Week 5 predictions

Projected winners are, as always, in bold.

Sunday
Buffalo at Chicago - BEEP BEEP all aboard the Grossman Express! I don't see how Buffalol could win this.

Cleveland at Carolina - Carolina won on the road last week, Keyshawn will get the ball more, Steve Smith has his Magic Stick for his hamstrings, and the Browns aren't that good.

Detroit at Minnesota - There's a bill being introduced in the Michigan state congress to allow fans to hold signs up that say "Fire Millen." The Lions are a mess.

Miami at New England - Speaking of trainwrecks, the Dolphins aren't doing so hot, either. New England's not exactly the same powerhouse they once were, but they're lightyears ahead of Miami.

St. Louis at Green Bay - The Packers are awful.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans - Bruce Gradkowski was so nervous during the opening minutes of the Bucs' first preseason game that he threw up, and he wasn't even set to play yet. If the Saints fans can muster the same kind of noise that they did against the Falcons, he won't even be able to leave the locker room. Poor kid.

Tennessee at Indianapolis - Laser, rocket arm.

Washington at N.Y. Giants - Santana Moss is looking pretty hawt.

Kansas City at Arizona - Kurt Warner (who is terrible) or Matt Leinart (who is a jerk surrounded by bad players)? Either way, your team is boned. When you've got people declaring "the era of Matt Leinart begins" followed by "the Matt Leinart era wasn't very long" because it's true, your team is in trouble.

N.Y. Jets at Jacksonville - The Jaguars are pretty damned good at stopping the run. The Jets don't have a running game. Maybe this will cause some sort of inverse, divide-by-zero scenario, but I doubt it. In short, the Jaguars are good; the Jets, not so much.

Oakland at San Francisco - Good Lord. Whichever network affiliates are carrying this game for the home crowd could just show a 3-hour block of Suddenly Susan and get higher ratings.

Dallas at Philadelphia - TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO ... I'd like to watch this game because it will probably be really good, but you can bet every dollar you have I'll be watching it with the sound muted.

Pittsburgh at San Diego - "Big" Ben Roethlisberger is overrated. People will say "Oh, it's a shame that the motorcycle accident fucked up his brain and made him mediocre" but no mainstream sportscaster will ever step up and say "Actually, he was never that good to begin with" unless ESPN hires me and makes me a mainstream sportscaster.

Monday
Baltimore at Denver - I believe in you, Jake the Snake. (This is why ESPN will never hire me and make me a mainstream sportscaster.)

9-5 last week I predicted (Week 3), 20-10 on the season.