Today marks the start of football games that actually mean something as college football (FINALLY!) begins. I generally shy away from paying too much attention to college football since I have enough trouble keeping up with the 32 NFL teams so the 1,000,000,000 or so NCAA teams out there are a bit much. It seems like new schools are being founded each year just so the top 10 teams have a few cupcake whipping posts to start the year 2-0. But hey, that didn't stop UCF from losing to made-up-sounding East Carolina last year.
Some highlights tonight include Miami, Ohio playing hilariously-named Ball State; Southeast Missouri State visiting the Cincinnati Bearcats, my absolute favorite mascot name. I guess Tulsa gets a mention, since they're the Golden Hurricane and I can't possibly fathom how they ever thought hurricanes = Oklahoma. If you've got a black-and-white monitor or are a dog, you'll delight in watching Weber State play on Boise State's awful blue carpet on ESPN360. Oh, and #2 LSU takes on #85 Mississippi State tonight, which is what I'll be watching because who doesn't love SEC powerhouses beating the shit out of shithole programs? Of course, the first national broadcast is Tulsa at Louisiana-Monroe on ESPN2, but the thing is who cares?
And hey, since I'm basically shouting in an empty room and like the sound of my own voice, let's blather on about more upcoming exciting games!
Friday has just two games: Navy @ Temple (7:30, ESPNU) and Washington @ Syracuse (8:00, ESPN). Fun fact: Navy had the #1 rushing offense in the country last season. True story. 19 guys rushed at least once for a grand total of 3,929 yards. Total pass yards for Navy? 728.
Saturday's schedule threatens to overwhelm my scrollwheel. Let's take a look at who some top-ranked teams are taking on in week 1: #5 Michigan faces Appalachian State; #9 Virginia Tech faces aforementioned East Carolina; #11 Ohio State faces Youngstown State. Only #15 Tennessee looks to face any real competition in week 1, going against #12 California.
Sunday only gives us one game, and it's only on Sunday because it starts at 5 minutes past fucking midnight and won't be nationally broadcast anywhere. Northern Colorado flies 400,000 miles to get their jet-lagged asses handed to them by #23 Hawaii. This is the first time Hawaii's ever been ranked, and perhaps rightfully so. This kid Colt Brennan threw for 5,549 yards and 58 TDs last season, but honestly how hard can it be in a conference featuring powerhouses like Utah State and (for some reason) Louisiana Tech?
Monday brings what will no doubt be a very exciting game as Texas Tech travels to hated rival Southern Methodist. (I have no idea if they are actual rivals.) ESPN somehow managed to secure the broadcast rights to this exciting matchup. After the game, stay tuned to ESPN (assuming your faces weren't rocked off by the last game) 'cause #19 Florida State visits Clemson. Maybe set an alarm or something in case you fall asleep during the 4-o'clock game.
So that's college this week. Hooray! It's finally football season!
8/30/2007
Preseason predictions Week 4
Fuck. Last week I'll have to do this and not care. No starters are expected to play more than a few downs if at all, so this is pretty much the most meaningless thing ever. Let's do this!
Thursday
Buffalo @ Detroit
Washington @ Jacksonville
NYJ @ Philadelphia
NYG @ New England
Dallas @ Minnesota
Pittsburgh @ Carolina
Houston @ Tampa Bay
Miami @ New Orleans
Kansas City @ St. Louis
Cleveland @ Chicago
Green Bay @ Tennessee
Arizona @ Denver
San Francisco @ San Diego
Oakland @ Seattle
Friday
Baltimore @ Atlanta
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati
Thank God that's fucking done with.
Thursday
Buffalo @ Detroit
Washington @ Jacksonville
NYJ @ Philadelphia
NYG @ New England
Dallas @ Minnesota
Pittsburgh @ Carolina
Houston @ Tampa Bay
Miami @ New Orleans
Kansas City @ St. Louis
Cleveland @ Chicago
Green Bay @ Tennessee
Arizona @ Denver
San Francisco @ San Diego
Oakland @ Seattle
Friday
Baltimore @ Atlanta
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati
Thank God that's fucking done with.
Preseason Week 3 recap
I was 12-4, a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar was 9-7, bringing our totals to 16-16 and 15-17 respectively. This is about what I expected. I think next week I'll go 8-8 and a 1967 John. F. Kennedy half-dollar will go 9-7.
Actually, fuck that. You're fired, 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar. Turn in your badge and gun and get the hell out of my office.
Actually, fuck that. You're fired, 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar. Turn in your badge and gun and get the hell out of my office.
8/27/2007
"Shattered Expectations"
So I've just started a league with The Onion's fantasy football program. I know, I know: yawn, I've got my Yahoo! team, my ESPN.com team, whatever. They all want you to have QBs that throw for 450 yards a game, RBs who go for 225 yards, and Ds that force fumbles and INTs on their way to 16 shut-outs.
Well, if you're familiar with The Onion, you'll know they're not exactly conventional. Their game is called "Shattered Expectations." They force you to pick the worst possible players each week and you are rewarded for their nonperformance. But it's not as easy as flipping a coin and choosing between the Bucs or the Dolphins.
Since it's "Shattered Expectations," the players you choose come from a set pool, each with their own lofty expectations. Week 1 has Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger available among possible starting QBs.
It's really a challenging way to re-think your Sunday afternoons. Rather than hope LdT rushes for 200 yards and catches 10 passes, hope Denver's D can shut San Diego down just enough that Nate Kaeding has an opportunity to miss a few 35-yarders.
Once you've followed the link to sign up and have picked a team name and selected a starting lineup, join the Footlawl League. The league name is (obviously) Footlawl. The password is nflol.
There you have it, the gauntlet has been thrown. Sign up, you punks. Prepare for humiliation at the hands of a team named Unicorns are Pretty.
Well, if you're familiar with The Onion, you'll know they're not exactly conventional. Their game is called "Shattered Expectations." They force you to pick the worst possible players each week and you are rewarded for their nonperformance. But it's not as easy as flipping a coin and choosing between the Bucs or the Dolphins.
Since it's "Shattered Expectations," the players you choose come from a set pool, each with their own lofty expectations. Week 1 has Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger available among possible starting QBs.
It's really a challenging way to re-think your Sunday afternoons. Rather than hope LdT rushes for 200 yards and catches 10 passes, hope Denver's D can shut San Diego down just enough that Nate Kaeding has an opportunity to miss a few 35-yarders.
Once you've followed the link to sign up and have picked a team name and selected a starting lineup, join the Footlawl League. The league name is (obviously) Footlawl. The password is nflol.
There you have it, the gauntlet has been thrown. Sign up, you punks. Prepare for humiliation at the hands of a team named Unicorns are Pretty.
8/21/2007
Preseason predictions Week 3
And now for what I really hate doing but can't stop because I'm determined to predict every game this season: preseason guessing games!
Thursday
Me: Jacksonville @ Green Bay
A1967JFKHD: Jacksonville @ Green Bay - The Packers have already had their 40+ point game this season.
Me: New Orleans @ Kansas City
A1967JFKHD: New Orleans @ Kansas City - I seriously hate doing this.
Friday
Tennessee @ Buffalo - Why not?
New England @ Carolina - Sure.
Me: St. Louis @ Oakland
A1967JFKHD: St. Louis @ Oakland - The Raiders are just plain terrible. I'd hold out indefinitely if I was Jamarcus Russell, too.
Saturday
Detroit @ Indianapolis - Check it to pancakes.
Tampa Bay @ Miami - Please?
Me: NY Jets @ NY Giants
A1967JFKHD: NY Jets @ NY Giants - This boggles my mind. How can the Jets be away? How do they handle tickets? That, to me, is the real story here.
San Francisco @ Chicago - Grossmania.
Baltimore @ Washington - Seriously I want the regular season to hurry the fuck up and get up in this bitch.
Me: Dallas @ Houston
A1967JFKHD: Dallas @ Houston - It'd be nice if there was at least one interesting game.
Minnesota @ Seattle - It ain't gonna be this one.
Me: Cleveland @ Denver
A1967JFKHD: Cleveland @ Denver - I know, it's crazy picking Cleveland to do anything, but like 20 Donkos got injured last week.
San Diego @ Arizona - LdT will only play two series but he'll still manage 30 carries and 60 yards.
Sunday
Me: Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh
A1967JFKHD: Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh - I hope everybody in both these cities dies.
Monday
Me: Cincinnatti @ Atlanta
A1967JFKHD: Cincinnatti @ Atlanta - I'll admit, I was kind of surprised to see the Falcons put up a W last week. I know it's the preseason and anything can happen but I kind of figured the whole Vick thing would be on everyone's mind and they'd be distracted. Good for them. He'll be in Federal Pound-Me-in-the-Ass Penetentiary and the Falcons will (I only say this because it would be fucking hilarious, not because I want it in any way) go 19-0.
Thank God that's over with.
Thursday
Me: Jacksonville @ Green Bay
A1967JFKHD: Jacksonville @ Green Bay - The Packers have already had their 40+ point game this season.
Me: New Orleans @ Kansas City
A1967JFKHD: New Orleans @ Kansas City - I seriously hate doing this.
Friday
Tennessee @ Buffalo - Why not?
New England @ Carolina - Sure.
Me: St. Louis @ Oakland
A1967JFKHD: St. Louis @ Oakland - The Raiders are just plain terrible. I'd hold out indefinitely if I was Jamarcus Russell, too.
Saturday
Detroit @ Indianapolis - Check it to pancakes.
Tampa Bay @ Miami - Please?
Me: NY Jets @ NY Giants
A1967JFKHD: NY Jets @ NY Giants - This boggles my mind. How can the Jets be away? How do they handle tickets? That, to me, is the real story here.
San Francisco @ Chicago - Grossmania.
Baltimore @ Washington - Seriously I want the regular season to hurry the fuck up and get up in this bitch.
Me: Dallas @ Houston
A1967JFKHD: Dallas @ Houston - It'd be nice if there was at least one interesting game.
Minnesota @ Seattle - It ain't gonna be this one.
Me: Cleveland @ Denver
A1967JFKHD: Cleveland @ Denver - I know, it's crazy picking Cleveland to do anything, but like 20 Donkos got injured last week.
San Diego @ Arizona - LdT will only play two series but he'll still manage 30 carries and 60 yards.
Sunday
Me: Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh
A1967JFKHD: Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh - I hope everybody in both these cities dies.
Monday
Me: Cincinnatti @ Atlanta
A1967JFKHD: Cincinnatti @ Atlanta - I'll admit, I was kind of surprised to see the Falcons put up a W last week. I know it's the preseason and anything can happen but I kind of figured the whole Vick thing would be on everyone's mind and they'd be distracted. Good for them. He'll be in Federal Pound-Me-in-the-Ass Penetentiary and the Falcons will (I only say this because it would be fucking hilarious, not because I want it in any way) go 19-0.
Thank God that's over with.
Preseason Week 2 recap
Wow, both myself and a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar did terribly this week. I was 4-12 and a 1967 John. F. Kennedy half-dollar was 6-10. That's pretty sad. Good thing it's preseason and none of this matters, right?
8/14/2007
Preseason predictions Week 2
So last week I made an off-hand comment that all the picks were pretty much done by coin toss. It got me to thinking, and I wondered if I could out-pick a coinflip. Without any further ado, I introduce the newest Footlawl Team Member: a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar!
A 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar.
What an awful picture. Oh well, it's the best my $7 digital camera could do. So what do you say we get started picking this week's winners?
Please note: To conserve space, only the picks where myself and a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar differ are shown.
Thursday
Me: Miami @ Kansas City
A1967JFKHD: Miami @ Kansas City - Gonna have to disagree with you there, Mr. President. Miami's offense looked fucking awful last week.
Friday
Atlanta @ Buffalo - Even a coin older than Joey Harrington knows Joey Harrington sucks.
Me: Carolina @ Philadelphia - Zone blocking for the win.
A1967JFKHD: Carolina @ Philadelphia
Minnesota @ NY Jets - Minnesota status? Still terrible.
Tennessee @ New England - New England status? Still getting no respect. Vince Young continues to ride pine for fear of The Madden Curse.
Saturday
Me: Houston @ Arizona
A1967JFKHD: Houston @ Arizona - This is another one of those match-ups like Arizona and Oakland last week. Why even bother?
Me: Detroit @ Cleveland
A1967JFKHD: Detroit @ Cleveland - Nope, don't care.
New Orleans @ Cincinnati
Tampa Bay @ Jacksonville - Luke McCown destroys 2nd-team D.
Denver @ Dallas - I wouldn't root for Dallas if I was JFK, either.
Pittsburgh @ Washington - As long as Dan Snyder stalks the halls of the Redskins' front office, they will be an embarrassment to just about everybody.
Me: San Diego @ St. Louis
A1967JFKHD: San Diego @ St. Louis - I don't have much to say here except I hope the Chargers get their running back some field time. He's totally under-utilised and could truly be something great if Norv Turner gets him some touches.
Seattle @ Green Bay - It's really hard to find something meaningful to say about two times I couldn't give a shit less about.
Me: Oakland @ San Francisco
A1967JFKHD: Oakland @ San Francisco - The Raiders went 4-0 in the preseason last year and went 2-14 in the regular season. Don't expect anything different this year.
Sunday
Me: NY Giants @ Baltimore
A1967JFKHD: NY Giants @ Baltimore - Some guys on the radio today said Baltimore might be one of the best teams in football? Did they forget about the rest of the AFC?
Monday
Me: Chicago @ Indianapolis
A1967JFKHD: Chicago @ Indianapolis - Also a lot of people are predicting Indianapolis will tank. I wouldn't say "tank" is a good word, but unless Peyton Manning tracks down Dan Marino and buttfucks him raw then literally throat-fucks Tom Brady with his shit-covered cock, a lot of fans won't have their expectations met.
So there you have it. Wow, this was fucking retarded and way too labor-intensive.
A 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar.
What an awful picture. Oh well, it's the best my $7 digital camera could do. So what do you say we get started picking this week's winners?
Please note: To conserve space, only the picks where myself and a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar differ are shown.
Thursday
Me: Miami @ Kansas City
A1967JFKHD: Miami @ Kansas City - Gonna have to disagree with you there, Mr. President. Miami's offense looked fucking awful last week.
Friday
Atlanta @ Buffalo - Even a coin older than Joey Harrington knows Joey Harrington sucks.
Me: Carolina @ Philadelphia - Zone blocking for the win.
A1967JFKHD: Carolina @ Philadelphia
Minnesota @ NY Jets - Minnesota status? Still terrible.
Tennessee @ New England - New England status? Still getting no respect. Vince Young continues to ride pine for fear of The Madden Curse.
Saturday
Me: Houston @ Arizona
A1967JFKHD: Houston @ Arizona - This is another one of those match-ups like Arizona and Oakland last week. Why even bother?
Me: Detroit @ Cleveland
A1967JFKHD: Detroit @ Cleveland - Nope, don't care.
New Orleans @ Cincinnati
Tampa Bay @ Jacksonville - Luke McCown destroys 2nd-team D.
Denver @ Dallas - I wouldn't root for Dallas if I was JFK, either.
Pittsburgh @ Washington - As long as Dan Snyder stalks the halls of the Redskins' front office, they will be an embarrassment to just about everybody.
Me: San Diego @ St. Louis
A1967JFKHD: San Diego @ St. Louis - I don't have much to say here except I hope the Chargers get their running back some field time. He's totally under-utilised and could truly be something great if Norv Turner gets him some touches.
Seattle @ Green Bay - It's really hard to find something meaningful to say about two times I couldn't give a shit less about.
Me: Oakland @ San Francisco
A1967JFKHD: Oakland @ San Francisco - The Raiders went 4-0 in the preseason last year and went 2-14 in the regular season. Don't expect anything different this year.
Sunday
Me: NY Giants @ Baltimore
A1967JFKHD: NY Giants @ Baltimore - Some guys on the radio today said Baltimore might be one of the best teams in football? Did they forget about the rest of the AFC?
Monday
Me: Chicago @ Indianapolis
A1967JFKHD: Chicago @ Indianapolis - Also a lot of people are predicting Indianapolis will tank. I wouldn't say "tank" is a good word, but unless Peyton Manning tracks down Dan Marino and buttfucks him raw then literally throat-fucks Tom Brady with his shit-covered cock, a lot of fans won't have their expectations met.
So there you have it. Wow, this was fucking retarded and way too labor-intensive.
8/09/2007
Preseason predictions Week 1
Thursday
Cincinnati at Detroit
Indianapolis at Dallas - The Colts' depth chart isn't that deep. Go Sorgi!
Friday
Atlanta at NY Jets
New England at Tampa Bay - I know I'm contradicting myself here, but fuck it guys, do it for the A-Train!
Buffalo at New Orleans - The Saints are consistently terrible in the preseason.
St. Louis at Minnesota
Saturday
Green Bay at Pittsburgh
Jacksonville at Miami
Kansas City at Cleveland
Carolina at NY Giants
Chicago at Houston
Washington at Tennessee
Arizona at Oakland - Whoever wins, we lose.
Sunday
Seattle at A Whale's Vagina
Monday
Philadelphia at Baltimore
Denver at San Francisco
Pretty much all results chosen by coin toss.
Cincinnati at Detroit
Indianapolis at Dallas - The Colts' depth chart isn't that deep. Go Sorgi!
Friday
Atlanta at NY Jets
New England at Tampa Bay - I know I'm contradicting myself here, but fuck it guys, do it for the A-Train!
Buffalo at New Orleans - The Saints are consistently terrible in the preseason.
St. Louis at Minnesota
Saturday
Green Bay at Pittsburgh
Jacksonville at Miami
Kansas City at Cleveland
Carolina at NY Giants
Chicago at Houston
Washington at Tennessee
Arizona at Oakland - Whoever wins, we lose.
Sunday
Seattle at A Whale's Vagina
Monday
Philadelphia at Baltimore
Denver at San Francisco
Pretty much all results chosen by coin toss.
8/08/2007
Fuckin' Barry Bonds
Yo, fuck Barry Bonds. There, I said it. Tonight at trivia (I suppose I'll always remember where I was) we discussed the three possible options as a pitcher facing Mr. HGH:
1) Throw him a lame duck.
Rationale: Look, you're the Washington Nationals, you're not that hot, you may as well just serve it up to him. It'll taint his record like Brett Favre laying down for Michael Strahan and you'll be assured your spot in history, albeit as That Guy.
2) Pitch fucking mean heat.
Rationale: Look, you're the Washington Nationals, you're not that hot. At least go out there and be able to say "I threw my best against him and he hit the homer off it." Honorable.
3) Aim for the cup.
Rationale: Fuck this guy.
All perfectly reasonable options. I'd like to hear your own thoughts. Personally, I'd got for option 3, but that's because I'm a classless cocksucker. At least A-Rod is 2/3s of the way there.
Oh, and to keep it on topic, football happened last Sunday. Ben Roffleburger unleashed the dragon, Drew Brees rimmed asshole (1/6, 6 yards, 0/0), and I left before the 4th quarter started. I think maybe I am beginning to see what all the preseason Hatorade-drankin' is all about.
1) Throw him a lame duck.
Rationale: Look, you're the Washington Nationals, you're not that hot, you may as well just serve it up to him. It'll taint his record like Brett Favre laying down for Michael Strahan and you'll be assured your spot in history, albeit as That Guy.
2) Pitch fucking mean heat.
Rationale: Look, you're the Washington Nationals, you're not that hot. At least go out there and be able to say "I threw my best against him and he hit the homer off it." Honorable.
3) Aim for the cup.
Rationale: Fuck this guy.
All perfectly reasonable options. I'd like to hear your own thoughts. Personally, I'd got for option 3, but that's because I'm a classless cocksucker. At least A-Rod is 2/3s of the way there.
Oh, and to keep it on topic, football happened last Sunday. Ben Roffleburger unleashed the dragon, Drew Brees rimmed asshole (1/6, 6 yards, 0/0), and I left before the 4th quarter started. I think maybe I am beginning to see what all the preseason Hatorade-drankin' is all about.
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