Week 2 Predictions

Yo, I'm drunk as a lemur so let's do this shit:

Sunday
San Diego Chargers at New England Patriots - Definitely THE game of the weekend. These two teams will meet again for the AFC Championship.
Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos - Look, the Raiders are fucking terrible, the Donkos are decent... this is a no-brainer.
New York Jets at Baltimore Ravens - Picking the home team. It's a tough start to the season for the East Rutherford Jets, but they'll be close to AFC contention this season.
Kansas City Chiefs at Chicago Bears - Kansas City more like Kansas Shitty. Larry Johnson is not in football shape and will underperform yet again. Start Brode Croyle, start Damon Huard, it don't matter, man. You're doomed, Herm.
Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals - The superior bird-based team comes out on top.
Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions - A fucking shock, I know. The Lions will be 2-0 for the first time since 1927.
Dallas Cowboys at Miami Dolphins - The Dolphins just don't have what it takes to compete against Romo and TO. Dallas put up 45 fucking points last week for crying out flavin'.
San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams - I don't buy this hype about the Rams doing anything.
New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Please, prove me wrong, Bucs.
Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans - Laser, rocket arm. Peyton is pretty much unstoppable.
Houston Texans at Carolina Panthers - Houston won last week, but I don't think they'll be able to contain Peppers.
Green Bay Packers at New York Giants - Crazy, I know. New starting QB Jared Lorenzen weighs in at 285 with a BMI of 35.5, making him the heaviest QB in the league. Some nicknames to get you started talking about Lorenzen for the next month or so: Quarter (got) Back; Hefty Lefty; Battleship Lorenzen; J. Load/J. Lo; Barrel; BBQ (Big, Beautiful Quarterback); Round Mound of Touchdown; and my personal favorite, Pillsbury Throwboy. You're welcome.
Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns - Browns are still terrible!
Buffalo Bills at Pittsburgh Steelers - Fuckin' Roflberger.
Atlanta Falcons at Jacksonville Jaguars - Dear Falcons, your starting QB is Joey Harrington. You could've had Schaub. Suckers.

Monday
Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles - Monday night, at home, against the Redskins. Eagles by a huge margin.