For me, the best part of last week's preseason action was when my girlfriend visited me at work and told me "Cinci won, 19-3." I asked her if she'd caught the score on ESPN or Sun Sports or what and she said "No, I kept watching the game after you left." Shit, I love this girl.
Anyway, this is not Dick Vermeil's blog, so I'll keep it cold and emotionless for as long as possible. I missed the chance to call tonight's games, but I'll be 100% honest: I would've picked the Giants over the Chiefs and the Eagles over the Ravens.
This kind of proves my point about the preseason, though: the Eagles have not done shit this preseason (1-2 currently), even when given teams that you'd think they could roll right the hell over. I know the first-string teams don't play too many downs, but honestly, when your backups are this cocksucking awful, you're in trouble.
Some ... I was originally going to say "surpring", but that's a bit strong... call it "eyebrow-raising" performances came from "Air" McNair and Eli Manning tonight. McNabb was a solid QB a few years ago, but apparently Philly's management disallows him to scamper for first downs, putting him in situations where if Westbrook is covered, he's fucked. Official Footlawl prediction: the Eagles will be lucky to post a 5-11 record this season.
I'll admit I didn't get a chance to watch the whole game, but seeing ESPN's postgame recap of the Chiefs/Giants game kinda makes me question Larry Johnson's value as #1 fantasy pick. I mean, he had 4 carries for 8 yards. A far cry from the 1,000 yards in one game everyone (including Reggie Bush if you've seen the ESPN phone commercials) is expecting.
My fantasy league's draft is Saturday, and I think I've got a pretty solid strategy for drafting. My personal top 5 are: LT, LJ, Caddylack, Barber, and Alexander. Alexander drops 'cause he's on the cover of this year's Madden, and the Madden curse is just a bit too eerie to be coincidence. If I wind up with an early pick, I'll choose any of those first 4 over Alexander, based soley on the curse. If by some fluke he survies to the second round, I'll happily pick him as a backup and start him as an offensive utility player, but Jesus Christ, I'm going to laugh long and hard at the poor, dumb bastards who pick him ASAP in the first round after he goes down in week 5 with a herniated penis or whatever it is that keeps RBs down these days.
As a fantasy aside, I've seen a lot of magazines listing the Tampa Bay defense in the top 5, behind teams like the Bears, Panthers, Steelers, etc. Last year, the Bucs' D allowed 277.8 yards per game, lowest by far in the league. I'd really love to take their D for my fantasy team, but I'm not convinced they've got the freshness in them. They have an early bye week and that 3-games-in-10-days streak around Thanksgiving is going to murder them. As I said in one of the first posts, their top 7 defensive players have a combined 69 years of experience. Yipes. Gives me diarrhea.
Anybody who picks Neil Rackers as their kicker deserves a steel-toed boot to the testicles. I am volunteering my steel-toed boots for duty, even with my torn-to-shit right knee. Bryant, kicker for the Bucs, looks to be a good pick. That's an offical Footlawl prediction. Unless your fantasy league gives points for long boots, in which case, fuck it pick Rackers. Who cares? Apparently kickers are all the same.
Friday
Cincinatti at Buffalo
Detroit at Cleveland
San Diego at Chicago
Saturday
Carolina at Jacksonville
Miami at Tampa Bay
Arizona at New England
Atlanta at Green Bay
Houston at St. Louis
Minnesota at Pittsburgh
NY Jets at Washington
Tennessee at Denver
Sunday
Seattle at Indianapolis
San Francisco at Oakland
Monday
Dallas at New Orleans
You better fuckin' believe I'm calling in sick to work tomorrow and Saturday. There is no way I am going to miss a Panthers/Jaguars & Bucs/Dolphins double-header. Plus, the Chargers/Bears could get interesting.
And this weekend, I'd really like to get out to Disney's Wide World of Sports to see the Bucs work through some drills. There was an article by Len Pasquarelli on ESPN.com not too long ago about Simeon Rice and how he's sad his name isn't as recognized as, say, Michael Strahan's. I wanna give the big lug a big hug. And also to tell him to give Roflberger flashbacks to his motorcycle accident come 12/03/2006.
Also, everyone needs to check out Pandora.com, 'cause it's pretty wicked. Type in the name of a song you dig or an artist you like and watch it pick out similar suggestions automatically. Footlawl recommends the artist Psyclon Nine. That's right, evil synth-pop/EBM and football. I think you'll find they complement each other quite nicely.
8/13/2006
Predictions
With 2 minutes to kickoff tonight, Footlawl is 7-7 on preseason predictions. That's just awful. I wish I could have seen what Houston did to go 10 points up on Kansas City.
8/10/2006
Jim Sorgi more like Jim Sucki
Watching the game now, it occurs to me that Indianapolis better pray to whatever dark gods they serve that Peyton Manning stays healthy, otherwise they are fucked.
Also, Isaac Bruce is still playing pro ball? Jesus.
Edit: So the Colts got stomped. The score doesn't tell the story of the game. Indianapolis fans should pucker their sphincters in grim anticipation of an injury to Peyton Manning. Sean King did all right at one point (to quote a friend, regarding that specific point: "All the Colts need to do to win is wear down the opposing team until they're playing their 4th-string defense.") but Jim Sorgi flat-out fucking sucks. Even Pey-ton's presence might not be enough to overcome the shitty defense.
Ok, fair point: the defense is banged up from training camp (cue clip of Jeremy Shockey talking, quite fairly, about guys getting banged up during training camp), but guess what, Indy? Injuries happen. And if Pey-ton goes down, your season goes down with him. Don't get me wrong, I'd hate to see Peyton get hurt, but just because he's started 128 straight games doesn't mean he's guaranteed 129. Plan for that, Indy. And in return for that advice, all I ask is that if you do win the Superbowl, you whip the mortal piss out of the Patriots on your way. Thanks.
I was kind of surprised by the level of play the Rams brought, to be honest. A few workhorse backs who would just not go down, some beautiful sideline receptions, and a quarterback who's not afraid to scramble (even if he is scrambling because he's afraid of defensive linemen) overcame probably the worst defensive effort you'll (hopefully) see this season. Though the Rams didn't do much defensively either. Any 3 and outs the Colts had were mostly due to backup offensive ineptitude than stellar (or even average) defensive playing.
And this is why I love/hate the preseason. The games suck, enjoyment comes from mocking the level of play, the games mean absolutely bupkiss except to those kids giving their best in an attempt to catch Dungy's eye, but tonight Fox was a crystal ball, allowing me to view a world without Peyton Manning. The future is grim, Indy fans, but if the Back to the Future trilogy taught me anything (and it taught me a lot), it's that the future isn't written in stone.
Right now, your older brother and sister (i.e. your playoff hopes) are disappearing because your mom and dad haven't kissed yet (i.e. you haven't met a solid 2nd-string QB), but if you pick up your guitar and play the rhythm line for "Earth Angel," (i.e. actually get off your asses and scout/hire a fucking quarterback worth a damn) they'll kiss and fall in love and then you and crazy old Doc Brown can go back to 1985 and get shot by fucking Libyans (i.e. ... well, actually, I don't have a parallel for this one).
Oh, and the Eagles won but I couldn't see the game on TV. 1-1 on official predictions.
Also, Isaac Bruce is still playing pro ball? Jesus.
Edit: So the Colts got stomped. The score doesn't tell the story of the game. Indianapolis fans should pucker their sphincters in grim anticipation of an injury to Peyton Manning. Sean King did all right at one point (to quote a friend, regarding that specific point: "All the Colts need to do to win is wear down the opposing team until they're playing their 4th-string defense.") but Jim Sorgi flat-out fucking sucks. Even Pey-ton's presence might not be enough to overcome the shitty defense.
Ok, fair point: the defense is banged up from training camp (cue clip of Jeremy Shockey talking, quite fairly, about guys getting banged up during training camp), but guess what, Indy? Injuries happen. And if Pey-ton goes down, your season goes down with him. Don't get me wrong, I'd hate to see Peyton get hurt, but just because he's started 128 straight games doesn't mean he's guaranteed 129. Plan for that, Indy. And in return for that advice, all I ask is that if you do win the Superbowl, you whip the mortal piss out of the Patriots on your way. Thanks.
I was kind of surprised by the level of play the Rams brought, to be honest. A few workhorse backs who would just not go down, some beautiful sideline receptions, and a quarterback who's not afraid to scramble (even if he is scrambling because he's afraid of defensive linemen) overcame probably the worst defensive effort you'll (hopefully) see this season. Though the Rams didn't do much defensively either. Any 3 and outs the Colts had were mostly due to backup offensive ineptitude than stellar (or even average) defensive playing.
And this is why I love/hate the preseason. The games suck, enjoyment comes from mocking the level of play, the games mean absolutely bupkiss except to those kids giving their best in an attempt to catch Dungy's eye, but tonight Fox was a crystal ball, allowing me to view a world without Peyton Manning. The future is grim, Indy fans, but if the Back to the Future trilogy taught me anything (and it taught me a lot), it's that the future isn't written in stone.
Right now, your older brother and sister (i.e. your playoff hopes) are disappearing because your mom and dad haven't kissed yet (i.e. you haven't met a solid 2nd-string QB), but if you pick up your guitar and play the rhythm line for "Earth Angel," (i.e. actually get off your asses and scout/hire a fucking quarterback worth a damn) they'll kiss and fall in love and then you and crazy old Doc Brown can go back to 1985 and get shot by fucking Libyans (i.e. ... well, actually, I don't have a parallel for this one).
Oh, and the Eagles won but I couldn't see the game on TV. 1-1 on official predictions.
Preseason predictions
Praise God and pass the pigskin, it's football season. As stated in an earlier post, I don't give two shits if you don't give two shits about the preseason. Football is football, even if Pey-ton is only gonna play a few minutes of football tonight.
How can anybody shit on 3 straight weeks where 4 out of 7 days of the week will have a football game on TV? I just don't understand you people. I guess I'll have to address the preseason in a post of its own soon, but until then let's have fun predicting the outcomes of games that have no meaning except to the poor dumb bastards who struggle for a place on the squad during those 60 minutes their teams are on the field.
First, Hall of Fame weekend. Good Lord, that Brian Westbrook can scamper, can't he? It's just too damn bad for his knee ligaments that he's going to have to be the Eagles' #1 receiver AND a workhorse RB. Better cook up some Campbell's Chunky, Mrs. McNabb. Also, the Raiders: lol. That's all you need to know about them this year. And yeah, I'm dismissing an entire team based on their performance in a meaningless exhibition game where the starters only played for around 15 minutes. That's the kind of committment to excellence you can expect from Footlawl.
Anyway, on to this weekend. Tonight the Eagles host the Browns (kick-off is at 7:30) and the Rams host the Colts (kick-off at 8:00, game televised nationally on FOX). The Eagles will dominate the Browns all night. Philly fans will throw batteries. And to start a tradition, everytime the Browns are mentioned, I will show my undying love for the name ~*Romeo Crennel*~. It's my favorite name in the NFL after <3 Lovie Smith <3.
So, the Colts. Of course Peyton's going to come out and want to whiz some balls towards the end zone, and the Edge is gonna want to burn up some artificial turf on his way to the end zone, so look for the Colts to take an early lead. It'll be.... hmmm, hold on a second.
Oh my God, the Colts actually shitcanned Edgerrin James? Holy Christ, I thought that was a joke! Oh, Tony Dungy. Oh, Indianapolis. Jesus. It's a fucking good thing they picked up Vinatieri, assuming their defense doesn't give up so many points that the game ends up with 3+ points difference. As long as he can fire off last-second field goals for the win, the Colts might actually go to the Superbowl this year.
HAHAHAHA just kidding, Indianapolis. You had your chance and lost it. The key to the Colts' offensive attack was the play-action pass. Fake a hand-off to Edgerrin (who is absolutely a threat to burn your D for 140 yards on one play), watch 8 guys bite hard, then float a ball to one of the 40 receivers 70 yards away, touchdown, Colts lead 38-7. Look for any team facing the Colts this season to adopt the 0-0-11 defense. It's going to be hilarious.
(PS- it's now known that one of the main reasons Arizona wanted Edge was for his blocking abilities. Wrap your fucking heads around that one; I just threw up from laughing. Oh yeah, I'll take the Colts tonight. Did I forget to mention that?)
Let's run-down the rest of the weekend with a quickness. Projected winners are in bold.
Friday
Denver at Detroit
NY Jets at Tampa Bay (7:30 on ABC if you're in Orlando)
New England at Atlanta (8:00 on CBS)
NY Giants at Baltimore
Chicago at San Francisco
Saturday
Pittsburgh at Arizona
Buffalo at Carolina
Jacksonville at Miami (7:30 on UPN [for fuck's sake] if you live in Orlando)
Kansas City at Houston
New Orleans at Tennessee
Dallas at Seattle
Green Bay at San Diego
Sunday
Washington at Cincinnati (8:00 on NBC)
Monday
Oakland at Minnesota (8:00 on ESPN)
I swear I don't have a hard-on for the NFC South. Also, Saints v. Titans? Reggie Bush and Vince Young? Who wouldn't murder a second-tier relative to see that game?
How can anybody shit on 3 straight weeks where 4 out of 7 days of the week will have a football game on TV? I just don't understand you people. I guess I'll have to address the preseason in a post of its own soon, but until then let's have fun predicting the outcomes of games that have no meaning except to the poor dumb bastards who struggle for a place on the squad during those 60 minutes their teams are on the field.
First, Hall of Fame weekend. Good Lord, that Brian Westbrook can scamper, can't he? It's just too damn bad for his knee ligaments that he's going to have to be the Eagles' #1 receiver AND a workhorse RB. Better cook up some Campbell's Chunky, Mrs. McNabb. Also, the Raiders: lol. That's all you need to know about them this year. And yeah, I'm dismissing an entire team based on their performance in a meaningless exhibition game where the starters only played for around 15 minutes. That's the kind of committment to excellence you can expect from Footlawl.
Anyway, on to this weekend. Tonight the Eagles host the Browns (kick-off is at 7:30) and the Rams host the Colts (kick-off at 8:00, game televised nationally on FOX). The Eagles will dominate the Browns all night. Philly fans will throw batteries. And to start a tradition, everytime the Browns are mentioned, I will show my undying love for the name ~*Romeo Crennel*~. It's my favorite name in the NFL after <3 Lovie Smith <3.
So, the Colts. Of course Peyton's going to come out and want to whiz some balls towards the end zone, and the Edge is gonna want to burn up some artificial turf on his way to the end zone, so look for the Colts to take an early lead. It'll be.... hmmm, hold on a second.
Oh my God, the Colts actually shitcanned Edgerrin James? Holy Christ, I thought that was a joke! Oh, Tony Dungy. Oh, Indianapolis. Jesus. It's a fucking good thing they picked up Vinatieri, assuming their defense doesn't give up so many points that the game ends up with 3+ points difference. As long as he can fire off last-second field goals for the win, the Colts might actually go to the Superbowl this year.
HAHAHAHA just kidding, Indianapolis. You had your chance and lost it. The key to the Colts' offensive attack was the play-action pass. Fake a hand-off to Edgerrin (who is absolutely a threat to burn your D for 140 yards on one play), watch 8 guys bite hard, then float a ball to one of the 40 receivers 70 yards away, touchdown, Colts lead 38-7. Look for any team facing the Colts this season to adopt the 0-0-11 defense. It's going to be hilarious.
(PS- it's now known that one of the main reasons Arizona wanted Edge was for his blocking abilities. Wrap your fucking heads around that one; I just threw up from laughing. Oh yeah, I'll take the Colts tonight. Did I forget to mention that?)
Let's run-down the rest of the weekend with a quickness. Projected winners are in bold.
Friday
Denver at Detroit
NY Jets at Tampa Bay (7:30 on ABC if you're in Orlando)
New England at Atlanta (8:00 on CBS)
NY Giants at Baltimore
Chicago at San Francisco
Saturday
Pittsburgh at Arizona
Buffalo at Carolina
Jacksonville at Miami (7:30 on UPN [for fuck's sake] if you live in Orlando)
Kansas City at Houston
New Orleans at Tennessee
Dallas at Seattle
Green Bay at San Diego
Sunday
Washington at Cincinnati (8:00 on NBC)
Monday
Oakland at Minnesota (8:00 on ESPN)
I swear I don't have a hard-on for the NFC South. Also, Saints v. Titans? Reggie Bush and Vince Young? Who wouldn't murder a second-tier relative to see that game?
8/05/2006
YouTube Football Videos
This is methadone, though, compared to real, live football coverage. The first TV-covered game of the pre-pre-season is on Sunday, and that game is even more meaningless than the much-shit-upon pre-season. I know the pre-season games are a hassle, because COME THE FUCK ON LET'S PLAY ALREADY but I will let you in on a little secret: watch the pre-season games and you can generally tell how some teams will do.
It's not 100% guaranteed (see last years' Jets), but every coach in the league hates losing. I remember with razor-sharp clarity one pre-season game starring the Kansas City Chiefs and some other team. The Chiefs were media darlings that season, everyone knew they were going to the Superbowl, blah blah blah. The Chiefs started their 2nd string offensive line, 3rd string running back, all that shit. The other team started running all over the Chiefs. Their QB couldn't get a ball off accurately, the RB couldn't gain positive yards, it was a fucking disaster. At the start of the second half, the Chiefs put their 1st string offensive line in against the other team's second string D-line and STILL GOT DOMINATED. Tell me that's not something you'd like to know before the season starts?
I know you sick, self-absorbed fucks will discount my advice and shit on the pre-season but when I knew 4 weeks ago that the Chiefs can't block shit, I will fleece you like a puffy sheep for all the cash you have in your wallet. I will offer double or nothing, a spread, and points, and you will owe me your sisters. And that is frankly how I want it to be.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
