Week 2 predictions

And just like that, an immediate turnaround to Week 2 predictions. No further ado.

Sunday
Buffalo at Miami - Miami's at home. Their D is going to have a field day with Buffalol's shitty O line.

Carolina at Minnesota - Carolina has trouble without Steve Smith, and he's questionable on the injury report. If he's healthy, I'll take Carolina.

Cleveland at Cincinnati - Carson Palmer's knee's eerie powers of the dead propel the Bengals to victory.

Detroit at Chicago - I'm pretty sure there's a Bible parable about a lion fighting a bear, and now it's made manifest. I don't remember who wins in the good book, but I do know the Bears will win this game. Jesus, that sounds corny.

Houston at Indianapolis - No-brainer. Unless #1 overall draft pick Mario Williams piles up 10 sacks, the Houston D will be incapable of stopping the Colts.

New Orleans at Green Bay - #2 overall draft pick Reggie Bush, meanwhile, will be having a goddamned field day running the fuck over Green Bay's terrible defense. This will not be a 51-3 whipping. At least, not for the Saints.

N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia - I LOVES ME SOME BLACK QUARTERBACKS!

Oakland at Baltimore - Oakland does twice as bad and Baltimore does twice as good. Christ, the Raiders are awful this year.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta - By kickoff, Jon Gruden will have spent 160 straight hours screaming at the Bucs. The coaching staff will have screened Child's Play in the film room. The Buccaneers will have their game of the season this Sunday, lest Chucky murder them in their sleep. (And if Chris Simms performs like he did last Sunday, that might just happen anyway.)

Arizona at Seattle - As long as the Madden curse doesn't strike in this game, Seattle should do all right.

St. Louis at San Francisco - The Rams beat Denver last week and the 49ers are horrible.

Kansas City at Denver - Trent Green is actually dead and will be missed. Jake Plummer does his thing (his good thing, I mean, not his "throw 5 INTs" thing) and the Donkos win.

New England at N.Y. Jets - 80,000 screaming fans are tough to ignore, plus, fuck the Patriots.

Tennessee at San Diego - BEEP BEEP ALL ABOARD THE LADAINIAN TOMLINSON BUS. 5,000 yards rushing on 3,000 carries for LdT.

Washington at Dallas - Homefield advantage. Seriously, flip a fucking coin.

Monday
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville - Charlie Batch can't do it twice in a row; his mom's hair just isn't that powerful. If Roflberger's healthy, though, pick the fucking Steelers. And then jump on the fucking bandwagon and keep sucking your own dicks. Someday, Pittsburgh, your uppance will come.