Houston Texans
In a move that was a given from the end of their 2-14 season, the Texans picked Mario Williams, DE from NC State. There was no other player in the draft set to make an impact on a struggling franchise than this guy. Smart pick, Houston.
New Orleans Saints
Reggie Who?! Sheesh. This guy better make an impact.
Tennessee Titans
All right, let's get serious. Obviously everyone thought the Texans would take Reggie Bush, but they did need help on D and Williams might be the guy for the job. They just better hope he does damn well or else they'll be the butt of jokes for the rest of the franchise's existence. Of course, that assumes Reggie Bush lives up to the hype.
Speaking of hype, after the Titans literally banned Steve McNair from their training facility, it became pretty clear to anybody with his head not in his ass that the Titans were in the market for a QB. The only question was which of the two big names it would be.
Matt Leinart, who won the 2004 Heisman, probably would've been the safer choice, but after Vince Young's performance in the Rose Bowl (which I've only read about; I was in boot camp at the time) his draft stock rose dramatically. He's a flashy player- a guy who's not afraid to scramble out of the pocket at quick speeds to make yards for his team. Of course, this also means "he's a guy who doesn't mind shattering his femur running headlong into A.J. Hawk." I'll give the Titans credit for taking Young; either of the two would've been a smart choice, but Leinart will wind up winning the longevity award.
New York Jets
The draft was held at Radio City Music Hall in NYC, and the stands were packed with rabid Jets fans. When the Jets went on the clock, the place went nuts. Surely they'll draft Matt Leinart to replace
Green Bay Packers
How fucking hilarious would it have been if the Packers had drafted Leinart? No need, gentlemen! We've got Brett Fucking Favre and Aaron Rodgers! Forget the fact that a) nobody knows for sure how Rodgers will perform in the pros (except for three games he played in where he threw 9/16 for an average of 4 yards, one INT, and 3 sacks for 28 yards) and b) everybody knows for sure how Favre will perform (hint: fucking terrible)!
Perhaps I'm being too harsh. Aaron Rodgers will probably do well for the Pack, and to take another QB this year would risk a legacy like Jacksonville (new RBs every year but nobody to replace Fred Taylor, who can't run more than 12 feet without tearing 3 of 4 major knee ligaments). A.J. Hawk's a beast, and as a firm believer in defensive dominance, I gotta say he should help the Packers this year.
San Francisco 49ers
The feel-good story of the draft: A poor black kid grows up with his grandmother, focuses on football and becoming the best goddamn tight end ever. Does so. Gets drafted 6th overall in the draft. Spends his paychecks on whores and cocaine. Is arrested for possession 3 years from now.
I kid, I kid. Sort of. Anyway, Vernon Davis is big and kinda slow, but Antonio Gates was slow in his combine, so no worries. A solid choice.
Oakland Raiders
Holy shit, did you see Michael Huff's highlight tape? I sure didn't; I was in the shower. Anyway, Oakland needs D and this guy sounds like a beast. He's aggressive and makes big hits, and he's able to play corner and safety. Count on him to play safety in the NFL and look for him to have some high FF numbers in his career.
Buffalo Bills
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Detroit Lions
I remember watching Ernie Sims play for FSU and thinking, "Here's a guy who cramps up an awful lot." Of course, that's because he was playing for Bobby Bowden, whose strategy has always been "As soon as the opposing team gets any kind of momentum going, tell my defense to fake cramps to force timeouts and break the flow of the drive." You cocksucker.
Anyway, now that he's away from whatever's in the Tallahassee aquifer that causes massive cramping in the final quarters of football games, he's gonna play solid ball. A lot of people say he was a bit of a reach at #9, and that's probably true, but the Lions could've done a lot worse.
Arizona Cardinals
I don't want it to sound like I'm gay for Matt Leinart (even though I totally am), but I'm sort of surprised he dropped to #10. I figured the Titans to take either Young or Leinart, leaving the Jets the option to put out feelers for anybody willing to trade for whoever was left, but whatever. Everybody drafted positions that needed help and got more or less the right people for the job (except Buffalol) so I'm not shocked, but I am sort of left shaking my head. Nobody in 28 teams wanted to trade up? Did the phone system go down at Radio City?
Anyway, Kurt Warner hasn't done a fucking thing with his life since his second year pro in 1999 when he threw 41 TDs and just 13 INTs. He had a few years of solid numbers afterwards, but lately... well, he's sucked lately, let's just leave it at that. No reason to bring up facts like in 7 years of pro ball he's only had 2 where he's started all 16 games.
So, the Cardinals have a new stadium that looks sort of like Penn Station from the inside and who better to consecrate the new digs than Leinart? God, I can't get over how awful Kurt Warner is. Good job on the pick, Arizona.
Denver Broncos
You can talk about inconsistency in a lot of different ways, and mostly you'll be talking about guys like Jake Plummer. Jay Cutler is a good #2 guy to have in case Plummer is more "the Mistake" than "the Snake" this year.
Baltimore Ravens
If I was a running back in the NFL, you couldn't pay me enough to run towards Haloti Ngata. Homeboy is 6'4" and weighs 337 fucking pounds. Yikes.
Cleveland Browns
Kamerion Wimbley is another solid defensive player from Florida State. He can play DE or LB, and that'll be a good fit for the 3-4 they run up in Cleveland. He's got decent enough speed to rush the passer.
Philadelphia Eagles
Another defensive lineman from Florida State, Brodrick Bunkley should kick some ass. People have pointed out that he doesn't have a lot of moves to beat the linemen, but he'll learn, and when he does, he's gonna be murderous. He benched 225 pounds 40+ times, for fuck's sake.
St. Louis Rams
Tye Hill is only 5'9", which is dangerously short for a corner. I remember watching FSU at UVa last year and their #1 CB was about 5'9" and against a 6'5" receiver. UVa managed to move the ball way downfield on their first two plays on incomplete passes thanks to pass interference from the Little Cornerback That Could. Put this guy in a position to make a play on the ball before it gets to the receiver, though, and he'll be disruptive.
Miami Dolphins
Hey, another CB! Let's all welcome the newest Dolphin, Jason Allen, who didn't play at all last year. He says his hip injury isn't an issue, which it may not be. I'm a believer that no matter how good a kid is in college, he's gotta prove himself in the pros. Cadillac Williams may have been an amazing RB at Auburn, but he did fumble an awful lot in Tampa Bay. He's not an awful player by any stretch, but if he doesn't learn to hold onto the football, he'll obviously never be a marquee player.
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