Preseason predictions

Praise God and pass the pigskin, it's football season. As stated in an earlier post, I don't give two shits if you don't give two shits about the preseason. Football is football, even if Pey-ton is only gonna play a few minutes of football tonight.

How can anybody shit on 3 straight weeks where 4 out of 7 days of the week will have a football game on TV? I just don't understand you people. I guess I'll have to address the preseason in a post of its own soon, but until then let's have fun predicting the outcomes of games that have no meaning except to the poor dumb bastards who struggle for a place on the squad during those 60 minutes their teams are on the field.

First, Hall of Fame weekend. Good Lord, that Brian Westbrook can scamper, can't he? It's just too damn bad for his knee ligaments that he's going to have to be the Eagles' #1 receiver AND a workhorse RB. Better cook up some Campbell's Chunky, Mrs. McNabb. Also, the Raiders: lol. That's all you need to know about them this year. And yeah, I'm dismissing an entire team based on their performance in a meaningless exhibition game where the starters only played for around 15 minutes. That's the kind of committment to excellence you can expect from Footlawl.

Anyway, on to this weekend. Tonight the Eagles host the Browns (kick-off is at 7:30) and the Rams host the Colts (kick-off at 8:00, game televised nationally on FOX). The Eagles will dominate the Browns all night. Philly fans will throw batteries. And to start a tradition, everytime the Browns are mentioned, I will show my undying love for the name ~*Romeo Crennel*~. It's my favorite name in the NFL after <3 Lovie Smith <3.

So, the Colts. Of course Peyton's going to come out and want to whiz some balls towards the end zone, and the Edge is gonna want to burn up some artificial turf on his way to the end zone, so look for the Colts to take an early lead. It'll be.... hmmm, hold on a second.

Oh my God, the Colts actually shitcanned Edgerrin James? Holy Christ, I thought that was a joke! Oh, Tony Dungy. Oh, Indianapolis. Jesus. It's a fucking good thing they picked up Vinatieri, assuming their defense doesn't give up so many points that the game ends up with 3+ points difference. As long as he can fire off last-second field goals for the win, the Colts might actually go to the Superbowl this year.

HAHAHAHA just kidding, Indianapolis. You had your chance and lost it. The key to the Colts' offensive attack was the play-action pass. Fake a hand-off to Edgerrin (who is absolutely a threat to burn your D for 140 yards on one play), watch 8 guys bite hard, then float a ball to one of the 40 receivers 70 yards away, touchdown, Colts lead 38-7. Look for any team facing the Colts this season to adopt the 0-0-11 defense. It's going to be hilarious.

(PS- it's now known that one of the main reasons Arizona wanted Edge was for his blocking abilities. Wrap your fucking heads around that one; I just threw up from laughing. Oh yeah, I'll take the Colts tonight. Did I forget to mention that?)

Let's run-down the rest of the weekend with a quickness. Projected winners are in bold.

Friday
Denver at Detroit
NY Jets at Tampa Bay (7:30 on ABC if you're in Orlando)
New England at Atlanta (8:00 on CBS)
NY Giants at Baltimore
Chicago at San Francisco

Saturday
Pittsburgh at Arizona
Buffalo at Carolina
Jacksonville at Miami (7:30 on UPN [for fuck's sake] if you live in Orlando)
Kansas City at Houston
New Orleans at Tennessee
Dallas at Seattle
Green Bay at San Diego

Sunday
Washington at Cincinnati (8:00 on NBC)

Monday
Oakland at Minnesota (8:00 on ESPN)

I swear I don't have a hard-on for the NFC South. Also, Saints v. Titans? Reggie Bush and Vince Young? Who wouldn't murder a second-tier relative to see that game?