Ricky Williams was suspended for the entirety of 2006 season after his appeal to the NFL regarding his fourth violation of the substance abuse policy failed. The Dolphins said in a statement that they'd welcome Williams back for 2007. Everybody agrees that even battered wives and/or the Packers would've said "Adios, asshole" by now.
The best day in football news ever? Footlawl says: yes.
4/26/2006
OMG BRETT FAVRE OMG
Brett Favre has announced he will play for the Packers for the 2006 season. Jesus Christ, I'm laughing so hard here I might just shit my pants. He's gonna be 37 fuckin' years old this year, Green Bay! HIS HAIR IS GREY! Fuck, sign Air McNair, Kurt Warner, SIGN ANYBODY EXCEPT BRETT FAVRE YOU WENT 4-12 LAST SEASON, GUYS YOU CAN DO A LOT BETTER TRUST ME!!
Oh my God. Seriously. He threw 20 TDs last season, which isn't too bad until you realize fully half of those were thrown in October, with 4 of them in one game against Carolina. Plus there was that one against Cleveland or somebody where the final score was like 51-3. I'm pretty sure that one helped just a bit with the season total. He also managed to throw 29 INTs last season, which is abysmal for Favre. In 2001, he had 7 games where he threw none. In 2005, he had fucking two. In 2001, he had one game against Minnesota where he threw 0 TDs. In 2005, he had 6. Brett Favre didn't throw a single touchdown in December of 2005.
Attention, Green Bay: Brett Favre sucks. The only reason he did so well early in his career is because he was addicted to pain-killers. If your QB can't feel pain, of course he's gonna be able to get right back up after a sack and throw a 99-yard TD pass. I fucking hate Brett Favre. For all the talk about Barry Bonds' steroid use and how so many records in baseball will have to have asterisks next to them now, I've heard precisely dick about how Brett Favre played his early seasons stoned out of his mind. Rush Limbaugh took more flack for pain-killer use than Brett Favre has or ever will.
Fuck Brett Favre. The only credit he gets in my book is coming to play football the night after his dad died. That takes heart, which means a lot. Too bad no more relatives died the next week, 'cause the Pack fucking lost, and that's hilarious. God, fuck Brett Favre. So hard.
Oh my God. Seriously. He threw 20 TDs last season, which isn't too bad until you realize fully half of those were thrown in October, with 4 of them in one game against Carolina. Plus there was that one against Cleveland or somebody where the final score was like 51-3. I'm pretty sure that one helped just a bit with the season total. He also managed to throw 29 INTs last season, which is abysmal for Favre. In 2001, he had 7 games where he threw none. In 2005, he had fucking two. In 2001, he had one game against Minnesota where he threw 0 TDs. In 2005, he had 6. Brett Favre didn't throw a single touchdown in December of 2005.
Attention, Green Bay: Brett Favre sucks. The only reason he did so well early in his career is because he was addicted to pain-killers. If your QB can't feel pain, of course he's gonna be able to get right back up after a sack and throw a 99-yard TD pass. I fucking hate Brett Favre. For all the talk about Barry Bonds' steroid use and how so many records in baseball will have to have asterisks next to them now, I've heard precisely dick about how Brett Favre played his early seasons stoned out of his mind. Rush Limbaugh took more flack for pain-killer use than Brett Favre has or ever will.
Fuck Brett Favre. The only credit he gets in my book is coming to play football the night after his dad died. That takes heart, which means a lot. Too bad no more relatives died the next week, 'cause the Pack fucking lost, and that's hilarious. God, fuck Brett Favre. So hard.
4/18/2006
An In-Depth Look at
the Carolina Panthers.
Offense
Carolina's had a solid offense for a few years now, and with Keyshawn Johnson added to the roster, I'd say it's gonna be even harder to shut down the Panthers this season. I remember watching the Panthers-Seahawks NFC championship game and seeing Steve Smith catch 5 balls for a whopping 33 yards. At one point, and I swear to God this is true, CBS put a little yellow arrow on the screen to indicate "#89 - Steve Smith," that's how shut-down he was.
Anyway, when the one guy capable of catching a forward pass can't because he's being mobbed by opposing players and your running game consists of guys I've never heard of (Edit: I want to point out that of course I didn't forget about DeShaun Foster, but I bet you forgot he was injured when the Panthers played the Seacocks), it's no surprise your pass rating is gonna be 0.9 going into the 4th quarter. In the whole game, Delhomo threw 1 TD and 3 INTs and was sacked twice. I'd wager if you could replay that game with Keyshawn Johnson as #2 receiver, the Superbowl would've ended with the refs handing the Steelers the game anyway, but a different team would've gone home feeling robbed.
I'm not afraid to admit I've never heard of 90% of Carolina's offense. It doesn't really matter, 'cause for the past few years, the Panthers have had an intangible oneness about them. They click. They work together as a team. They are the well-oiled, smooth-running counterpart to the Bucs' rusty herky-jerk unreliable team. Plus, Jake Delhomme is, like Vito Spatafore, a real come-from-behind guy. And I mean that in the sense that he's capable of leading his team to victory from seemingly unsurmountable defecits, not in the sense that he takes cock up the ass (but he might do this, too).
At the start of last season, everybody was saying Carolina was going to the big game. Don't lie to me, fuckers; you probably said it, too. I didn't say it, though. I was too busy predicting the Jets were going to take it all last year. Though I hardly think that can count against me because really, who would've forseen the Jets completely destroying 4 goddamned QBs?
Anyway- Carolina offense: Who? Eh, doesn't matter.
Defense
Much like the offense, I've never heard of any of these guys. Sure, Julius Peppers and Mike Rucker do their jobs, but hey, double up on those guys and you've done a lot towards stopping their pass rush.
And really, like the offense, it doesn't matter that they don't have icon players because they will play solidly. Edit: I want to flesh this out, because I don't want it to seem like I'm dismissing the league's #3 overall defense. I'm not. I'm simply saying a) the defense, much like the offense, doesn't have what you might call icon players- names known beyond we football addicts for whom the preseason is like cold-turkey heroin withdrawal, and b) I doubt the NFL's third-best defense cares too much about their lack of Troy Polamalu, that's all.
To flesh my feelings on it out more would require a separate post (which I will probably write very soon), but I wanted to highlight the Bucs and the Panthers first because they seem to be the two opposite ends of the spectrum as far as teams coming together, at least as far as the NFC goes. The Bucs won't win in spite of their All-Pro defense; they don't have the intagible quality, that cohesion. The Panthers won't win, either, and that's a goddamned shame because they do have that cohesion. All I need to do to get the warm-fuzzies is think back to Delhomme's first season with the Panthers after being a nobody for the goddamned New Orleans Ain'ts when he won the Superbowl against the Patriots. Of course, their kicker promptly lost the game for them, but that's life. End edit.
Overall
Unfortunately, I don't see the Panthers getting close to the Superbowl again for a very long time. Sure, they'll be a perennial contender, and will probably be the number one headache in the NFC South for me as a Bucs fan, but that's about it. Keyshawn Johnson's gonna do a lot as far as taking the pressure off Steve Smith and will help Delhomme immensely, but he is 33 years old. Yeah, I know I dismissed that argument with the Bucs' receivers, but Keyshawn's a fucking asshole and I can see him holding out after this year for even more money. The Panthers won't pay it because Keyshawn Johnson is not the threat he once was. I mean, the whole reason the Panthers signed him was to act as a distraction so maybe Delhomme could throw the ball to Steve Smith some more.
Keyshawn will walk and get signed by some dickhole team like the Browns for one year at $30.9 million, take the money, then run.
But that's not your problem, Carolina fans. Your problem is going to be losing in the playoffs for the next 4 or 5 years. But take heart: you've got a team you shouldn't be embarrassed by, except for the fact that the logo for the Panthers always makes me think of those airbrushed wolf t-shirts.
In Summary
Keyshawn plays his final year next year in Cleavelolnd; Panthers make the playoffs every year for the next 4 or 5 or until they get rid of Delhomme, whichever comes first; Panthers logo? Kinda gay.
Offense
Carolina's had a solid offense for a few years now, and with Keyshawn Johnson added to the roster, I'd say it's gonna be even harder to shut down the Panthers this season. I remember watching the Panthers-Seahawks NFC championship game and seeing Steve Smith catch 5 balls for a whopping 33 yards. At one point, and I swear to God this is true, CBS put a little yellow arrow on the screen to indicate "#89 - Steve Smith," that's how shut-down he was.
Anyway, when the one guy capable of catching a forward pass can't because he's being mobbed by opposing players and your running game consists of guys I've never heard of (Edit: I want to point out that of course I didn't forget about DeShaun Foster, but I bet you forgot he was injured when the Panthers played the Seacocks), it's no surprise your pass rating is gonna be 0.9 going into the 4th quarter. In the whole game, Delhomo threw 1 TD and 3 INTs and was sacked twice. I'd wager if you could replay that game with Keyshawn Johnson as #2 receiver, the Superbowl would've ended with the refs handing the Steelers the game anyway, but a different team would've gone home feeling robbed.
I'm not afraid to admit I've never heard of 90% of Carolina's offense. It doesn't really matter, 'cause for the past few years, the Panthers have had an intangible oneness about them. They click. They work together as a team. They are the well-oiled, smooth-running counterpart to the Bucs' rusty herky-jerk unreliable team. Plus, Jake Delhomme is, like Vito Spatafore, a real come-from-behind guy. And I mean that in the sense that he's capable of leading his team to victory from seemingly unsurmountable defecits, not in the sense that he takes cock up the ass (but he might do this, too).
At the start of last season, everybody was saying Carolina was going to the big game. Don't lie to me, fuckers; you probably said it, too. I didn't say it, though. I was too busy predicting the Jets were going to take it all last year. Though I hardly think that can count against me because really, who would've forseen the Jets completely destroying 4 goddamned QBs?
Anyway- Carolina offense: Who? Eh, doesn't matter.
Defense
Much like the offense, I've never heard of any of these guys. Sure, Julius Peppers and Mike Rucker do their jobs, but hey, double up on those guys and you've done a lot towards stopping their pass rush.
And really, like the offense, it doesn't matter that they don't have icon players because they will play solidly. Edit: I want to flesh this out, because I don't want it to seem like I'm dismissing the league's #3 overall defense. I'm not. I'm simply saying a) the defense, much like the offense, doesn't have what you might call icon players- names known beyond we football addicts for whom the preseason is like cold-turkey heroin withdrawal, and b) I doubt the NFL's third-best defense cares too much about their lack of Troy Polamalu, that's all.
To flesh my feelings on it out more would require a separate post (which I will probably write very soon), but I wanted to highlight the Bucs and the Panthers first because they seem to be the two opposite ends of the spectrum as far as teams coming together, at least as far as the NFC goes. The Bucs won't win in spite of their All-Pro defense; they don't have the intagible quality, that cohesion. The Panthers won't win, either, and that's a goddamned shame because they do have that cohesion. All I need to do to get the warm-fuzzies is think back to Delhomme's first season with the Panthers after being a nobody for the goddamned New Orleans Ain'ts when he won the Superbowl against the Patriots. Of course, their kicker promptly lost the game for them, but that's life. End edit.
Overall
Unfortunately, I don't see the Panthers getting close to the Superbowl again for a very long time. Sure, they'll be a perennial contender, and will probably be the number one headache in the NFC South for me as a Bucs fan, but that's about it. Keyshawn Johnson's gonna do a lot as far as taking the pressure off Steve Smith and will help Delhomme immensely, but he is 33 years old. Yeah, I know I dismissed that argument with the Bucs' receivers, but Keyshawn's a fucking asshole and I can see him holding out after this year for even more money. The Panthers won't pay it because Keyshawn Johnson is not the threat he once was. I mean, the whole reason the Panthers signed him was to act as a distraction so maybe Delhomme could throw the ball to Steve Smith some more.
Keyshawn will walk and get signed by some dickhole team like the Browns for one year at $30.9 million, take the money, then run.
But that's not your problem, Carolina fans. Your problem is going to be losing in the playoffs for the next 4 or 5 years. But take heart: you've got a team you shouldn't be embarrassed by, except for the fact that the logo for the Panthers always makes me think of those airbrushed wolf t-shirts.
In Summary
Keyshawn plays his final year next year in Cleavelolnd; Panthers make the playoffs every year for the next 4 or 5 or until they get rid of Delhomme, whichever comes first; Panthers logo? Kinda gay.
4/16/2006
Donovan McNabb
As long as I'm talking football (and anybody who knows me will tell you it's next to impossible to get me to shut up once I get going) I wanna comment on something I saw at some other worthless football blog.
This blowhard was going on about how Donovan McNabb was more of a choke artist than Peyton Manning because he blew 3 consecutive AFC playoff games at home plus a Superbowl. He posited the rhetorical question "Why doesn't anybody say McNabb's a choke artist?" then answered it with "It's because he's black."
No, no, NO, NO. It's because when you manage to throw 49 touchdowns and only 10 interceptions in a season and then can't throw a single TD against the Patriots, you are rightfully labelled a choke artist. The argument against Manning is that he consistently loses to New England at home in January. He's a spoiled pretty-boy who loves his RCA Dome and can't handle the elements. Last season, the Colts were poised to unseat the '72 Dolphins, then lost to San Diego and Seattle. And then lost again to the Steelers in the RCA dome to knock themselves out of the playoffs.
McNabb's a great QB, but he's not laying waste to records like Manning. The expectations just aren't there for McNabb. Maybe it's unfair, but it's the truth. Color has nothing to do with it and frankly I can't wait until we put away this petty black quarterback/black coach horseshit.
This blowhard was going on about how Donovan McNabb was more of a choke artist than Peyton Manning because he blew 3 consecutive AFC playoff games at home plus a Superbowl. He posited the rhetorical question "Why doesn't anybody say McNabb's a choke artist?" then answered it with "It's because he's black."
No, no, NO, NO. It's because when you manage to throw 49 touchdowns and only 10 interceptions in a season and then can't throw a single TD against the Patriots, you are rightfully labelled a choke artist. The argument against Manning is that he consistently loses to New England at home in January. He's a spoiled pretty-boy who loves his RCA Dome and can't handle the elements. Last season, the Colts were poised to unseat the '72 Dolphins, then lost to San Diego and Seattle. And then lost again to the Steelers in the RCA dome to knock themselves out of the playoffs.
McNabb's a great QB, but he's not laying waste to records like Manning. The expectations just aren't there for McNabb. Maybe it's unfair, but it's the truth. Color has nothing to do with it and frankly I can't wait until we put away this petty black quarterback/black coach horseshit.
An In-Depth Look at
the Buccaneers.
Offense
Let's face facts: the Bucs have never, ever, not once in their 30 years, had a solid offense. Sure they've had good players (Vinny Testaverde and Steve Young spring immediately to mind) but haven't had the tools to complement the players who later go on to be integral parts of other teams' offenses (Vinny Testaverde and Steve Young spring immediately to mind). Mike Alstott, who scored something like 97.3% of all Tampa Bay offensive touchdowns last season, is an exception, but that's because all he needs is space in front of him where there aren't defenders and/or a pile of guys less than 10' high he can simply leap over into the end zone.
As I said in the first entry, talking about the O-line is insanely boring. I realize they're the most-shit-on players in the NFL, and that's a shame because they're the most important players, but honestly- they hug big men 20 to 30 times every Sunday afternoon and that's it. If the Buccaneers need help at the line of scrimmage, I wouldn't know about it. As long as they create some room for Cadillac to scamper through and give Simms enough time to pass the ball before getting clobbered by Ray Lewis, fuck it. Moving on.
Some other website devoted to the Bucaneers mentioned they have old recievers who maybe aren't icons like T.O. or Steve Smith, but who cares? Did you see Joey Galloway last season? Yeah he's been in the league for 12 years, but he did well enough to allow the Bucs to go 11-5 before an embarrassing loss to the Redskins. If you're talking about drafting a new receiver, you're barking up the wrong tree. The Bucs already have 12 on their roster and don't need any more. If they can't find any decent WRs out of a pool of 12, there's no hope.
Some people will probably mourn the loss of Griese at QB, but those people are Fifth Columners, devoted to the downfall of the Buccaneers. Griese is a worthless son of a bitch and if he hadn't gotten injured early last season the streets of Lutz would've been filled with fans screaming for his head, there would be talk about finding a solid QB, and the young Chris Simms would've gone another year sitting at the #2 spot in the depth chart behind some mummified former franchise QB like Steve McNair. You can take this one to the bank- Simms will continue to play solid football as long as he has receivers who can get separation and running backs named after luxury cars to hand the ball to.
Defense
Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Looking at the Buccaneers' defensive roster gives me diarrhea. They've got spectacular players like Ronde Barber, Brian Kelly, Simeon Rice, Greg Spires, Anthony McFarland, Shelton Quarles, and Derrick Brooks but those 7 guys have been playing pro football for a combined total of 69 years. That's obscene. That's also the reason the Bucs won 4 of 11 games by 3 or less points. They totalled 7 games with a 3 or less differential. You don't need star offensive players when you've got maniacs like Ronde Barber on your defense preventing the other team from doing much beyond throwing interceptions and being sacked. However, when your defense starts to get tired and cranky about missing "60 Minutes" sometime in the early 3rd quarter, it might be time to start looking at getting some new blood on the defensive side of the ball.
When the Bucs made it to the play-offs last year, I was miserable. I would've loved to have seen another Superbowl win for them, of course, but of those 7, how many would've said "Jesus, I've been playing this game for 12 years now, maybe it's time to hang it up and admire my Superbowl rings" on the morning of Feb. 6?
Overview
The Bucs' defense is the only thing that saved them from another losing season last year and is the only thing John Gruden needs to be looking at in the draft and free agency. The offense isn't spectacular, but it never has been and doesn't need to be. You know what happens when you have an amazing offense but a shitty defense? You're the 2004 Indianapolis Colts, that's what.
Offense
Let's face facts: the Bucs have never, ever, not once in their 30 years, had a solid offense. Sure they've had good players (Vinny Testaverde and Steve Young spring immediately to mind) but haven't had the tools to complement the players who later go on to be integral parts of other teams' offenses (Vinny Testaverde and Steve Young spring immediately to mind). Mike Alstott, who scored something like 97.3% of all Tampa Bay offensive touchdowns last season, is an exception, but that's because all he needs is space in front of him where there aren't defenders and/or a pile of guys less than 10' high he can simply leap over into the end zone.
As I said in the first entry, talking about the O-line is insanely boring. I realize they're the most-shit-on players in the NFL, and that's a shame because they're the most important players, but honestly- they hug big men 20 to 30 times every Sunday afternoon and that's it. If the Buccaneers need help at the line of scrimmage, I wouldn't know about it. As long as they create some room for Cadillac to scamper through and give Simms enough time to pass the ball before getting clobbered by Ray Lewis, fuck it. Moving on.
Some other website devoted to the Bucaneers mentioned they have old recievers who maybe aren't icons like T.O. or Steve Smith, but who cares? Did you see Joey Galloway last season? Yeah he's been in the league for 12 years, but he did well enough to allow the Bucs to go 11-5 before an embarrassing loss to the Redskins. If you're talking about drafting a new receiver, you're barking up the wrong tree. The Bucs already have 12 on their roster and don't need any more. If they can't find any decent WRs out of a pool of 12, there's no hope.
Some people will probably mourn the loss of Griese at QB, but those people are Fifth Columners, devoted to the downfall of the Buccaneers. Griese is a worthless son of a bitch and if he hadn't gotten injured early last season the streets of Lutz would've been filled with fans screaming for his head, there would be talk about finding a solid QB, and the young Chris Simms would've gone another year sitting at the #2 spot in the depth chart behind some mummified former franchise QB like Steve McNair. You can take this one to the bank- Simms will continue to play solid football as long as he has receivers who can get separation and running backs named after luxury cars to hand the ball to.
Defense
Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Looking at the Buccaneers' defensive roster gives me diarrhea. They've got spectacular players like Ronde Barber, Brian Kelly, Simeon Rice, Greg Spires, Anthony McFarland, Shelton Quarles, and Derrick Brooks but those 7 guys have been playing pro football for a combined total of 69 years. That's obscene. That's also the reason the Bucs won 4 of 11 games by 3 or less points. They totalled 7 games with a 3 or less differential. You don't need star offensive players when you've got maniacs like Ronde Barber on your defense preventing the other team from doing much beyond throwing interceptions and being sacked. However, when your defense starts to get tired and cranky about missing "60 Minutes" sometime in the early 3rd quarter, it might be time to start looking at getting some new blood on the defensive side of the ball.
When the Bucs made it to the play-offs last year, I was miserable. I would've loved to have seen another Superbowl win for them, of course, but of those 7, how many would've said "Jesus, I've been playing this game for 12 years now, maybe it's time to hang it up and admire my Superbowl rings" on the morning of Feb. 6?
Overview
The Bucs' defense is the only thing that saved them from another losing season last year and is the only thing John Gruden needs to be looking at in the draft and free agency. The offense isn't spectacular, but it never has been and doesn't need to be. You know what happens when you have an amazing offense but a shitty defense? You're the 2004 Indianapolis Colts, that's what.
Why "Footlawl"?
Let's clear up the reasons I'm doing this first.
1) After a brief glance around the Internets for football blogs, I found that all of them are awful. Sure, they present reasonable arguments for why the Buccaneers need to draft a WR in the first round and shore up the O-line with free agency, but that shit is boring. I realize it's the preseason and there's a real lack of news for the NFL right now, but come on- make something up if you have to.
2) Hey Rube, by Hunter S. Thompson.
3) None of the blogs I looked at had the stones to say New England sucks and Ben Roethlisberger is overrated. I know, NFL heresy, but trust me on this one, folks. The so-called Patriots dynasty was a goddamned fluke and Ben Roffleberger can't throw a pretty spiral to save his life. Sure he can heave the fucking ball 300 yards but ask him to do it accurately? Forget it. Here at Footlawl, those two points will be our mission statement, if you will. Fuck the Patriots; Ben Roflberger is overrated.
4) This is getting boring and I want to write about the Buccaneers, so I'm gonna start a new entry.
1) After a brief glance around the Internets for football blogs, I found that all of them are awful. Sure, they present reasonable arguments for why the Buccaneers need to draft a WR in the first round and shore up the O-line with free agency, but that shit is boring. I realize it's the preseason and there's a real lack of news for the NFL right now, but come on- make something up if you have to.
2) Hey Rube, by Hunter S. Thompson.
3) None of the blogs I looked at had the stones to say New England sucks and Ben Roethlisberger is overrated. I know, NFL heresy, but trust me on this one, folks. The so-called Patriots dynasty was a goddamned fluke and Ben Roffleberger can't throw a pretty spiral to save his life. Sure he can heave the fucking ball 300 yards but ask him to do it accurately? Forget it. Here at Footlawl, those two points will be our mission statement, if you will. Fuck the Patriots; Ben Roflberger is overrated.
4) This is getting boring and I want to write about the Buccaneers, so I'm gonna start a new entry.
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