bay
Miami @ New Orleans
Kansas City @ St. Louis
Cleveland @ Chicago
Green Bay @ Tennessee
Arizona @ Denver
San Francisco @ San Diego
Oakland @ Seattle

Friday
Baltimore @ Atlanta
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati

Thank God that's fucking done with.

Preseason Week 3 recap

I was 12-4, a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar was 9-7, bringing our totals to 16-16 and 15-17 respectively. This is about what I expected. I think next week I'll go 8-8 and a 1967 John. F. Kennedy half-dollar will go 9-7.

Actually, fuck that. You're fired, 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar. Turn in your badge and gun and get the hell out of my office.

i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me

what da fuck is cold cereal

"Shattered Expectations"

So I've just started a league with The Onion's fantasy football program. I know, I know: yawn, I've got my Yahoo! team, my ESPN.com team, whatever. They all want you to have QBs that throw for 450 yards a game, RBs who go for 225 yards, and Ds that force fumbles and INTs on their way to 16 shut-outs.

Well, if you're familiar with The Onion, you'll know they're not exactly conventional. Their game is called "Shattered Expectations." They force you to pick the worst possible players each week and you are rewarded for their nonperformance. But it's not as easy as flipping a coin and choosing between the Bucs or the Dolphins.

Since it's "Shattered Expectations," the players you choose come from a set pool, each with their own lofty expectations. Week 1 has Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger available among possible starting QBs.

It's really a challenging way to re-think your Sunday afternoons. Rather than hope LdT rushes for 200 yards and catches 10 passes, hope Denver's D can shut San Diego down just enough that Nate Kaeding has an opportunity to miss a few 35-yarders.

Once you've followed the link to sign up and have picked a team name and selected a starting lineup, join the Footlawl League. The league name is (obviously) Footlawl. The password is nflol.

There you have it, the gauntlet has been thrown. Sign up, you punks. Prepare for humiliation at the hands of a team named Unicorns are Pretty.

Preseason predictions Week 3

And now for what I really hate doing but can't stop because I'm determined to predict every game this season: preseason guessing games!

Thursday
Me: Jacksonville @ Green Bay
A1967JFKHD: Jacksonville @ Green Bay - The Packers have already had their 40+ point game this season.

Me: New Orleans @ Kansas City
A1967JFKHD: New Orleans @ Kansas City - I seriously hate doing this.

Friday
Tennessee @ Buffalo - Why not?

New England @ Carolina - Sure.

Me: St. Louis @ Oakland
A1967JFKHD: St. Louis @ Oakland - The Raiders are just plain terrible. I'd hold out indefinitely if I was Jamarcus Russell, too.

Saturday
Detroit @ Indianapolis - Check it to pancakes.

Tampa Bay @ Miami - Please?

Me: NY Jets @ NY Giants
A1967JFKHD: NY Jets @ NY Giants - This boggles my mind. How can the Jets be away? How do they handle tickets? That, to me, is the real story here.

San Francisco @ Chicago - Grossmania.

Baltimore @ Washington - Seriously I want the regular season to hurry the fuck up and get up in this bitch.

Me: Dallas @ Houston
A1967JFKHD: Dallas @ Houston - It'd be nice if there was at least one interesting game.

Minnesota @ Seattle - It ain't gonna be this one.

Me: Cleveland @ Denver
A1967JFKHD: Cleveland @ Denver - I know, it's crazy picking Cleveland to do anything, but like 20 Donkos got injured last week.

San Diego @ Arizona - LdT will only play two series but he'll still manage 30 carries and 60 yards.

Sunday
Me: Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh
A1967JFKHD: Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh - I hope everybody in both these cities dies.

Monday
Me: Cincinnatti @ Atlanta
A1967JFKHD: Cincinnatti @ Atlanta - I'll admit, I was kind of surprised to see the Falcons put up a W last week. I know it's the preseason and anything can happen but I kind of figured the whole Vick thing would be on everyone's mind and they'd be distracted. Good for them. He'll be in Federal Pound-Me-in-the-Ass Penetentiary and the Falcons will (I only say this because it would be fucking hilarious, not because I want it in any way) go 19-0.

Thank God that's over with.

Preseason Week 2 recap

Wow, both myself and a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar did terribly this week. I was 4-12 and a 1967 John. F. Kennedy half-dollar was 6-10. That's pretty sad. Good thing it's preseason and none of this matters, right?

Preseason predictions Week 2

So last week I made an off-hand comment that all the picks were pretty much done by coin toss. It got me to thinking, and I wondered if I could out-pick a coinflip. Without any further ado, I introduce the newest Footlawl Team Member: a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar!





A 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar.
What an awful picture. Oh well, it's the best my $7 digital camera could do. So what do you say we get started picking this week's winners?

Please note: To conserve space, only the picks where myself and a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar differ are shown.

Thursday
Me: Miami @ Kansas City
A1967JFKHD: Miami @ Kansas City - Gonna have to disagree with you there, Mr. President. Miami's offense looked fucking awful last week.

Friday
Atlanta @ Buffalo - Even a coin older than Joey Harrington knows Joey Harrington sucks.

Me: Carolina @ Philadelphia - Zone blocking for the win.
A1967JFKHD: Carolina @ Philadelphia

Minnesota @ NY Jets - Minnesota status? Still terrible.

Tennessee @ New England - New England status? Still getting no respect. Vince Young continues to ride pine for fear of The Madden Curse.

Saturday
Me: Houston @ Arizona
A1967JFKHD: Houston @ Arizona - This is another one of those match-ups like Arizona and Oakland last week. Why even bother?

Me: Detroit @ Cleveland
A1967JFKHD: Detroit @ Cleveland - Nope, don't care.

New Orleans @ Cincinnati

Tampa Bay @ Jacksonville - Luke McCown destroys 2nd-team D.

Denver @ Dallas - I wouldn't root for Dallas if I was JFK, either.

Pittsburgh @ Washington - As long as Dan Snyder stalks the halls of the Redskins' front office, they will be an embarrassment to just about everybody.

Me: San Diego @ St. Louis
A1967JFKHD: San Diego @ St. Louis - I don't have much to say here except I hope the Chargers get their running back some field time. He's totally under-utilised and could truly be something great if Norv Turner gets him some touches.

Seattle @ Green Bay - It's really hard to find something meaningful to say about two times I couldn't give a shit less about.

Me: Oakland @ San Francisco
A1967JFKHD: Oakland @ San Francisco - The Raiders went 4-0 in the preseason last year and went 2-14 in the regular season. Don't expect anything different this year.

Sunday
Me: NY Giants @ Baltimore
A1967JFKHD: NY Giants @ Baltimore - Some guys on the radio today said Baltimore might be one of the best teams in football? Did they forget about the rest of the AFC?

Monday
Me: Chicago @ Indianapolis
A1967JFKHD: Chicago @ Indianapolis - Also a lot of people are predicting Indianapolis will tank. I wouldn't say "tank" is a good word, but unless Peyton Manning tracks down Dan Marino and buttfucks him raw then literally throat-fucks Tom Brady with his shit-covered cock, a lot of fans won't have their expectations met.

So there you have it. Wow, this was fucking retarded and way too labor-intensive.

Preseason week 1 recap

So, 9 for 7 on week 1. No real comments needed, it's preseason.

Preseason predictions Week 1

Thursday
Cincinnati at Detroit
Indianapolis at Dallas - The Colts' depth chart isn't that deep. Go Sorgi!

Friday
Atlanta at NY Jets
New England at Tampa Bay - I know I'm contradicting myself here, but fuck it guys, do it for the A-Train!
Buffalo at New Orleans - The Saints are consistently terrible in the preseason.
St. Louis at Minnesota

Saturday
Green Bay at Pittsburgh
Jacksonville at Miami
Kansas City at Cleveland
Carolina at NY Giants
Chicago at Houston
Washington at Tennessee
Arizona at Oakland - Whoever wins, we lose.

Sunday
Seattle at A Whale's Vagina

Monday
Philadelphia at Baltimore
Denver at San Francisco

Pretty much all results chosen by coin toss.

God fucking damnit

Second Neck Injury Forces Alstott to IR

Fuckin' Barry Bonds

Yo, fuck Barry Bonds. There, I said it. Tonight at trivia (I suppose I'll always remember where I was) we discussed the three possible options as a pitcher facing Mr. HGH:

1) Throw him a lame duck.
Rationale: Look, you're the Washington Nationals, you're not that hot, you may as well just serve it up to him. It'll taint his record like Brett Favre laying down for Michael Strahan and you'll be assured your spot in history, albeit as That Guy.

2) Pitch fucking mean heat.
Rationale: Look, you're the Washington Nationals, you're not that hot. At least go out there and be able to say "I threw my best against him and he hit the homer off it." Honorable.

3) Aim for the cup.
Rationale: Fuck this guy.

All perfectly reasonable options. I'd like to hear your own thoughts. Personally, I'd got for option 3, but that's because I'm a classless cocksucker. At least A-Rod is 2/3s of the way there.

Oh, and to keep it on topic, football happened last Sunday. Ben Roffleburger unleashed the dragon, Drew Brees rimmed asshole (1/6, 6 yards, 0/0), and I left before the 4th quarter started. I think maybe I am beginning to see what all the preseason Hatorade-drankin' is all about.

Back from the Dead

It's the most wonderful time of the year, ladies and gentlemen. No, I don't mean football season, it's Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. However, last Sunday has the distinction of being the last Sunday without an NFL broadcast til January. That said, let's take a look at the schedules of The U, Florida, and the Bucs and make some wild predictions based on nothing more than pure homerism.

The U
The U vs. Marshall
The U @ Oklahoma
The U vs FIU - Victory by way of horriffic brawl
The U vs Texas A&M
The U vs Duke
The U @ North Carolina
The U vs GA Tech
The U @ FSU - I hate to say it, but hey, I can't give The U a perfect season. I will, however, bet the 'Nole at work a bottle of wine that The U will beat the shit out of FSU.
The U vs NC State
The U vs Virginia
The U @ VA Tech
The U @ Boston College
ACC Championship: The U vs Wake Forest
National Championship: The U vs Some Sucka Team

Florida
Tim Tebow will either be the white Michael Vick (without being associated with the phrase "rape stands") or be completely uninteresting. Either way, go Gators!

Florida vs. Western Kentucky
Florida vs. Troy - The last of UF's rent-a-wins this season.
Florida vs. Tennessee
Florida @ Mississippi
Florida vs. Auburn
Florida @ LSU
Florida @ Kentucky
Florida @ Georgia
Florida @ Vanderbilt
Florida @ South Carolina - Steve Spurrier will have his revenge on the city of Gainesville.
Florida vs. Florida Atlantic
Florida vs. Florida State - Seriously, fuck the 'Noles.

The Buccaneers
John Gruden is making human sacrifices to the owl-god Moloch in hopes this is not another losing season so he can keep his job.

Preseason
Jesus, here he goes again, sucking the preseason's dick...

Bucs vs. The Patriots - It kills me to say this, it really does, but I think the Pats might go deeper on the depth chart. Unless of course special teams star *~Antoine Cash~* makes a big impact. Which he already has. On my heart.
Bucs @ Jaguars - Fuckin' Jacksonville.
Bucs @ Miami - The Dolphins are still awful.
Bucs vs. The Texans - Houston is still awful.

OMG Regular seasoning
The Bucs @ Seattle
The Bucs vs. New Orleans
The Bucs vs. St. Louis
The Bucs @ Carolina
The Bucs @ Indy
The Bucs vs. Tennessee
The Bucs @ Detroit
The Bucs vs. Jacksonville - Whuttup
The Bucs vs. Arizona
The Bucs vs. Bye Week
The Bucs @ Atlanta - We've got a history of embarrassing the Falcons at home. With Vick serving a 6-year prison sentence, why should this season be any different? (Note: Come Nov. 18, I will probably be eating my words)
The Bucs vs. Washington
The Bucs @ New Orleans
The Bucs @ Houston - Fuck you, Matt Schaubb
The Bucs vs. Atlanta
The Bucs @ San Francisco - Why not? Bill Walsh R.I.P., nigga
The Bucs vs. Carolina

And they go to the NFC Championship game and lose to the fucking Bears or something retarded like that.

Hiatus = over

So, I took a hiatus from writing in week 10 and completely whiffed out on any commentary for the next 9 weeks. Whoops.

Anyway, let's start this off with this heart-warming tale (or is it heart-worming) about Michael Vick being involved in underground dog fighting rings. I read a letter to the editor in the paper reminding us that despite the tragedy of the shooting, Virginia Tech has provided the world with good things. Name one. Go. Go go go. The commish is going to bring down the wrath of God if it can be proven the dogs were for more than just holding jewelry.

So, the draft is Saturday. I don't follow a lot of college football, frankly, so all this talk of Calvin Johnson and Jamarcus Russel and Brady Quinn is something I'll leave to those who do. I'll have analysis of picks, though, based on what ESPN tells me to think. I think if I were a coach I'd want to draft a guy with intangible character elements and the drive to utilise his tools to the fullest of his ability. That seems to be what everyone's after. Oh, and he should be able to run the 40 in 3.5 seconds wearing a drag chute. Uphill. Both ways.