Sunday
Arizona at Green Bay - Okay, the Cardinals put up 20 on the Bears and then blew it. I think the Cardinals (and/or anybody, really) could put up 20 against Green Bay. The difference between Green Bay and Chicago, though, is that Green Bay won't be able to force a complete meltdown in Arizona.
Tampa Bay at N.Y. Giants - Dare to dream, round 2. The Bucs have played and won some amazingly close games the past 2 weeks and this could be another one. Of course, it is cold and windy as hell in NYC right now, so we'll have to see if the Bucs can still win when it's sub-40*. Also, TIKI RONDE TIKI RONDE TIKI RONDE blah blah blah.
San Francisco at Chicago - No contest.
Seattle at Kansas City - No Hasselbeck or Alexander for Seattle. Gonna be tough.
Jacksonville at Philadelphia - This one's hard to pick. Both teams are coming off of complete boner losses last week and are going to want to prove legitimacy. Leftwich is out and Garrard is in. A lot of people think Garrard is a better QB than Leftwich, and they may not be wrong. Still, though, here's another game with a team from Florida playing in the cold, windy Northeast. I just happen to be more of a homer for the Bucs than for the Jags.
Houston at Tennessee - Whoever wins, we lose.
Baltimore at New Orleans - This should be a good game as the two big surprise teams take each other on. I'm taking the Saints because they're at home and the crowd seems to give a huge boost to the Saints this year. However, it's not just a home team coin flip; the Saints seem to be for real this season and the Ravens maybe not so much. We'll see, I suppose.
Atlanta at Cincinnati - The Bengals are just the better team. Aside from the Falcons putting up 4,000 rushing yards against the Bucs, I just don't think they're put together corectly just yet. Jim Mora, Jr. moves one loss closer to losing his job and Atlanta moves one season closer to getting completely sick of their 10-year deal with Michael Vick.
St. Louis at San Diego - Even without the steroid-enhanced Merriman, the Chargers are solid enough to win this.
Pittsburgh at Oakland - "Big" Ben Roethlisberger is still listed as "questionable." It doesn't matter if Charlie Batch plays or Roflberger plays; Oakland sucks and the Steelers are solid enough to win this with either of the two at QB.
N.Y. Jets at Cleveland - Yawn.
Indianapolis at Denver - Holy shit this game could be fucking awesome. The Colts cannot stop the run and the Donkos can run pretty damned well. The Colts are known for putting up gaudy numbers in the scores and the Donkos are (surprise!) known for not allowing TDs. The Pony Bowl could give Indy their first loss in the season. I like the Donkos in this game and if Jake the Missnake can keep his shit together, he'll be upgraded to plain old "the Snake" for the recap on Monday/Tuesday.
Dallas at Carolina - Yawn. The Cowboys are done.
Monday
New England at Minnesota - Superbowl-winning QB Brad Johnson (I know, right?) leads his team to victory. Tom Brady is playing with a bunch of weiners and the Vikings as a whole are a bunch of weiners. I wish we could get games like Indy @ Denver for primetime so I could hear stunning football analysis from Joe "Break a Leg" Theismann. What a weiner that guy is.
Anyway, see you Monday. Or Tuesday. Or whenever.
10/29/2006
10/24/2006
Week 7 recap
9-4 this week, 49-21 on the year.
I guess we'll start with Jacksonville's loss to Houston. What the hell? I've been sucking Jaguar cock all season so far and then they roll over to the fucking Texans? I mean, I know they're not quite the league joke they were last year (that honor goes to Oakland or possibly Arizona) but they're still not very good. They're certainly not 27 to 7 good, nor is Jacksonville that bad.
Next, the Falcons. Did I call it or did I call it? Pittsburgh can start chowing down on their French cries now that Roflberger's concussed. If he's not legally retarded at this point, I'll be very surprised. I bet his MRIs look like brain scans of methamphetamine addicts. I know it's tough to live up to a 15-0 season, but honestly Pittsburgh (and bandwagon fans): Roethlisberger will never be as good as he was, and he wasn't very good to begin with.
Oakland put up 22 points to Arizona's 9. The debate on which team is the flat-out worst in the NFL begins in earnest with this game. I mean, obviously Oakland is terrible, but remember that Arizona blew a 20-point lead against the Bears last week. I'll grant that it's not hard to lose to the Bears, but to put up 20 early and then blow the game is pretty fucking bad, and it's not an isolated incident. The season's almost half-over so there's still time for one of these teams to ultimately prove they're the worst in the NFL.
On to Seattle: If I genuinely believed in the Madden curse, I'd have a lot of evidence to back me up. First the cover-boy goes down and now their QB is out with a sprained knee. Maybe it's the Superbowl loser curse, though. Either way, the Seahawks are fucked for 3 weeks or so.
And on to the Monday Night Football game that just ended. Drew Bledsoe will follow in TO's footsteps this week with a suicide attempt after being benched for Tony Romo after the half. I'm not sure I agree with Bill Parcell's decision, frankly. Bledsoe was taking shots, yes, but that's the O-line's fault. If you watch replays of the sacks, the defense was coming across the line almost entirely unblocked. No QB in the league is going to be able to do anything with a porous O-line. Romo is, of course, far more mobile than Bledose, but Romo is essentially a rookie (4 years in the league but had only thrown 2 passes in his career) and was making rookie mistakes. The Cowboys are in a tough position, obviously, but Parcells fucked up by taking Bledsoe out. At this point he's moved all-in on an untested QB and can't go back to Bledsoe without looking like a jackoff. Romo better pan out or else all Dallas will have to look forward to is a chance at drafting Brady Quinn.
And last but certainly not least, how 'bout them Buccaneers? Jon Gruden's got to have some sort of pact with the devil to have the motivational skills he's got. And Matt Bryant must have liquid nitrogen in his veins. I mean, imagine that sideline conversation:
"30 seconds left and the game's on the line. Bryant, think you can boot the second-longest field goal in the history of football for the win?"
"You got it, coach."
And then (and this is the best part) he did. The NFC South got their licks in early, which might turn out to be a good thing. The Bucs are waking up and if Ronde Barber can prod the rest of the D into making plays, look the fuck out. The only major bummer was the 5 or 6 whiffed tackles on that Brian Westbrook play, but fuck it. 62 yards, baby.
I guess we'll start with Jacksonville's loss to Houston. What the hell? I've been sucking Jaguar cock all season so far and then they roll over to the fucking Texans? I mean, I know they're not quite the league joke they were last year (that honor goes to Oakland or possibly Arizona) but they're still not very good. They're certainly not 27 to 7 good, nor is Jacksonville that bad.
Next, the Falcons. Did I call it or did I call it? Pittsburgh can start chowing down on their French cries now that Roflberger's concussed. If he's not legally retarded at this point, I'll be very surprised. I bet his MRIs look like brain scans of methamphetamine addicts. I know it's tough to live up to a 15-0 season, but honestly Pittsburgh (and bandwagon fans): Roethlisberger will never be as good as he was, and he wasn't very good to begin with.
Oakland put up 22 points to Arizona's 9. The debate on which team is the flat-out worst in the NFL begins in earnest with this game. I mean, obviously Oakland is terrible, but remember that Arizona blew a 20-point lead against the Bears last week. I'll grant that it's not hard to lose to the Bears, but to put up 20 early and then blow the game is pretty fucking bad, and it's not an isolated incident. The season's almost half-over so there's still time for one of these teams to ultimately prove they're the worst in the NFL.
On to Seattle: If I genuinely believed in the Madden curse, I'd have a lot of evidence to back me up. First the cover-boy goes down and now their QB is out with a sprained knee. Maybe it's the Superbowl loser curse, though. Either way, the Seahawks are fucked for 3 weeks or so.
And on to the Monday Night Football game that just ended. Drew Bledsoe will follow in TO's footsteps this week with a suicide attempt after being benched for Tony Romo after the half. I'm not sure I agree with Bill Parcell's decision, frankly. Bledsoe was taking shots, yes, but that's the O-line's fault. If you watch replays of the sacks, the defense was coming across the line almost entirely unblocked. No QB in the league is going to be able to do anything with a porous O-line. Romo is, of course, far more mobile than Bledose, but Romo is essentially a rookie (4 years in the league but had only thrown 2 passes in his career) and was making rookie mistakes. The Cowboys are in a tough position, obviously, but Parcells fucked up by taking Bledsoe out. At this point he's moved all-in on an untested QB and can't go back to Bledsoe without looking like a jackoff. Romo better pan out or else all Dallas will have to look forward to is a chance at drafting Brady Quinn.
And last but certainly not least, how 'bout them Buccaneers? Jon Gruden's got to have some sort of pact with the devil to have the motivational skills he's got. And Matt Bryant must have liquid nitrogen in his veins. I mean, imagine that sideline conversation:
"30 seconds left and the game's on the line. Bryant, think you can boot the second-longest field goal in the history of football for the win?"
"You got it, coach."
And then (and this is the best part) he did. The NFC South got their licks in early, which might turn out to be a good thing. The Bucs are waking up and if Ronde Barber can prod the rest of the D into making plays, look the fuck out. The only major bummer was the 5 or 6 whiffed tackles on that Brian Westbrook play, but fuck it. 62 yards, baby.
10/17/2006
Week 7 predictions
And while I'm at it...
Sunday
Carolina at Cincinnati - Despite tough losses to New England and Tampa Bay, the Bengals are a legitimate team. Carolina's defense will be hard-pressed to stop Cincy's two receivers and their offense will be hard-pressed to utilize their one receiver.
Detroit at N.Y. Jets - The Jets aren't as awful as everyone thought they'd be this year. The Lions, however, are.
Green Bay at Miami - I honestly believe Miami is this fucking bad.
Jacksonville at Houston - This might be a close one, depending on which Houston shows up.
New England at Buffalo - Not much to say here, I'm afraid.
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay - Dare to dream. The Bucs will be pumped from their win last week.
Pittsburgh at Atlanta - The Falcons' D is gonna have extra helpings of Rofl Burgers while the city of Pittsburgh enjoys a side order of French Cries.
San Diego at Kansas City - BEEP BEEP it's the bandwagon! Santa better get started on making all the extra A Whale's Vagina jerseys that'll be ordered just in time for the playoffs.
Denver at Cleveland - Jake "the Missnake" Plummer is still hit-and-miss, but Cleveland doesn't have the tools to take advantage of his inevitable turnovers. Even if they did, the Donko defense is pretty goddamned good this year. One allowed TD in 6 weeks is mind-blowing.
Arizona at Oakland - Holy God this will be the worst game of football ever played. Arizona will jump out to an early 134-3 lead at halftime, but will bench the entire defense for the 3rd quarter, allowing an Oakland comeback. Just kidding. Oakland really blows and they will lose.
Minnesota at Seattle - Seacocks.
Washington at Indianapolis - Laser, rocket arm.
Monday
N.Y. Giants at Dallas - Michael Strahan breaks his season and single game sack records.
Sunday
Carolina at Cincinnati - Despite tough losses to New England and Tampa Bay, the Bengals are a legitimate team. Carolina's defense will be hard-pressed to stop Cincy's two receivers and their offense will be hard-pressed to utilize their one receiver.
Detroit at N.Y. Jets - The Jets aren't as awful as everyone thought they'd be this year. The Lions, however, are.
Green Bay at Miami - I honestly believe Miami is this fucking bad.
Jacksonville at Houston - This might be a close one, depending on which Houston shows up.
New England at Buffalo - Not much to say here, I'm afraid.
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay - Dare to dream. The Bucs will be pumped from their win last week.
Pittsburgh at Atlanta - The Falcons' D is gonna have extra helpings of Rofl Burgers while the city of Pittsburgh enjoys a side order of French Cries.
San Diego at Kansas City - BEEP BEEP it's the bandwagon! Santa better get started on making all the extra A Whale's Vagina jerseys that'll be ordered just in time for the playoffs.
Denver at Cleveland - Jake "the Missnake" Plummer is still hit-and-miss, but Cleveland doesn't have the tools to take advantage of his inevitable turnovers. Even if they did, the Donko defense is pretty goddamned good this year. One allowed TD in 6 weeks is mind-blowing.
Arizona at Oakland - Holy God this will be the worst game of football ever played. Arizona will jump out to an early 134-3 lead at halftime, but will bench the entire defense for the 3rd quarter, allowing an Oakland comeback. Just kidding. Oakland really blows and they will lose.
Minnesota at Seattle - Seacocks.
Washington at Indianapolis - Laser, rocket arm.
Monday
N.Y. Giants at Dallas - Michael Strahan breaks his season and single game sack records.
Celebrating 25 years of thuggery
Today on Cold Pizza, Woody Paige suggested that a recent scuffle between FIU and The U be grounds for permanently eradicating Miami's football program entirely.
Eat shit, Woody Paige. A): You prim and proper sportscasters need villains like Miami. Without Jimmy Johnson beginning a tradition of allowing young thugs from the Miami ghettoes to play football like the amoral, crazed assholes they are, football remains 6'6", 190-pound white guys with names like "Buzz" and haircuts to match running Student Body Left plays for two and a half hours. How much more interesting is the evening sports segment because the Hurricanes showed up in camo? What about the Catholics vs. Convicts rivalry?
Now, I certainly don't suggest excusing trying to crush an opponent's skull with your cleats/helmet just because it makes for interesting TV. I'm merely saying the 'Canes can pull this shit and (with the exception [so far] of this year) be a dominant force in NCAA football, and I hope that fact keeps the likes of Woody Paige and Joe Buck up late at night grinding their teeth into exposed roots.
Football is a violent sport. Yeah, sure, go back 40 years ago before Joe Namath and football was a white-bread, respectful sport. But even then it was about large men beating the absolute Christ out of each other, and nothing's changed except the strength of the hits.
Miami is a neccessary evil in NCAA football. Ray Lewis? Warren Sapp? Jeremy Shockey? Michael Irvin? They've all got three things in common: 1) They're all cocks. 2) They all came from Miami. 3) They're some of the best to ever play the game. Miami takes violent criminals, turns them into football players, and ESPN has footage for Sportscenter.
I wore my U hat with a smug smirk on my face today. I'm proud to be a fan. Hate me for it, 'cause it just gets me off.
Oh, and B): Woody Paige, you're named after an erection.
Eat shit, Woody Paige. A): You prim and proper sportscasters need villains like Miami. Without Jimmy Johnson beginning a tradition of allowing young thugs from the Miami ghettoes to play football like the amoral, crazed assholes they are, football remains 6'6", 190-pound white guys with names like "Buzz" and haircuts to match running Student Body Left plays for two and a half hours. How much more interesting is the evening sports segment because the Hurricanes showed up in camo? What about the Catholics vs. Convicts rivalry?
Now, I certainly don't suggest excusing trying to crush an opponent's skull with your cleats/helmet just because it makes for interesting TV. I'm merely saying the 'Canes can pull this shit and (with the exception [so far] of this year) be a dominant force in NCAA football, and I hope that fact keeps the likes of Woody Paige and Joe Buck up late at night grinding their teeth into exposed roots.
Football is a violent sport. Yeah, sure, go back 40 years ago before Joe Namath and football was a white-bread, respectful sport. But even then it was about large men beating the absolute Christ out of each other, and nothing's changed except the strength of the hits.
Miami is a neccessary evil in NCAA football. Ray Lewis? Warren Sapp? Jeremy Shockey? Michael Irvin? They've all got three things in common: 1) They're all cocks. 2) They all came from Miami. 3) They're some of the best to ever play the game. Miami takes violent criminals, turns them into football players, and ESPN has footage for Sportscenter.
I wore my U hat with a smug smirk on my face today. I'm proud to be a fan. Hate me for it, 'cause it just gets me off.
Oh, and B): Woody Paige, you're named after an erection.
Week 6 recap
7-6 for week 6, 40-17 for the year. And now the insightful analysis:
Really, not too many major upsets except for one. Did anybody expect the Bucs to win Sunday? Fuck, no. I'm pleased to be wrong on that prediction. Bruce Gradkowski seems to be fairly consistent under pressure, which is a welcome change from Chris "Who Knows?" Simms. I'm not dogging on the guy, though; Simms could be a real solid QB if the coaching staff could beat the mental mistakes out of him. It's just that watching him lead a comeback drive late in the 4th gives me angina.
Jesus, I just checked NFL.com and da Bears managed to come back in a squeaker. Kinda makes me wish I'd watched beyond the Jay-Z music video premiere. Will Arizona ever play 4 quarters this year?
Really, not too many major upsets except for one. Did anybody expect the Bucs to win Sunday? Fuck, no. I'm pleased to be wrong on that prediction. Bruce Gradkowski seems to be fairly consistent under pressure, which is a welcome change from Chris "Who Knows?" Simms. I'm not dogging on the guy, though; Simms could be a real solid QB if the coaching staff could beat the mental mistakes out of him. It's just that watching him lead a comeback drive late in the 4th gives me angina.
Jesus, I just checked NFL.com and da Bears managed to come back in a squeaker. Kinda makes me wish I'd watched beyond the Jay-Z music video premiere. Will Arizona ever play 4 quarters this year?
10/10/2006
Week 6 predictions
Too soon? Projected winners are in bold.
Sunday
Buffalo at Detroit - The Lions are terrible.
Carolina at Baltimore - This one is kinda tricky to call. The Ravens have a good record but haven't really played any teams so far. The Panthers aren't too hot but I believe they've got the tools to make a valid effort at the playoffs when properly motivated, and I think they are. All things considered, I think the home team is gonna squeak out a win.
Cincinnati at Tampa Bay - Let's just say the Buccaneers aren't playing too well right now, while the Bengals are playing really well. Carson Palmer's eerie powers of the dead propel them to victory.
Houston at Dallas - This might change if TO starts shitting all over the Tuna and Bledsoe during the week. He's a fucking cancer and I don't know how he can still get work.
N.Y. Giants at Atlanta - Abraham returns.
Philadelphia at New Orleans - Not really sure what to say about this one. I think it speaks for itself.
Seattle at St. Louis - Seattle got whipped two weeks ago, but they were playing the Bears. The Rams are not as good as the Bears.
Tennessee at Washington - Oh God.
Kansas City at Pittsburgh - The Steelers win, but Ben Roethlisberger does everything in his power to lose the game by throwing 4 INTs. ESPN continues to wonder when he'll shake off the "rust." (re: "suck.")
Miami at N.Y. Jets - The Dolphins are awful. Not even Joey Harrington (lol) can salvage them.
San Diego at San Francisco - Shawne Merriman.
Oakland at Denver - Jesus Christ, is this seriously Sunday Night Football? John Madden will run out of things to say by halftime and just go warm up the bus. The Donkos go 5 games allowing only one TD.
Chicago at Arizona - Jesus Christ, is this seriously Monday Night Football? Joe Theisman finally snaps and tries to stab Tony K with a pen after Tony tells Joe to "break a leg" before kickoff.
13-1 last week, 33-11 on the year.
Sunday
Buffalo at Detroit - The Lions are terrible.
Carolina at Baltimore - This one is kinda tricky to call. The Ravens have a good record but haven't really played any teams so far. The Panthers aren't too hot but I believe they've got the tools to make a valid effort at the playoffs when properly motivated, and I think they are. All things considered, I think the home team is gonna squeak out a win.
Cincinnati at Tampa Bay - Let's just say the Buccaneers aren't playing too well right now, while the Bengals are playing really well. Carson Palmer's eerie powers of the dead propel them to victory.
Houston at Dallas - This might change if TO starts shitting all over the Tuna and Bledsoe during the week. He's a fucking cancer and I don't know how he can still get work.
N.Y. Giants at Atlanta - Abraham returns.
Philadelphia at New Orleans - Not really sure what to say about this one. I think it speaks for itself.
Seattle at St. Louis - Seattle got whipped two weeks ago, but they were playing the Bears. The Rams are not as good as the Bears.
Tennessee at Washington - Oh God.
Kansas City at Pittsburgh - The Steelers win, but Ben Roethlisberger does everything in his power to lose the game by throwing 4 INTs. ESPN continues to wonder when he'll shake off the "rust." (re: "suck.")
Miami at N.Y. Jets - The Dolphins are awful. Not even Joey Harrington (lol) can salvage them.
San Diego at San Francisco - Shawne Merriman.
Oakland at Denver - Jesus Christ, is this seriously Sunday Night Football? John Madden will run out of things to say by halftime and just go warm up the bus. The Donkos go 5 games allowing only one TD.
Chicago at Arizona - Jesus Christ, is this seriously Monday Night Football? Joe Theisman finally snaps and tries to stab Tony K with a pen after Tony tells Joe to "break a leg" before kickoff.
13-1 last week, 33-11 on the year.
10/09/2006
Week 5 recap
How 'bout them Donkos? Footlawl thinks they just might be the real deal this year (which they also were last year, of course) if Jake can be more "the Snake" than "the Mistake." So far he's 50-50, so we'll be calling him "the Missnake" until further notice. Their D, though... wow. They've only allowed one TD so far. I cannot wait to see them shit all over the Raiders.
Footlawl was 13-1 on the week (!!!) bringing us to 33-11 for the season. Let's take a look at some of the highlights:
First, Chicago put a hurting on Buffalo, shutting them out 40-0 for something like 58 minutes of play. Not too surprising.
Reggie Bush scored his first TD in the NFL yesterday against the Buccaneers who are now 0-4. Maybe by the time my berfday rolls around they'll have discounted customized jerseys so I can get one showing love for special teams linebacker Antoine Cash (#52). Bruce Gradkowski may have played well. I didn't get to watch much of the game, as I had to work, but according to the voice of the Bucs, he's "got icewater in his veins." I did get to listen to a bit of the game on my break, however. I tuned in just as Gradkowski threw his 2nd TD of the day and had to go back to work just as Bush scored. Coors should bring back the "Bitter Beer Face" ads and just show sideline footage of Chuckie Gruden, 'cause he's gotta be permanently squinted up by now.
Dear Indianapolis: Why on Earth was that game so close?
Dear Jacksonville: Jesus God, way to rack up 41 fucking points while allowing 0. Look, keep winning, please, but don't put up such gaudy numbers. I genuinely enjoy how you guys fly under the radar. I cannot express how much fun it is to remind people that you guys went 12-4 last season. "Jacksonville?" they typically say. "Really??" You guys could win the Superbowl this year and sportscasters would still forget about you come August '07.
Philadelphia did pretty much what they had to in beating the Christ out of Drew Bledsoe and shutting down TO. TO, as he does, is gearing up to complain about how the team he's on sucks and they don't utilize his talents and etc., but I wonder if he ever stops to think that maybe he's the reason teams he's on self-destruct.
And last but not least, the Steelers continued their inevitable fall from grace with an overrated, perhaps brain damaged, quarterback. And I just fucking laughed and laughed until a little pee leaked out.
Footlawl was 13-1 on the week (!!!) bringing us to 33-11 for the season. Let's take a look at some of the highlights:
First, Chicago put a hurting on Buffalo, shutting them out 40-0 for something like 58 minutes of play. Not too surprising.
Reggie Bush scored his first TD in the NFL yesterday against the Buccaneers who are now 0-4. Maybe by the time my berfday rolls around they'll have discounted customized jerseys so I can get one showing love for special teams linebacker Antoine Cash (#52). Bruce Gradkowski may have played well. I didn't get to watch much of the game, as I had to work, but according to the voice of the Bucs, he's "got icewater in his veins." I did get to listen to a bit of the game on my break, however. I tuned in just as Gradkowski threw his 2nd TD of the day and had to go back to work just as Bush scored. Coors should bring back the "Bitter Beer Face" ads and just show sideline footage of Chuckie Gruden, 'cause he's gotta be permanently squinted up by now.
Dear Indianapolis: Why on Earth was that game so close?
Dear Jacksonville: Jesus God, way to rack up 41 fucking points while allowing 0. Look, keep winning, please, but don't put up such gaudy numbers. I genuinely enjoy how you guys fly under the radar. I cannot express how much fun it is to remind people that you guys went 12-4 last season. "Jacksonville?" they typically say. "Really??" You guys could win the Superbowl this year and sportscasters would still forget about you come August '07.
Philadelphia did pretty much what they had to in beating the Christ out of Drew Bledsoe and shutting down TO. TO, as he does, is gearing up to complain about how the team he's on sucks and they don't utilize his talents and etc., but I wonder if he ever stops to think that maybe he's the reason teams he's on self-destruct.
And last but not least, the Steelers continued their inevitable fall from grace with an overrated, perhaps brain damaged, quarterback. And I just fucking laughed and laughed until a little pee leaked out.
10/03/2006
Week 5 predictions
Projected winners are, as always, in bold.
Sunday
Buffalo at Chicago - BEEP BEEP all aboard the Grossman Express! I don't see how Buffalol could win this.
Cleveland at Carolina - Carolina won on the road last week, Keyshawn will get the ball more, Steve Smith has his Magic Stick for his hamstrings, and the Browns aren't that good.
Detroit at Minnesota - There's a bill being introduced in the Michigan state congress to allow fans to hold signs up that say "Fire Millen." The Lions are a mess.
Miami at New England - Speaking of trainwrecks, the Dolphins aren't doing so hot, either. New England's not exactly the same powerhouse they once were, but they're lightyears ahead of Miami.
St. Louis at Green Bay - The Packers are awful.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans - Bruce Gradkowski was so nervous during the opening minutes of the Bucs' first preseason game that he threw up, and he wasn't even set to play yet. If the Saints fans can muster the same kind of noise that they did against the Falcons, he won't even be able to leave the locker room. Poor kid.
Tennessee at Indianapolis - Laser, rocket arm.
Washington at N.Y. Giants - Santana Moss is looking pretty hawt.
Kansas City at Arizona - Kurt Warner (who is terrible) or Matt Leinart (who is a jerk surrounded by bad players)? Either way, your team is boned. When you've got people declaring "the era of Matt Leinart begins" followed by "the Matt Leinart era wasn't very long" because it's true, your team is in trouble.
N.Y. Jets at Jacksonville - The Jaguars are pretty damned good at stopping the run. The Jets don't have a running game. Maybe this will cause some sort of inverse, divide-by-zero scenario, but I doubt it. In short, the Jaguars are good; the Jets, not so much.
Oakland at San Francisco - Good Lord. Whichever network affiliates are carrying this game for the home crowd could just show a 3-hour block of Suddenly Susan and get higher ratings.
Dallas at Philadelphia - TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO ... I'd like to watch this game because it will probably be really good, but you can bet every dollar you have I'll be watching it with the sound muted.
Pittsburgh at San Diego - "Big" Ben Roethlisberger is overrated. People will say "Oh, it's a shame that the motorcycle accident fucked up his brain and made him mediocre" but no mainstream sportscaster will ever step up and say "Actually, he was never that good to begin with" unless ESPN hires me and makes me a mainstream sportscaster.
Monday
Baltimore at Denver - I believe in you, Jake the Snake. (This is why ESPN will never hire me and make me a mainstream sportscaster.)
9-5 last week I predicted (Week 3), 20-10 on the season.
Sunday
Buffalo at Chicago - BEEP BEEP all aboard the Grossman Express! I don't see how Buffalol could win this.
Cleveland at Carolina - Carolina won on the road last week, Keyshawn will get the ball more, Steve Smith has his Magic Stick for his hamstrings, and the Browns aren't that good.
Detroit at Minnesota - There's a bill being introduced in the Michigan state congress to allow fans to hold signs up that say "Fire Millen." The Lions are a mess.
Miami at New England - Speaking of trainwrecks, the Dolphins aren't doing so hot, either. New England's not exactly the same powerhouse they once were, but they're lightyears ahead of Miami.
St. Louis at Green Bay - The Packers are awful.
Tampa Bay at New Orleans - Bruce Gradkowski was so nervous during the opening minutes of the Bucs' first preseason game that he threw up, and he wasn't even set to play yet. If the Saints fans can muster the same kind of noise that they did against the Falcons, he won't even be able to leave the locker room. Poor kid.
Tennessee at Indianapolis - Laser, rocket arm.
Washington at N.Y. Giants - Santana Moss is looking pretty hawt.
Kansas City at Arizona - Kurt Warner (who is terrible) or Matt Leinart (who is a jerk surrounded by bad players)? Either way, your team is boned. When you've got people declaring "the era of Matt Leinart begins" followed by "the Matt Leinart era wasn't very long" because it's true, your team is in trouble.
N.Y. Jets at Jacksonville - The Jaguars are pretty damned good at stopping the run. The Jets don't have a running game. Maybe this will cause some sort of inverse, divide-by-zero scenario, but I doubt it. In short, the Jaguars are good; the Jets, not so much.
Oakland at San Francisco - Good Lord. Whichever network affiliates are carrying this game for the home crowd could just show a 3-hour block of Suddenly Susan and get higher ratings.
Dallas at Philadelphia - TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO ... I'd like to watch this game because it will probably be really good, but you can bet every dollar you have I'll be watching it with the sound muted.
Pittsburgh at San Diego - "Big" Ben Roethlisberger is overrated. People will say "Oh, it's a shame that the motorcycle accident fucked up his brain and made him mediocre" but no mainstream sportscaster will ever step up and say "Actually, he was never that good to begin with" unless ESPN hires me and makes me a mainstream sportscaster.
Monday
Baltimore at Denver - I believe in you, Jake the Snake. (This is why ESPN will never hire me and make me a mainstream sportscaster.)
9-5 last week I predicted (Week 3), 20-10 on the season.
Week 4 recap
Well, I missed another week for predictions. Oh well, I've been busy working. This blogging shit isn't making me $$$, so I gotta get that cheddar somehow. I didn't get to watch any college football this week and only got a chance to catch Sunday & Monday Night Football. And I didn't even watch much of those games because holy shit score differences.
So where do we stand? Only Indianapolis, Chicago, and fucking Baltimore are 4-0. Indy and Chi-town aren't too surprising, but Baltimore came out of fucking nowhere and started the season off with a bang. Of course, they only separated themselves from the Raiders and the Bucs and won squeakers against Cleveland and San Diego.
Tennessee, Oakland, Detroit, and Tampa Bay are the only teams with 0 wins. The Titans, Raiders, and Lions fans have some well-publicized hate for their respective front offices and rightfully so. But why Tampa Bay? What's the problem there? The D doesn't look nearly as dominant as they did 4 years ago (hell, even one year ago) and the offense is young and playing for a D-minded staff. Chris Simms didn't look real confident a few times last season, but he's looked downright meek for all of this season with the exception of the last half of Carolina @ Tampa.
In the cases of Tennessee, Oakland, and Detroit, it's fairly easy to find the solution: fire everybody in management, hire some guys who know assholes from elbows, rebuild for a season or two, win championships. It's that easy. In the case of Tampa, though, what the fuck? They have two of the best football minds in Jon Gruden and Monte Kiffen and aside from Keyshawn Johnson's situation a few years ago nobody's pissing off franchise players like the Titans did with "Air" McNair. It's going to take some time to rebuild the Bucs, I'm afraid. It's hard enough to replace guys like Ronde Barber, Anthony McFarland, Simeon Rice, and Derek Brooks, but when they're all on the same unit, holy shit have you got some work to do finding replacements.
But enough of me moaning about the end of the Bucs' season 4 weeks in, Bucs fans aren't the only ones who will have no reason to live come January, as the Dolphins look like ass, too. When you lose to the Texans, that's not a very good thing. At all.
And hell, maybe the Seahawks (along with the Panthers) are going to show everybody what happens when you structure an entire team around one fucking player.
Bah. I don't feel like I can comment too in-depth on this week since I didn't watch any of these games and haven't even seen highlights except for the Jets deciding to play rugby for the last play of their game. I'm gonna fire up the Prognostitron 9000 and make some predictions.
So where do we stand? Only Indianapolis, Chicago, and fucking Baltimore are 4-0. Indy and Chi-town aren't too surprising, but Baltimore came out of fucking nowhere and started the season off with a bang. Of course, they only separated themselves from the Raiders and the Bucs and won squeakers against Cleveland and San Diego.
Tennessee, Oakland, Detroit, and Tampa Bay are the only teams with 0 wins. The Titans, Raiders, and Lions fans have some well-publicized hate for their respective front offices and rightfully so. But why Tampa Bay? What's the problem there? The D doesn't look nearly as dominant as they did 4 years ago (hell, even one year ago) and the offense is young and playing for a D-minded staff. Chris Simms didn't look real confident a few times last season, but he's looked downright meek for all of this season with the exception of the last half of Carolina @ Tampa.
In the cases of Tennessee, Oakland, and Detroit, it's fairly easy to find the solution: fire everybody in management, hire some guys who know assholes from elbows, rebuild for a season or two, win championships. It's that easy. In the case of Tampa, though, what the fuck? They have two of the best football minds in Jon Gruden and Monte Kiffen and aside from Keyshawn Johnson's situation a few years ago nobody's pissing off franchise players like the Titans did with "Air" McNair. It's going to take some time to rebuild the Bucs, I'm afraid. It's hard enough to replace guys like Ronde Barber, Anthony McFarland, Simeon Rice, and Derek Brooks, but when they're all on the same unit, holy shit have you got some work to do finding replacements.
But enough of me moaning about the end of the Bucs' season 4 weeks in, Bucs fans aren't the only ones who will have no reason to live come January, as the Dolphins look like ass, too. When you lose to the Texans, that's not a very good thing. At all.
And hell, maybe the Seahawks (along with the Panthers) are going to show everybody what happens when you structure an entire team around one fucking player.
Bah. I don't feel like I can comment too in-depth on this week since I didn't watch any of these games and haven't even seen highlights except for the Jets deciding to play rugby for the last play of their game. I'm gonna fire up the Prognostitron 9000 and make some predictions.
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