As noted below, Chris Simms' spleen exploded and he is now listed as out indefinitely.
In other injury news, Sean Alexander is now listed as Madden cursed in accordance with prophecy.
9/26/2006
Week 3 recap
9-5 for week 3, 20-10 on the season. Yikes. Let's put that awful prediction record behind us and just see how everyone did, yes?
First, the Bucs managed to fire them cannons, which was great. They finally put it together in the second half and managed to make a game out of it. Unfortunately, John Kasay managed to hit a 46-yard field goal with 6 seconds left for the win. Steve Smith was activated for the game, and made some key contributions. Panthers fans better hope he stays healthy.
Chris Simms managed to play better with an exploded spleen than without, but unfortunately for the Bucs they removed the offending organ, so there goes that strategy. He's also out indefinitely, which is a scary word. Bruce Gradkowski gets the nod at starter. Bruce Gradkowski has a hilariously Eastern-European sounding name.
Chicago beat Minnesota as I thought they would, but it wasn't the blow-out I was expecting. In fact, the Vikes were leading a bit during the game. Maybe it's not fluky. Maybe Brad Johnson is the kind of quarterback who could, I dunno, lead a team to the Superbowl?
Brett Favre threw his 400th career TD on Sunday, and managed to squeak out a win against Detroit. As stated before, I don't care for Brett Favre as a human being, but the football fan in me wants the Pack to do better than 4-12 this year so he can retire with a modicum of self-respect.
Jacksonville put up a good fight against Indianapolis, which isn't surprising, but the Colts' offense is just too damned good for many teams in the NFL, and especially the AFC Souf, to stop. Honestly, though, look for a Jacksonville win in week 14.
Seattle... Jesus, what to do with you lot? It was 35-3 going into the half, so I went out to a BBQ and drank a bunch of beer. I pull up NFL.com to write this update and see the final score was 42-30? How does that even fucking happen? Attn: Seacocks, you are better than that. The only team that should be pissing away those kinds of leads is the 1992 Oilers. (Sorry, Dad.)
And finally, New Orleans just choke-slammed ATL. The guys on ESPN put it perfectly: "It's got to be tough for the Falcons to come into this game knowing that the entire country is rooting against you." Spike Lee and Harry Connick, Jr. (who I was once told I look like) made special appearances, and I'm glad they didn't waste trips. It's kind of neat to see the parity of the NFL in action, as the second-worst team last year now leads the NFC South, 3-0. As long as the Saints can keep playing first home games in over a year, they'll go undefeated.
First, the Bucs managed to fire them cannons, which was great. They finally put it together in the second half and managed to make a game out of it. Unfortunately, John Kasay managed to hit a 46-yard field goal with 6 seconds left for the win. Steve Smith was activated for the game, and made some key contributions. Panthers fans better hope he stays healthy.
Chris Simms managed to play better with an exploded spleen than without, but unfortunately for the Bucs they removed the offending organ, so there goes that strategy. He's also out indefinitely, which is a scary word. Bruce Gradkowski gets the nod at starter. Bruce Gradkowski has a hilariously Eastern-European sounding name.
Chicago beat Minnesota as I thought they would, but it wasn't the blow-out I was expecting. In fact, the Vikes were leading a bit during the game. Maybe it's not fluky. Maybe Brad Johnson is the kind of quarterback who could, I dunno, lead a team to the Superbowl?
Brett Favre threw his 400th career TD on Sunday, and managed to squeak out a win against Detroit. As stated before, I don't care for Brett Favre as a human being, but the football fan in me wants the Pack to do better than 4-12 this year so he can retire with a modicum of self-respect.
Jacksonville put up a good fight against Indianapolis, which isn't surprising, but the Colts' offense is just too damned good for many teams in the NFL, and especially the AFC Souf, to stop. Honestly, though, look for a Jacksonville win in week 14.
Seattle... Jesus, what to do with you lot? It was 35-3 going into the half, so I went out to a BBQ and drank a bunch of beer. I pull up NFL.com to write this update and see the final score was 42-30? How does that even fucking happen? Attn: Seacocks, you are better than that. The only team that should be pissing away those kinds of leads is the 1992 Oilers. (Sorry, Dad.)
And finally, New Orleans just choke-slammed ATL. The guys on ESPN put it perfectly: "It's got to be tough for the Falcons to come into this game knowing that the entire country is rooting against you." Spike Lee and Harry Connick, Jr. (who I was once told I look like) made special appearances, and I'm glad they didn't waste trips. It's kind of neat to see the parity of the NFL in action, as the second-worst team last year now leads the NFC South, 3-0. As long as the Saints can keep playing first home games in over a year, they'll go undefeated.
9/24/2006
Week 3 predictions
Sunday
Carolina at Tampa Bay - Come on guys, please? Can we fire the cannons at least once this season? I'll pick the Bucs because the Panthers apparently really need Steve Smith to win.
Chicago at Minnesota - Fluky wins for the Vikes don't translate into 3-0. The Bears will have their way with the Vikings. Rex Grossman gets tapped on the wrist and loses an arm.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh - This is gonna be an awesome game. Everybody has been talking about it. This'll be a good test of the Bengals';s's D. If they can shut down the Steelers like the Jags did, look out.
Green Bay at Detroit - Green Bay? More like Green Booooo! Favre blows another one and more fans turn on him. Really, this Brett Favre situation makes me sad.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis - I know the Steelers don't have quite the same high-octane offense as the Colts, but holy cripes the Jags shut out the Steelers for two quarters, which hadn't happened since 1980. Plus, last season the Jags managed to do the same to the Colts. If the D can play 60 minutes today, the Jags get on the plane with the win. Of course, the sportswriters will be talking about Ben Roflberger's "rust" rubbing off on Pey-ton, as opposed to giving the Jags credit for the win, but that's kind of how I like it.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo - The Jets had a good start but the Bills are playing pretty okay right now. Either way, this game is not interesting to me at all.
Tennessee at Miami - Eventually won't they have to win? Billy Volek laughs all the way to the bank. Whatever that means.
Washington at Houston - Not quite, Houston.
Baltimore at Cleveland - The Ravens are playing surprisingly solid ball for a bunch of Civil War veterans.
N.Y. Giants at Seattle - The Giants start Tim Hasselbeck, ESPN fails to care. The Hasselbeck Bowl is postponed yet again.
Philadelphia at San Francisco - The Eagles blew it last week, but don't look for this one to go into OT.
St. Louis at Arizona - Jesus Christ who cares?
Denver at New England - Whatever.
Monday
Atlanta at New Orleans - Everybody wants to see this. Saints lead the NFC South 3-0, everybody's heads explode, Reggie Bush receives credit for the amazing start, the Texans get laughed at by me and everybody else.
Interesting side note: come Tuesday morning, the NFC South will be stacked 3-0, 2-1, 1-2, 0-3. Neat.
Carolina at Tampa Bay - Come on guys, please? Can we fire the cannons at least once this season? I'll pick the Bucs because the Panthers apparently really need Steve Smith to win.
Chicago at Minnesota - Fluky wins for the Vikes don't translate into 3-0. The Bears will have their way with the Vikings. Rex Grossman gets tapped on the wrist and loses an arm.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh - This is gonna be an awesome game. Everybody has been talking about it. This'll be a good test of the Bengals';s's D. If they can shut down the Steelers like the Jags did, look out.
Green Bay at Detroit - Green Bay? More like Green Booooo! Favre blows another one and more fans turn on him. Really, this Brett Favre situation makes me sad.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis - I know the Steelers don't have quite the same high-octane offense as the Colts, but holy cripes the Jags shut out the Steelers for two quarters, which hadn't happened since 1980. Plus, last season the Jags managed to do the same to the Colts. If the D can play 60 minutes today, the Jags get on the plane with the win. Of course, the sportswriters will be talking about Ben Roflberger's "rust" rubbing off on Pey-ton, as opposed to giving the Jags credit for the win, but that's kind of how I like it.
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo - The Jets had a good start but the Bills are playing pretty okay right now. Either way, this game is not interesting to me at all.
Tennessee at Miami - Eventually won't they have to win? Billy Volek laughs all the way to the bank. Whatever that means.
Washington at Houston - Not quite, Houston.
Baltimore at Cleveland - The Ravens are playing surprisingly solid ball for a bunch of Civil War veterans.
N.Y. Giants at Seattle - The Giants start Tim Hasselbeck, ESPN fails to care. The Hasselbeck Bowl is postponed yet again.
Philadelphia at San Francisco - The Eagles blew it last week, but don't look for this one to go into OT.
St. Louis at Arizona - Jesus Christ who cares?
Denver at New England - Whatever.
Monday
Atlanta at New Orleans - Everybody wants to see this. Saints lead the NFC South 3-0, everybody's heads explode, Reggie Bush receives credit for the amazing start, the Texans get laughed at by me and everybody else.
Interesting side note: come Tuesday morning, the NFC South will be stacked 3-0, 2-1, 1-2, 0-3. Neat.
9/19/2006
Week 2 recap
11-5 on regular season predictions. Could've gone 13-3 if I'd listened to logic and not picked the Bucs and the Jets. Oh well, at least the Jets made the last half of the game interesting.
And speaking of interesting, who would've thought that the fucking Saints would be tied for the top of the NFC South at this point? And that the Bucs and the Panthers would be tied in a race for the goddamned basement? Steve Smith is still listed as "questionable" for the Vikes game, and the Bucs haven't scored a touchdown in two weeks. The Bucs haven't had this low of a points-per-game average since, oh, I dunno... 197-fucking-6 when they went 0-16.
Dear Jon Gruden: Please allow Phil Simms into the Bucs' training facility so Chris can try to impress his Dad and maybe actually throw the goddamned ball at a receiver instead of a defensive lineman's outstretched hand.
But hey, I feel pretty good about calling the Jags over the Steelers. Nobody sees the Jags coming, but they'll be there at the end of the year, you can count on it.
More later...
And speaking of interesting, who would've thought that the fucking Saints would be tied for the top of the NFC South at this point? And that the Bucs and the Panthers would be tied in a race for the goddamned basement? Steve Smith is still listed as "questionable" for the Vikes game, and the Bucs haven't scored a touchdown in two weeks. The Bucs haven't had this low of a points-per-game average since, oh, I dunno... 197-fucking-6 when they went 0-16.
Dear Jon Gruden: Please allow Phil Simms into the Bucs' training facility so Chris can try to impress his Dad and maybe actually throw the goddamned ball at a receiver instead of a defensive lineman's outstretched hand.
But hey, I feel pretty good about calling the Jags over the Steelers. Nobody sees the Jags coming, but they'll be there at the end of the year, you can count on it.
More later...
9/14/2006
Week 2 predictions
And just like that, an immediate turnaround to Week 2 predictions. No further ado.
Sunday
Buffalo at Miami - Miami's at home. Their D is going to have a field day with Buffalol's shitty O line.
Carolina at Minnesota - Carolina has trouble without Steve Smith, and he's questionable on the injury report. If he's healthy, I'll take Carolina.
Cleveland at Cincinnati - Carson Palmer's knee's eerie powers of the dead propel the Bengals to victory.
Detroit at Chicago - I'm pretty sure there's a Bible parable about a lion fighting a bear, and now it's made manifest. I don't remember who wins in the good book, but I do know the Bears will win this game. Jesus, that sounds corny.
Houston at Indianapolis - No-brainer. Unless #1 overall draft pick Mario Williams piles up 10 sacks, the Houston D will be incapable of stopping the Colts.
New Orleans at Green Bay - #2 overall draft pick Reggie Bush, meanwhile, will be having a goddamned field day running the fuck over Green Bay's terrible defense. This will not be a 51-3 whipping. At least, not for the Saints.
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia - I LOVES ME SOME BLACK QUARTERBACKS!
Oakland at Baltimore - Oakland does twice as bad and Baltimore does twice as good. Christ, the Raiders are awful this year.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta - By kickoff, Jon Gruden will have spent 160 straight hours screaming at the Bucs. The coaching staff will have screened Child's Play in the film room. The Buccaneers will have their game of the season this Sunday, lest Chucky murder them in their sleep. (And if Chris Simms performs like he did last Sunday, that might just happen anyway.)
Arizona at Seattle - As long as the Madden curse doesn't strike in this game, Seattle should do all right.
St. Louis at San Francisco - The Rams beat Denver last week and the 49ers are horrible.
Kansas City at Denver - Trent Green is actually dead and will be missed. Jake Plummer does his thing (his good thing, I mean, not his "throw 5 INTs" thing) and the Donkos win.
New England at N.Y. Jets - 80,000 screaming fans are tough to ignore, plus, fuck the Patriots.
Tennessee at San Diego - BEEP BEEP ALL ABOARD THE LADAINIAN TOMLINSON BUS. 5,000 yards rushing on 3,000 carries for LdT.
Washington at Dallas - Homefield advantage. Seriously, flip a fucking coin.
Monday
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville - Charlie Batch can't do it twice in a row; his mom's hair just isn't that powerful. If Roflberger's healthy, though, pick the fucking Steelers. And then jump on the fucking bandwagon and keep sucking your own dicks. Someday, Pittsburgh, your uppance will come.
Sunday
Buffalo at Miami - Miami's at home. Their D is going to have a field day with Buffalol's shitty O line.
Carolina at Minnesota - Carolina has trouble without Steve Smith, and he's questionable on the injury report. If he's healthy, I'll take Carolina.
Cleveland at Cincinnati - Carson Palmer's knee's eerie powers of the dead propel the Bengals to victory.
Detroit at Chicago - I'm pretty sure there's a Bible parable about a lion fighting a bear, and now it's made manifest. I don't remember who wins in the good book, but I do know the Bears will win this game. Jesus, that sounds corny.
Houston at Indianapolis - No-brainer. Unless #1 overall draft pick Mario Williams piles up 10 sacks, the Houston D will be incapable of stopping the Colts.
New Orleans at Green Bay - #2 overall draft pick Reggie Bush, meanwhile, will be having a goddamned field day running the fuck over Green Bay's terrible defense. This will not be a 51-3 whipping. At least, not for the Saints.
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia - I LOVES ME SOME BLACK QUARTERBACKS!
Oakland at Baltimore - Oakland does twice as bad and Baltimore does twice as good. Christ, the Raiders are awful this year.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta - By kickoff, Jon Gruden will have spent 160 straight hours screaming at the Bucs. The coaching staff will have screened Child's Play in the film room. The Buccaneers will have their game of the season this Sunday, lest Chucky murder them in their sleep. (And if Chris Simms performs like he did last Sunday, that might just happen anyway.)
Arizona at Seattle - As long as the Madden curse doesn't strike in this game, Seattle should do all right.
St. Louis at San Francisco - The Rams beat Denver last week and the 49ers are horrible.
Kansas City at Denver - Trent Green is actually dead and will be missed. Jake Plummer does his thing (his good thing, I mean, not his "throw 5 INTs" thing) and the Donkos win.
New England at N.Y. Jets - 80,000 screaming fans are tough to ignore, plus, fuck the Patriots.
Tennessee at San Diego - BEEP BEEP ALL ABOARD THE LADAINIAN TOMLINSON BUS. 5,000 yards rushing on 3,000 carries for LdT.
Washington at Dallas - Homefield advantage. Seriously, flip a fucking coin.
Monday
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville - Charlie Batch can't do it twice in a row; his mom's hair just isn't that powerful. If Roflberger's healthy, though, pick the fucking Steelers. And then jump on the fucking bandwagon and keep sucking your own dicks. Someday, Pittsburgh, your uppance will come.
Week 1 recap
Okay, so I dropped the ball on week 1 predictions. Oops. My laptop is dangerously close to a complete meltdown, so I'm loathe to use it. As it is, I'm using my girlfriend's laptop for this update.
So, week 1 came and went and there were some surprising performances as well as some disappointments (goddamn you, Bucs). Let's recap, yes?
Pittsburgh managed to come from behind thanks to some heads-up defense, some questionable Culpepper decisions, and a surprisingly competent Charlie Batch. I'm not sure what this game means for Culpepper and the Dolphins. Culpepper seems to be the one quarterback nobody can agree upon. He's either over- or underrated, depending on which sportswriter you're reading. If you look at his career numbers, he's obviously a solid QB. However, instance to instance, maybe not. Throwing 2 INTs in a row when your team is trying to come back after blowing a sizeable lead kinda sucks, guy. Either way, they've got a great kick & punt returner in Casper the Friendly Wideout, so... look out for that guy, I guess.
Atlanta absolutely blew away Carolina, which isn't a surprise. The Panthers don't seem to perform well without #89, which is why they wanted Keyshawn so badly: they needed someone to take the heat off of Steve Smith. Well, they got Johnson but may have lost Smith for a few weeks, so we'll have to see if the D can compensate for the offense's troubling lack of doing much of any godddamn thing.
Chad Pennington and the Jets, eh? I knew the kid had it in him, he just has a shoulder made of pediatric cancer patient wishes: far too fragile to stand up to the harsh reality of an 8-man rush. It doesn't hurt that the Titans kinda blow.
Philly beat the Texans, which isn't a huge surprise, unless you're getting paid to write about sports in which case you are frantically scrambling to explain your preseason dismissal of the Eaglets. Houston played better than they did last season and David Carr was pretty okay when he was able to remain upright. Honestly, I think the Eagles are a consistently underrated team like the Jaguars or the Bucs who can sneak into the playoffs and then either not go anywhere (Jags), win big (Bucs, eventually), or throw up onto their own 25 yard line during the last drive of the Superbowl (Eagles, lol). Anyway, there's no reason to discount McNabb this season. Unless you're some kind of dick who thinks everyone shows him love only because he's a black QB. If that's the case, nobody cares what you think. Have another Oxycontin.
And for the last game on Sunday, the Manning Bowl, what else can be said? The Colts D is their usual, awful self, and the Giants fucked themselves with penalties long before the horrible OPI call in the 4th. Vinatieri looked smooth as silk, too. Of course, the Colts did have plenty of opportunities to scout him during the approximately 200 playoff games he won for the Patriots against the Colts, so no big wonder they wanted him bad.
Which brings us to Monday Night Football, and the first doubleheader of MNF history. I dig on this, and I think everybody else did, too. I'd like to see more MFN doubleheaders in the regular season, and at the very least every season should start with one. If I could make a suggestion, however, I'd like the first game to be a little less of a field goal fiesta. Keep the second game crucifixion, though, 'cause us folks on the East Coast like to go to bed early sometimes.
So, there you go. Week 1 encapsulated. And yes, I'm deliberately ignoring the Bucs game, because it was awful. Chris Simms, you bastard, you broke my heart.
So, week 1 came and went and there were some surprising performances as well as some disappointments (goddamn you, Bucs). Let's recap, yes?
Pittsburgh managed to come from behind thanks to some heads-up defense, some questionable Culpepper decisions, and a surprisingly competent Charlie Batch. I'm not sure what this game means for Culpepper and the Dolphins. Culpepper seems to be the one quarterback nobody can agree upon. He's either over- or underrated, depending on which sportswriter you're reading. If you look at his career numbers, he's obviously a solid QB. However, instance to instance, maybe not. Throwing 2 INTs in a row when your team is trying to come back after blowing a sizeable lead kinda sucks, guy. Either way, they've got a great kick & punt returner in Casper the Friendly Wideout, so... look out for that guy, I guess.
Atlanta absolutely blew away Carolina, which isn't a surprise. The Panthers don't seem to perform well without #89, which is why they wanted Keyshawn so badly: they needed someone to take the heat off of Steve Smith. Well, they got Johnson but may have lost Smith for a few weeks, so we'll have to see if the D can compensate for the offense's troubling lack of doing much of any godddamn thing.
Chad Pennington and the Jets, eh? I knew the kid had it in him, he just has a shoulder made of pediatric cancer patient wishes: far too fragile to stand up to the harsh reality of an 8-man rush. It doesn't hurt that the Titans kinda blow.
Philly beat the Texans, which isn't a huge surprise, unless you're getting paid to write about sports in which case you are frantically scrambling to explain your preseason dismissal of the Eaglets. Houston played better than they did last season and David Carr was pretty okay when he was able to remain upright. Honestly, I think the Eagles are a consistently underrated team like the Jaguars or the Bucs who can sneak into the playoffs and then either not go anywhere (Jags), win big (Bucs, eventually), or throw up onto their own 25 yard line during the last drive of the Superbowl (Eagles, lol). Anyway, there's no reason to discount McNabb this season. Unless you're some kind of dick who thinks everyone shows him love only because he's a black QB. If that's the case, nobody cares what you think. Have another Oxycontin.
And for the last game on Sunday, the Manning Bowl, what else can be said? The Colts D is their usual, awful self, and the Giants fucked themselves with penalties long before the horrible OPI call in the 4th. Vinatieri looked smooth as silk, too. Of course, the Colts did have plenty of opportunities to scout him during the approximately 200 playoff games he won for the Patriots against the Colts, so no big wonder they wanted him bad.
Which brings us to Monday Night Football, and the first doubleheader of MNF history. I dig on this, and I think everybody else did, too. I'd like to see more MFN doubleheaders in the regular season, and at the very least every season should start with one. If I could make a suggestion, however, I'd like the first game to be a little less of a field goal fiesta. Keep the second game crucifixion, though, 'cause us folks on the East Coast like to go to bed early sometimes.
So, there you go. Week 1 encapsulated. And yes, I'm deliberately ignoring the Bucs game, because it was awful. Chris Simms, you bastard, you broke my heart.
9/04/2006
Charlie Batch
So Ben Roffleberger goes down to appendicitis and won't start Thursday against the Dolphins. Smart money's on the 'Fins, gents.
Kyle Wright?
FUCK HIM.
Also, has anyone else noticed Lou Holtz bears a striking similarity to Gordon from Dodgeball?
Also, has anyone else noticed Lou Holtz bears a striking similarity to Gordon from Dodgeball?
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