YouTube Football Videos

Hurricanes highlight reel with fucking Motorhead for the soundtrack.

Hurricanes 2005 season highlight reel with NFL Films music soundtrack. If you don't dig on Sam Spence's tunes, you're a fucking Communist. This one is especially good because last season a friend of my Dad's kept telling us "Oh, Miami's still got to go through Wake Forest! They beat us [FSU] and we beat you, so your season's not over." Every time he started sucking Wake Forest cock, I'd make the international jerk-off motion and he'd say "Well, we'll see who's jerking off who after the game." We didn't watch it with him, but I kind of wish we had, because Miami put Wake Forest down like they were a pack of heat-sick dogs thrashing madly in the middle of a street.

Caddy-lack Williams highlights. Ignore the fact that it starts with a video of the ESPN draft coverage and watch Caddylack run like a fucking maniac.

2002 NFC Championship Game where the Bucs absolutely ruin the Eagles. In sub-40* weather. Eat shit, you curse-mongerers. Be sure to watch for Ronde Barber blitzing from McNabb's back. That motherfucker zips into the frame so fucking fast you don't really know what it is you've just seen. Absolutely terrifying, and not just for NFL quarterbacks. Remember that for 8 months of the year they let that psychopath walk freely around.

Part 1 of NFL Films' "Believe," the story of the 2002-03 Buccaneers. Part 2 and part 3. If you can watch these, knowing even the smallest bit about how much the Bucs struggled in the past, without getting misty-eyed, you probably voted for Bush in '04 and would welcome a police-state as a method with which to express your latent homosexual desires. Ooh, powerful men with utility belts want to kick in my door? And TIE ME DOWN!? WHERE DO I SIGN UP!?

This is methadone, though, compared to real, live football coverage. The first TV-covered game of the pre-pre-season is on Sunday, and that game is even more meaningless than the much-shit-upon pre-season. I know the pre-season games are a hassle, because COME THE FUCK ON LET'S PLAY ALREADY but I will let you in on a little secret: watch the pre-season games and you can generally tell how some teams will do.

It's not 100% guaranteed (see last years' Jets), but every coach in the league hates losing. I remember with razor-sharp clarity one pre-season game starring the Kansas City Chiefs and some other team. The Chiefs were media darlings that season, everyone knew they were going to the Superbowl, blah blah blah. The Chiefs started their 2nd string offensive line, 3rd string running back, all that shit. The other team started running all over the Chiefs. Their QB couldn't get a ball off accurately, the RB couldn't gain positive yards, it was a fucking disaster. At the start of the second half, the Chiefs put their 1st string offensive line in against the other team's second string D-line and STILL GOT DOMINATED. Tell me that's not something you'd like to know before the season starts?

I know you sick, self-absorbed fucks will discount my advice and shit on the pre-season but when I knew 4 weeks ago that the Chiefs can't block shit, I will fleece you like a puffy sheep for all the cash you have in your wallet. I will offer double or nothing, a spread, and points, and you will owe me your sisters. And that is frankly how I want it to be.