Footlawl

Feck Off

2008-08-28T00:07:00.002-04:00

Right, I'm well on my way to getting drunk but I just wanted to post and prove that I've not entirely gone away. Coming soon: Football predictions and some other gay shit about fags.

Matt Jones

2008-07-11T15:16:00.001-04:00

MATT JONES

It's the Twilight Zone

2008-04-29T00:57:00.003-04:00

I've been going through the blog, adding tags to posts; tags like "Buccaneers" or "Hurricanes" or "NCAA." I've also been kicking around "hilariously wrong predictions" and "eerily accurate predictions." For the ultimate in eerily accurate, I present you Week 2 of 2007 where I correctly predicted the Patriots would play the Chargers for the conference title.

I know, right??

Draft Recap NFC West Edition

2008-04-28T17:21:00.003-04:00

Arizona Cardinals - Defense ruled the day for the Cardinals. Despite DE being lower on the needs card, they drafted fuckin' three of 'em, including absolutely massive (6'9", 282lbs.) DE Calais Campbell out of Miami. They also got the best CB in the draft, the previously-mentioned Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. By the way, memo to whoever it was on the ESPN draft team (Chris Berman, probably) who said DRC would hope for success like his namesake: "namesake" refers to something or someone you are named after. It is highly improbable that Dominique's surname was chosen based on the recent success of Antonio Cromartie. Morons. Also, WR Early Doucet will be a playmaker.

St. Louis Rams - DE Chris Long, son of Howie, went #2 this year and he will immediately fill a pressing need for the Rams on getting more pressure to the opposing quarterback. Their second pick, WR Donnie Avery may not have been ranked high, but the Greatest Show on Turf knew it was all about offensive speed.

San Francisco 49ers - Well, they did need a DE, and Kentwan Balmer was the sexy pick, but the most pressing need was WR and getting some goddamn help for Alex Tinyhands. With their early round position and WRs dropping like rocks in this draft, they could have (and should have) picked up some hands.

Seattle Seahawks - Everyone had the Seahawks picking a TE in the first, but DE was a need, too, and check the line on the guy they got: Lawrence Jackson is 6'5" and weighs 268lbs. At USC he played in the shadows of giants DE Sedrick Ellis and LB Keith Rivers yet still managed to rack up 30.5 sacks. Yikes.

2008 Mr. Irrelevant - Say hello to DB/LB David Vobora!

Draft Recap NFC South Edition

2008-04-28T16:53:00.003-04:00

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - A+ all around. Well, okay, maybe not so much. The Buccaneers had two big needs: WR and CB. Joey Galloway is about 107 years old and while he's still fast, he's the only deep-ball threat on the team. Well, in the sense that he will catch passes thrown long on the field. Jeff Garcia is a deep-ball threat of a different stripe. Anyway, John Gruden wanted a speedy WR but General Manager Bruce Allen overruled Gruden and the Bucs drafted CB Aqib Talib. CB Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie was off the board and Talib was probably the best available. But why not get a wideout? Well, Brian Kelly is gone and Ronde Barber turned 33 earlier this month. The Buccaneers know that championships are built on strong defenses and stuck with that philosophy. Although, in a weird draft day twist, former Super Bowl MVP Dexter Jackson left the Bengals and apparently went back to play college ball because he was drafted to play for the Bucs again on Saturday. He did pretty well in a certain game where his team, Appalachian State, played at a certain Big House. Oh, and another fucking QB for Gruden to molest.

Atlanta Falcons - Their situation provided an easy litmus test for any team owners or GMs looking to hire new head coaches. Would you, as part of the '08 Atlanta Falcons draft team, have chosen Glenn Dorsey over QB Matt Ryan? You would? Well there's the door, sir, have a good day. Of course, time will eventually tell if Matt Ryan pans out as a Peyton Manning or a Ryan Leaf, but sweet feathery Jesus, if you can't see the need for the Falcons to draft a quarterback early, you have no business being around footballs.

Carolina Panthers - Risky maneuvers on the part of the Panthers. They grabbed RB Jonathan Stewart and the sacrificed next year's first-round pick to get OT Jeff Otah. The man is a giant, yes, and he'll do what he can to protect the QB, but the Panthers didn't get a QB and who knows if Jake Delhomme is going to work this year.

New Orleans Saints - Overall '07 defense: 26th. Pass defense in '07: 30th. Draft picks: DT, CB, DT, OT, K. A limited number of picks and they addressed defense, so there's a chance at contention again like they had in '06.

Draft Recap NFC North Edition

2008-04-28T16:29:00.004-04:00

Chicago Bears - Twelve players chosen and not one of them throws a football.

Detroit Lions - Their first pick, OT Gosder Cherilus, did fill a need, but it was a reach. In addition to some much-needed help on defense, they drafted local (local to me, at least) hero RB Kevin Smith, who was just 61 yards shy of breaking Barry Sanders' single-season record. Good for Smith.

Green Bay Packers - No first round, but the Pack did all right. In a move sure to continue the old NFC Central rivalry against the Buccaneers, the Packers chose WR Jordy Nelson, who caused problems for CB Aqib Talib (the Bucs' first pick) in college. They also picked up QB Brian Brohm in case Aaron Rodgers doesn't work out.

Minnesota Vikings - The Vikings carved out large chunks of their draft this year to go after DE Jared Allen who led the league in sacks last year. The Vikings had the worst pass defense in '07, but Allen and second-round pick FS Tyrell Johnson will certainly improve that number. This was not a draft for QBs and WRs, as QB John David Booty got picked by Minnesota in the fifth. Wake up call for Mr. Tavaris Jackson.

Draft Recap NFC East Edition

2008-04-28T15:52:00.003-04:00

Dallas Cowboys - HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS!? Second-best draft after KC in my opinion. Could've been the best draft, honestly. KC is a team rebuilding and were fortunate to have so many draft picks that they could maneuver effectively and pick well. The Cowboys went 13-3 in '07 and had two first round picks plus four more, yet they addressed their needs and got exciting players with half as many picks as Kansas City. Stunningly, RB Felix Jones was still around at 22 in the first round, and Jerry Jones, a former Razorback, snapped up Felix Jones, a former Razorback. He's gonna be a great partner to Marion Barber in the backfield, which makes me wonder why on Earth they drafted RB Tashard Choice in the fourth. The only black mark on an otherwise near-perfect draft.

New York Giants - I've never mentioned this on Footlawl before, but I've got a couple of tattoos. Nothing big or elaborate, but important to me nonetheless. After the Super Bowl this year, I went out and got two more. The first one is on my dick and it's a picture of me sucking Eli Manning's dick. The second one covers both of my ass cheeks right above my asshole and reads "Reserved Parking: Eli Manning Only." You see, the Giants gave me the single greatest sensation of pure ecstatic joy by crushing the Patriots and making 18-1 the sweetest record ever recorded in the NFL. I figure it's only fair to indicate to Eli that at any time he wants, my supple moist lips are available to service his MVP dong and my quivering virgin balloon knot is his and his alone. In April, they chose not to end a streak, and drafted S Kenny Phillips out of Miami, making 14 straight years in which a player from the U has gone in the first round. Handjobs all around for the Giants' front office!

Philadelphia Eagles - Wow, that was pretty terrible, let us never speak of handjobs for Tom Coughlin again. What is there to say about the Eagles' draft? They traded out of the first but took Carolina's first round for '09. They pick up a beast of a DT in Trevor Laws (6'1", 304lbs.) and zippy little WR DeSean Jackson (6'0", 169lbs.). He's a little guy, but he may be the fastest player in the draft.

Washington Redskins - They traded their first round pick to Atlanta and got low second- and third-round picks in exchange which they used to go WR, TE, WR which gave new coach Jim Zorn some weapons to play with on offense. They didn't address the D-line, however, so let's hope sixth-round pick P Durant Brooks can get off his blocks and after the QB. Oh wait he won't because he's a punter taken in the sixth-round. I don't have any proof, but I'd bet $5 Daniel Snyder was behind that move. Man, it must be nice being a Raiders or Lions or Redskins fan. I mean, not that nice because all of those teams suck, but they are able to pin the blame on just one person. How cool is that? FIRE MILLEN is so much more severe than FIRE FISHER, HIRE AN OFFENSIEVE COORDINATOR FROM THE PAC-10 AND SHUFFLE THE FRONT OFFICE A BIT.

Draft Recap AFC South Edition

2008-04-28T15:37:00.003-04:00

Denver Broncos - The first two picks, OT Ryan Clady and WR Eddie Royal, will help Jay Cutler and the rest of the offense, but sweet Jesus your run D was #30 last year and you're gonna rely on Dewayne Robertson is going to fix that? They didn't look at DTs until the fifth round.

Kansas City Chiefs - The Chiefs entered the draft room Saturday with 97 picks, which they used quite effectively, either to move around the draft board or to pick knock-out players like DT Glenn Dorsey. It really surprised me that Dorsey fell to #5, and the fact that I think somebody can fall to #5 tells you a lot about how I feel about this kid. He's an absolute beast out of the SEC with a motor that does not stop. Sure he'll probably destroy his knees over the course of about 6 years and fade into obscurity, but he'll destroy a shitload of other players' knees during that time. OT Brandon Albert, also taken in the first, was, like Miami's Jake Long, the beginnings of a rebuilt offensive line.

Oakland Raiders - Before the draft on Saturday, I checked Yahoo! News and saw a teaser headline: "Which team does nobody want to play for?" My immediate thought: I'd rather die than play for Oakland. Well, sure as shit whoever wrote that article felt the same way. So did DE Chris Long, DE Vernon Gholston, DT Glenn Dorsey, QB Matt Ryan, and RB Darren McFadden. Sadly for McFadden, he got the stort stick and is now stuck on the worst team in the NFL. Good luck with 70+ touches a game, champ. While the Raiders were on the clock, someone asked me why nobody wanted to play for the Raiders. Simple answer: Mismanagement. After they picked McFadden at #4, the Raiders were done for Saturday and even got to sleep in on Sunday because they didn't have another pick until #100 in the fourth. One thing is certain: If McFadden does not have the immediate kind of impact that All-Day Purple Jesus Adrian Peterson had in Minnesota, this draft was a complete waste.

San Diego Chargers - Ugh, I've still got a bad taste in my mouth thinking about Oakland. Good news though, and that's San Diego having a solid draft. CB Antoine Cason was a reach based on some boards, but the Chargers knew what they wanted and got it. They then picked FB Jacob Hester and RB Marcus Thomas as relief backs for LdT.

Draft Recap AFC South Edition

2008-04-28T15:22:00.003-04:00

Jacksonville Jaguars - Something must have spooked the Jags, 'cause they traded right the fuck up to #8 in the first round to snag DE Derrick Harvey and then moved up again to get DE Quentin Groves. They also needed DTs but I suppose they'll count on the ends to cut off the corners and the LBs to stuff the run. Hell, this whole division suffers from Peyton Manning syndrome: the idea that in order to win you have to be able to put Manning on his back. This is the same idea that led to the Texans, who desperately needed an RB last year, to draft Mario Williams instead.

Houston Texans - As mentioned, the Texans badly needed an RB last year and didn't get the home-run back everyone thought they would, so this year they addressed that concern and drafted OT Duane Brown. Wait, what? Okay, so they got Steve Slaton in the third round but he's not one of the top 10 RBs this year. They did have needs at CB and OT, though, but didn't cover DE.

Indianapolis Colts - Not a sexy first pick (in the 2nd, they had none in the first round) but C Mike Pollak will eventually take over for Jeff Saturday. LB Philip Wheeler will work in the Tampa 2 defense nicely. Stupidly, the two biggest need positions (DE and DT) weren't addressed.

Tennessee Titans - What the hell was Jeff Fisher thinking? Vince Young needs outside help from WRs and he doesn't pick one until 125 other guys have already gone? I suppose RB Chris Johnson might help with play-action, but still... who the hell's gonna catch the ball?

Draft Recap AFC North Edition

2008-04-28T15:07:00.004-04:00

Baltimore Ravens - Well, the Ravens finally gave up on Kyle Boller and drafted a QB. Matt Ryan wasn't available but they did get Joe Flacco who a lot of people think is a better QB anyway. He may not be as NFL-ready as Ryan, but he's got a cannon for an arm. Their need card shows CB and DE as two unaddressed positions.

Cincinnati Bengals - So... let's see here. Last year, your defense was ranked 27th and your offense was a respectable #10. First, you draft LB Keith Rivers and that's cool, but then 3 of the next 4 picks are offensive players? Really? The first two offensive picks were both WRs, so I guess they're preparing for Chad Johnson to sit out this year. Shame, Johnson always seemed like a good guy despite his showboating.

Cleveland Browns - Suck. Last year they shipped their '08 first-round pick to Dallas for QB Brady Quinn, who is now a huge #2 on the depth chart to Derek Anderson. The Browns had no picks until Sunday and addressed their needs at linebacker, but did not take a corner, their #1 need, or an RB, #2. Whoops.

Pittsburgh Steelers - If Willie Parker goes down again this year, their first pick, RB Rashard Mendenhall, should be able to step up easily. The Steelers also benefitted from a dearth of first-round WR picks and snagged Limas Sweed, one of several WRs with first-round grades. They also picked up QB Dennis Dixon, who was in the Heisman chase last year until his knee exploded. They needed a G to replace Alan Faneca and I don't think OT Tony Hills is gonna fit.

Draft Recap AFC East Edition

2008-04-28T14:23:00.004-04:00

Miami Dolphins - We knew by Tuesday who the Dolphins were going to pick #1 overall, so no real surprise there. The Dolphins are a mess, obviously. You don't need me to tell you that; they barely escaped 0-16 last year. Fortunately for them they had enough picks this year to sort of work on rebuilding. Unfortunately, their needs card included corners and linebackers and they drafted exactly zero of them. DE Phillip Morgan and DT Kendall Langford were the only defensive players of note, but who knows? Maybe DE Lionel Dotson (245 overall) will shock the world. I guess Bill Parcells believes the first step to rebuild is offense, and a guy like Jake Long at left tackle is not a bad thing, but personally I'd rather have a better defense first.

Buffalo Bills - Their needs card had corner and wide receiver at the top, and they picked CB Leodis McKelvin and WR James Hardy early to fill those spots. Hardy's a big fucker at 6'5", 217lbs. which should help take away pressure from Lee Evans, something the Bills desperately needed. If there's another team in the league more in need of a second receiver to relieve pressure on the #1 guy, it'd have to be the Panthers. It was painfully obvious last year that when you can shut down their receiver, there will be no wins.

New England Patriots - I was glad to see them drop in the first round, even if it was only from 7 to 10. The goddamn Patriots have always drafted smart under Bill Bellichick, and this year was no exception. Their linebacker corps' age is measured via carbon dating and their secondary took a hit during free agency, and the Patriots addressed those needs: LB, CB, OLB, QB, CB, WR, and OLB. People are going to tell you that picking LB Jerod Mayo 10th was a reach, but even people living in mud huts who have never heard of the NFL know this: The goddamn Patriots have always drafted smart under Bellichick.

New York Jets - Boy, ESPN sure loves to roll that clip of draft blunders, don't they? That never gets old, no sir. Bunch of fuckin' hacks up in Bristol, lemme tell ya. Anyway, the fans at Radio City didn't boo Vernon Gholston, which is no surprise because the man is a beast and should make the Jets happy. They also picked up the best tight end in the draft with Dustin Keller, and QB Erik Ainge probably heralds the end of Chad Pennington if Kellen Clemens works out.

The NFL draft

2008-04-27T20:35:00.003-04:00

I only watched the first round of the draft yesterday and absolutely none of it today. It was a real snooze-fest, honestly. The 10-minute window for teams to make their choices sped it up to be sure, but there was less time for highlights. It's great that Chris Berman can tell me about Derrick Harvey, but I'd much rather see him track down a QB for the sack. I know little of Aqib Talib except he likes to smoke pot.

And holy shit, just checking the Bucs' draft board for today and see that not only did Geno Hayes drop to the 6th round, but the Bucs snagged him. That makes me happy.

More analysis to come tomorrow.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-02-03T22:30:00.001-05:00

FUCK NEW ENGLAND BABY GIANTS FAN 4 LYFE

A reminder

2007-12-30T00:49:00.000-05:00

Jerry Rice did it in a 12-game season.
16-0 isn't a perfect season; the only number that matters is 19-0.
I really don't want to hear about it.

Fuck

2007-12-30T00:47:00.000-05:00

FUCK

Week 16 predictions

2007-12-20T15:05:00.000-05:00

It's not all bleak though, is it? Let's make some fucking predictions.

Thursday
Pittsburgh Steelers at St. Louis Rams - The Rams will be looking to play spoiler, but they're not nearly good enough.

Saturday
Dallas Cowboys at Carolina Panthers - Not even Jessica Simpson's presence could fuck this up. The Panthers are struggling thanks to injuries.

Sunday
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at San Francisco 49ers - Sports radio was talking about how going to San Francisco fucks up an East Coast team. Possible explanations were jetlag, dehydration, and black magic. Either way, the Bucs just clinched their division and are playing shit hot right now.

New York Jets at Tennessee Titans - Who would've thought that the AFC South would be the closest division at this point in the season? With the AFC pretty much wrapped up, the Titans are one of the few teams in the conference left alive in the struggle for the playoffs. If Vince Young doesn't fuck this up too bad, they'll win.

Baltimore Ravens at Seattle Seahawks - Baltimore's streak goes to 0-9.

Atlanta Falcons at Arizona Cardinals - What the Christ, Bobby Petrino?

Washington Redskins at Minnesota Vikings - Both teams would really like a stab at the playoffs, but the Vikes are home and Purple Jesus is vertical again.

Philadelphia Eagles at New Orleans Saints - The Saints are in trouble.

Oakland Raiders at Jacksonville Jaguars - The Jaguars have been playing lights-out lately. They're gonna want to lock up a playoff spot and beating up on Oakland should definitely help.

New York Giants at Buffalo Bills - The Giants need a win here, but Eli is sort of inconsistent. Y'know, in case you hadn't noticed.

Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots - Please? Let's face it, the '72 Dolphins being in Miami for the first win of the season doesn't mean shit. This is a Christmas miracle early.

Kansas City Chiefs at Detroit Lions - Another cripple fight for draft order. I'm just going with the home team here.

Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts - Yeop. Even with this loss, the Texans might still finish 8-8. I can't believe that's true.

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears - SUPER BOWL LOSER CURSE

Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals - Sorry, the Browns.

Monday
Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers - I like the Chargers personally, so let's say they win.

On not updating.

2007-12-20T14:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I'd set myself some lofty goals this season to be sure. Is it possible for one man to update a football blog at least one day a week with picks and maybe a few interesting news items? For me, apparently not. Hell, what's the point anymore? The Patriots just keep on keepin' on. This is the blackest of football seasons for me. I hate the Patriots. I hate smug Beantown fucks. I hate hate hate the idea of New England going 19-0 this year. Sweet bleeding Jesus is it really down to the Dolphins and the Giants?

And it's the fucking bandwagon fans that kill me. The fucking stuck-up bitch at the bar who wouldn't serve me because my driver's license had expired? Wearing a Patriots hat. The chillax stoner server who later that same night brought pitcher after pitcher, shot after shot and thus earned himself a $10 tip on a $20 tab? Not wearing any sports team hat, but probably a fan of the Hurricanes. You do the math.

A friend of mine who's a Dolphins fan said he doesn't care that much about protecting the '72 Dolphins' record. I told him I couldn't care less about the '72 Dolphins. I just don't want the Patriots up there, too. Shit, let's have 31 teams up there. The Pats stay down. Fuck 'em. Forever.

Buccaneers fans, Browns fans, Indians fans, Phillies fans, and (I almost hate to say it) die-hard BoSox fans should be forming lynch mobs, patrolling the sports bars and living rooms for suspiciously new Patriots jerseys and hats. You don't get to root for a team just because a) they're winning now and b) you once had a 12-hour layover at Logan and your cousin's step-brother married a girl from Providence.

The best thing to come out of Boston was The Departed, and some of that was filmed in Brooklyn, so rim me, Beantown.

A final note: Any player who takes out Tom Brady for the season will get a $25 gift certificate to Applebee's, courtesy of Footlawl.

Week 7 Predictions

2007-10-21T00:50:00.000-04:00

Sunday
Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos
St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks
Chicago Bears at Philadelphia Eagles
New York Jets at Cincinnati Bengals
Kansas City Chiefs at Oakland Raiders
Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Detroit Lions
San Francisco 49ers at New York Giants
New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins
Minnesota Vikings at Dallas Cowboys
Baltimore Ravens at Buffalo Bills
Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints - Cripple fight home-team special.
Arizona Cardinals at Washington Redskins

Monday
Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars - The Colts always have trouble with the Jags for some reason.

Week 6 Predictions

2007-10-14T02:07:00.000-04:00

Sunday
New Orleans Saints at Seattle Seahawks
Oakland Raiders at San Diego Chargers
New England Patriots at Dallas Cowboys - Please?
Carolina Panthers at Arizona Cardinals
Washington Redskins at Green Bay Packers
Tennessee Titans at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
St. Louis Rams at Baltimore Ravens
Philadelphia Eagles at New York Jets
Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears
Miami Dolphins at Cleveland Browns
Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars
Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs - LJ might actually break out against a team with as few healthly linebackers as the Bengals.

Monday
New York Giants at Atlanta Falcons

Week 4 Predictions

2007-09-30T20:22:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah, it's 8:30 on Sunday, how can he possibly make predictions? Look, I've been at work all day so the only things I know about this week are 1) The Miami game was delayed by rain; 2) The Buccaneers won, but I would've picked them to win anyway.

Sunday
Pittsburgh Steelers at Arizona Cardinals
Kansas City Chiefs at San Diego Chargers
Denver Broncos at Indianapolis Colts - The Colts and the Patriots are far and away the two toughest teams to beat in the NFL right now.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers
Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers
St. Louis Rams at Dallas Cowboys - Romo is doin' thangs.
Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins - Will Daunte Culpepper leave Miami thinking they let him go too soon? Or will he again mourn the loss of Randy Moss?
New York Jets at Buffalo Bills
Houston Texans at Atlanta Falcons
Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings - I'd really liked to have seen this, the game in which Dan Marino's career TD record gets broken.
Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns
Philadelphia Eagles at New York Giants

Monday
New England Patriots at Cincinnati Bengals - Not a good week for home teams if I'm right on these.

Weeks 2 and 3 Recaps

2007-09-25T01:58:00.000-04:00

Didn't get a chance to fire one of these off last week, so let's consolidate. Week 2 left me 9-7 for the week and 20-12 on the season. Week 3 I went 8-7 for 28-19 overall. Fan-fuckin'-tastic.

Week 3 Predictions

2007-09-22T23:24:00.001-04:00

So this is my dedication to you, the faceless readers: Here I am in a Mariott in Hotlanta, kinda buzzed after an open-bar wedding reception. I'm in the lobby with a mini bottle of white Merlot from Sutter Home, as Saving Private Ryan plays on TBS on the big TV about 40 feet to my right. I've got to be awake in 5 hours to drive back to Orlando to get in in time for my shift at work, but such is my dedication, faceless readers, that I went to the lobby (away from my drunk girlfriend) to update with my picks. I fucking hate you, faceless readers.

Sunday
Dallas Cowboys at Chicago Bears - The Bears will still allow huge points.
New York Giants at Washington Redskins - The Giants will still allow huge points.
Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons - I saw people checking in to the hotel with Peppers jerseys in tow. Leftwich is set with the Falcons but I don't know if he'll play. Either way, it won't make a fucking bit of difference.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Denver Broncos - Jville is gonna be good this year but I dunno if they can handle the Donkos a mile above sea level.
Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders - Sweet Jesus what a stinker of a matchup.
Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks - Home team.
St. Louis Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - All aboard the busted-ass broke down Jeff Garcia bandwagon!
San Francisco 49ers at Pittsburgh Steelers - Upset special. The Steelers aren't as good as everybody wants them to be. Fucking bank on this. I promise you.
San Diego Chargers at Green Bay Packers - :favreduck:
Minnesota Vikings at Kansas City Chiefs - I don't want to upset my current girlfriend by picking my ex-girlfriend's team over her team.
Miami Dolphins at New York Jets - One of the best rivalries in the NFL comes to this.
Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans - The Texans' D is expected to do well because they have so far. The Colts lost the last time they played Houston at home, but I really think Indy is gonna blow Houston away.
Detroit Lions at Philadelphia Eagles - Westbrook carries the team to victory.
Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots - The New England Patriots: Cheating Our Way to Victory Since 2001.
Arizona Cardinals at Baltimore Ravens - Whatever. Bird-based teams don't interest me.

Monday
Tennessee Titans at New Orleans Saints - They'll be pissed after losing to the Bucs and the Titans aren't that hot. Plus they'll be in the Superdome, where the ghosts of all the disenfranchised blacks displaced by Katrina will haunt the visiting team with visions of pooing on each other and rapes and murders.

15SEP07 - Where Were You?

2007-09-17T02:23:00.000-04:00

So apparently Blogger is run by fucking homos so I can't embed a movie directly. Having said, that, you best peep this shit. It's videos and pictures from UCF's inaugural home game against the Texas Donghorns.

College Companion

2007-09-12T02:50:00.000-04:00

Continuing my determination to look at college football on a writing basis, we'll turn our attention to Week 3.

Thursday brings us #4 West Virginia visiting Maryland. I'd reckon WV beats the hell out of the Terps. Also, TCU plays at Air Force. Who cares.

Friday brings an 8:00 PM matchup between Oklahoma State @ Troy. I guess Troy will win 'cause they're the home team? I don't know. As I said, 119 teams is a lot to keep track of. I like it better when ranked teams play unranked teams (and then Div I-AA teams beat #5 teams).

So, on to Saturday. Fuck all the noon kickoffs. The 1:00 PM kickoffs suck, too, unless you've got a hardon for #20 Clemson against Furman. Wasn't he the racist cop that planted evidence to frame OJ? Anyway, there's fuck all on TV until 3:30 PM so you can sleep in Saturday. Just make sure you're awake for #22 Tennessee's trip to #5 Florida. Football Jesus AKA Tim Tebow will have his first real test Saturday. Me, I'll be walking about a mile to the new UCF stadium to see the Knights take on the 'Horns in the opening game at Brighthouse Stadium. After a quarter or so of play, when the Longhorns are up 31-3, I'll probably walk home and catch the rest of the Tenn. - UF game. Also at 3:30, Notre Dame visits Michigan. It'd be great if it were possible for both teams to wind up 0-3 but someone's got to win so I hope it's Michigan because fuck the Irish. Right up the ass.

So at 8:00 PM, #1 USC visits #14 Nebraska. It's on ABC, so this'll be my first chance to see USC in action this year. Frankly, I don't buy it. When USC is made to play LSU or VA Tech, I'll respect them. Until then, keep beating up on San Jose state, you fucking Left Coast queers. Hopefully Nebraska will husk your corn, whatever that means. Also, #21 Boston College visits #15 Georgia Tech, which is one of the only games where two ranked opponents play each other this week. I'll take the rambling wrecks from Georgia Tech.

9:30 brings #24 Hawaii to UNLV, where Colt Brennan will throw for 8,000 yards and 40 TDs and people will still talk about him deserving a Heisman despite the fact that any jackoff could throw for those kinds of numbers in the WAC.

10:00 PM gives FSU a chance to visit the Colorado Holed-up-in-a-cave-in-a-Mountainmen. Fuck the 'Noles. End transmission.

Week 2 Predictions

2007-09-12T02:26:00.000-04:00

Yo, I'm drunk as a lemur so let's do this shit:

Sunday
San Diego Chargers at New England Patriots - Definitely THE game of the weekend. These two teams will meet again for the AFC Championship.
Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos - Look, the Raiders are fucking terrible, the Donkos are decent... this is a no-brainer.
New York Jets at Baltimore Ravens - Picking the home team. It's a tough start to the season for the East Rutherford Jets, but they'll be close to AFC contention this season.
Kansas City Chiefs at Chicago Bears - Kansas City more like Kansas Shitty. Larry Johnson is not in football shape and will underperform yet again. Start Brode Croyle, start Damon Huard, it don't matter, man. You're doomed, Herm.
Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals - The superior bird-based team comes out on top.
Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions - A fucking shock, I know. The Lions will be 2-0 for the first time since 1927.
Dallas Cowboys at Miami Dolphins - The Dolphins just don't have what it takes to compete against Romo and TO. Dallas put up 45 fucking points last week for crying out flavin'.
San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams - I don't buy this hype about the Rams doing anything.
New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Please, prove me wrong, Bucs.
Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans - Laser, rocket arm. Peyton is pretty much unstoppable.
Houston Texans at Carolina Panthers - Houston won last week, but I don't think they'll be able to contain Peppers.
Green Bay Packers at New York Giants - Crazy, I know. New starting QB Jared Lorenzen weighs in at 285 with a BMI of 35.5, making him the heaviest QB in the league. Some nicknames to get you started talking about Lorenzen for the next month or so: Quarter (got) Back; Hefty Lefty; Battleship Lorenzen; J. Load/J. Lo; Barrel; BBQ (Big, Beautiful Quarterback); Round Mound of Touchdown; and my personal favorite, Pillsbury Throwboy. You're welcome.
Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns - Browns are still terrible!
Buffalo Bills at Pittsburgh Steelers - Fuckin' Roflberger.
Atlanta Falcons at Jacksonville Jaguars - Dear Falcons, your starting QB is Joey Harrington. You could've had Schaub. Suckers.

Monday
Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles - Monday night, at home, against the Redskins. Eagles by a huge margin.

Week 1 Recap

2007-09-12T02:17:00.000-04:00

11-5 last week, 11-5 on the season.

I'm surprised by: Houston, Brett Favre, Eli Manning.
I'm not surprised by: Peyton Manning.

Brett Favre played with a hell of a lot of heart and intensity Sunday, as he always has. Trademark shovel passes as he's being sacked without resorting to GUNSLINGIN' means a nice win for the Packers. Truthfully, I like Favre and would like to see him go out on a 10-6 season. Along the way he will break the NFL records for career TDs and INTs. Bank on it.

Eli looks like he might be coming into his own, pulling his head out and playing ball. We should see some great performances from him in the coming weeks. Oh wait, his shoulder got separated. Shit.

Houston. Matt Schaub finally gets a chance at starting and does pretty fuckin' well. Granted, it was against Kansas City, but still. These guys might go 9-7 and be a quasi AFC South contender for 3rd place.

College Collage

2007-09-04T13:45:00.001-04:00

Why not? Let's take a look at some NCAA highlights for the upcoming week. I'm just sitting here eating leftover stir-fry, you're sitting here reading this, admit it: we've both got nothing better to do.

The early-week games look pretty one-sided. #10 Louisville's gonna piss all over Middle Tennessee State on Thursday and #16 Rutgers shouldn't (sadly) have too much trouble handling Navy on Friday. Thursday does give us Oregon State @ Cincinnati, though. Last year, both teams were fairly entertaining to watch as early-week contenders, so there's that. Of course, here's to hoping for a MTS rout of Louisville. Every week should have an Appalaichan State @ Michigan game.

Obviously the real meat-and-taters is Saturday. I'll have to set my alarm clock to make sure I'm awake by 11 AM for the first game of the day. Honestly, who scheduled these games this year, the schools or the TV networks? Can we perhaps return to sanity next year? Miami has their second noon kickoff at #8 Oklahoma. Of course I pick the 'Canes because of blind homerism.

Personally I don't give a shit about any other games until 5PM, when UAB will (hopefully) begin to kick the shit out of the 'Noles. At 6, the Gators take on Troy, which will be broadcast nationally exactly nowhere. However, Notre Dame visits #17 Penn State where they will (hopefully) lose again so that my two most-hated NCAA teams are 0-2 to start. Then at 7, #22 TCU visits #4 Texas. The only reason I give a shit is some arrogant TCU cocksucker telling everyone that they'd be #1 by the end of the season and we'd all be legally bound to worship at the shrine of some dumbass nobody's ever heard of who is also TCU's starting whatever. I really want Texas to royally fuck TCU up for that, and then on the last play, for TCU to somehow injure every starting Longhorn so they're nice and soft for UCF on the 15th.

Anyway, the big game is at 9:15: #9 VA Tech @ #2 LSU. Should be a fucking awesome game.

Week 1 predictions

2007-09-04T13:21:00.000-04:00

Regular season football is finally fucking here. Let's get this show on the road:

Thursday
New Orleans at Indianapolis - This is probably what the Superbowl should've been. As good as the Saints were last year (and will be this year), good AFC teams beat good NFC teams.

Sunday
Atlanta at Minnesota - Neither of these teams are very good, although the Vikes could have an offense decent enough to wine a few games.
Carolina at St. Louis - Home team.
Denver at Buffalo - Buffalo's not quite there. The Donkos are hoping they have everything in place to go to the Super Bowl now that The Snake is gone.
Kansas City at Houston - If Matt Schaubb can stay upright.
Miami at Washington - The Redskins aren't being hailed as championship contenders this year, which might mean they actually are somehow?
New England at N.Y. Jets - As much as I hate it, it's really tough to pick against the Patriots.
Philadelphia at Green Bay - Brett Favre should just stick to being a fantasy football QB.
Pittsburgh at Cleveland - The Steelers aren't that good anymore, Roethlisberger is overrated, the bandwagon is no longer a fun place to be, and this will be the year all of these crushing realizations come down on Steelers fans... but they're still better than the Browns.
Tennessee at Jacksonville - The Jaguars will probably be a little disorganised after Leftwich's release.
Chicago at San Diego - Huge blowout potential here.
Detroit at Oakland - Cripple fight!
Tampa Bay at Seattle - Prove me wrong, Bucs.
N.Y. Giants at Dallas - This game should give a good indication of whether or not Romo is for real and if Eli can finally get his fucking head in the game and play for 60 minutes.

Monday
Baltimore at Cincinnati - The Ravens' D is getting old. They're still gonna be a solid unit this year, but they're away, so why not?
Arizona at San Francisco - The '49ers are a far superior team. Also, I'd like more Monday Night Football double-headers. It's pretty exciting, actually. When football is still on at midnight, I feel like I'm living on the West Coast.

Preseason Week 4 recap

2007-09-04T13:20:00.000-04:00

Who gives a shit.

It is SO on.

2007-09-04T13:15:00.000-04:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-bTAnm95hPQ
Well, whaddya know, FSU did collapse against Clemson. They looked like the same loveable bunch of shitty football players I remember from last year. I'm honestly surprised Coach Foghorn Leghorn didn't follow last year's strategy of starting Xavier Lee in the 2nd half, although Drew Weatherford did do pretty well in trying to orchestrate a comeback drive. So, there's that.

Terrible Secrets of Space

2007-09-02T03:51:00.000-04:00

1) David Garrard is the starting QB for the Jags. I can't imagine anybody ever trusting anything Jack of the Rio says again.
2) Unless #19 FSU collapses against Clemson on Monday, #5 Michigan is one of two top 25 teams to enter week 2 0-1. The other is, of course, Tennessee, which is what you get for not scheduling a rent-a-win.

At this point, Michigan does not deserve to be in the top 25 for the rest of the year. It's one thing for the Florida Gators to lose to #11 Auburn and still go to the championship game. It's quite another for the 5th best team in the country to lose to a Div-IAA team, even if they are back-to-back defending national champions of Div-IAA football. Michigan fans: your whole team got caught looking forward during WEEK 1 for fuck's sake. How does that even happen?

Next two opponents for Michigan: Oregon, Notre Dame
Next two opponents for Appalachian State: Lenoir Rhyne, N. Arizona

Ladies and gentlement, the prosecution rests. Strike Michigan from the top 25, install Miami. Trust me on this. Miami will finish the season in the top 25 100% guaranteed. Top 10? Not unheard of. Mark it.

College Footlawl

2007-08-30T16:34:00.001-04:00

Today marks the start of football games that actually mean something as college football (FINALLY!) begins. I generally shy away from paying too much attention to college football since I have enough trouble keeping up with the 32 NFL teams so the 1,000,000,000 or so NCAA teams out there are a bit much. It seems like new schools are being founded each year just so the top 10 teams have a few cupcake whipping posts to start the year 2-0. But hey, that didn't stop UCF from losing to made-up-sounding East Carolina last year.

Some highlights tonight include Miami, Ohio playing hilariously-named Ball State; Southeast Missouri State visiting the Cincinnati Bearcats, my absolute favorite mascot name. I guess Tulsa gets a mention, since they're the Golden Hurricane and I can't possibly fathom how they ever thought hurricanes = Oklahoma. If you've got a black-and-white monitor or are a dog, you'll delight in watching Weber State play on Boise State's awful blue carpet on ESPN360. Oh, and #2 LSU takes on #85 Mississippi State tonight, which is what I'll be watching because who doesn't love SEC powerhouses beating the shit out of shithole programs? Of course, the first national broadcast is Tulsa at Louisiana-Monroe on ESPN2, but the thing is who cares?

And hey, since I'm basically shouting in an empty room and like the sound of my own voice, let's blather on about more upcoming exciting games!

Friday has just two games: Navy @ Temple (7:30, ESPNU) and Washington @ Syracuse (8:00, ESPN). Fun fact: Navy had the #1 rushing offense in the country last season. True story. 19 guys rushed at least once for a grand total of 3,929 yards. Total pass yards for Navy? 728.

Saturday's schedule threatens to overwhelm my scrollwheel. Let's take a look at who some top-ranked teams are taking on in week 1: #5 Michigan faces Appalachian State; #9 Virginia Tech faces aforementioned East Carolina; #11 Ohio State faces Youngstown State. Only #15 Tennessee looks to face any real competition in week 1, going against #12 California.

Sunday only gives us one game, and it's only on Sunday because it starts at 5 minutes past fucking midnight and won't be nationally broadcast anywhere. Northern Colorado flies 400,000 miles to get their jet-lagged asses handed to them by #23 Hawaii. This is the first time Hawaii's ever been ranked, and perhaps rightfully so. This kid Colt Brennan threw for 5,549 yards and 58 TDs last season, but honestly how hard can it be in a conference featuring powerhouses like Utah State and (for some reason) Louisiana Tech?

Monday brings what will no doubt be a very exciting game as Texas Tech travels to hated rival Southern Methodist. (I have no idea if they are actual rivals.) ESPN somehow managed to secure the broadcast rights to this exciting matchup. After the game, stay tuned to ESPN (assuming your faces weren't rocked off by the last game) 'cause #19 Florida State visits Clemson. Maybe set an alarm or something in case you fall asleep during the 4-o'clock game.

So that's college this week. Hooray! It's finally football season!

Preseason predictions Week 4

2007-08-30T16:27:00.000-04:00

Fuck. Last week I'll have to do this and not care. No starters are expected to play more than a few downs if at all, so this is pretty much the most meaningless thing ever. Let's do this!

Thursday
Buffalo @ Detroit
Washington @ Jacksonville
NYJ @ Philadelphia
NYG @ New England
Dallas @ Minnesota
Pittsburgh @ Carolina
Houston @ Tampa Bay
Miami @ New Orleans
Kansas City @ St. Louis
Cleveland @ Chicago
Green Bay @ Tennessee
Arizona @ Denver
San Francisco @ San Diego
Oakland @ Seattle

Friday
Baltimore @ Atlanta
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati

Thank God that's fucking done with.

Preseason Week 3 recap

2007-08-30T16:23:00.000-04:00

I was 12-4, a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar was 9-7, bringing our totals to 16-16 and 15-17 respectively. This is about what I expected. I think next week I'll go 8-8 and a 1967 John. F. Kennedy half-dollar will go 9-7.

Actually, fuck that. You're fired, 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar. Turn in your badge and gun and get the hell out of my office.

i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me

2007-08-27T02:40:00.000-04:00

what da fuck is cold cereal

"Shattered Expectations"

2007-08-27T02:09:00.000-04:00

So I've just started a league with The Onion's fantasy football program. I know, I know: yawn, I've got my Yahoo! team, my ESPN.com team, whatever. They all want you to have QBs that throw for 450 yards a game, RBs who go for 225 yards, and Ds that force fumbles and INTs on their way to 16 shut-outs.

Well, if you're familiar with The Onion, you'll know they're not exactly conventional. Their game is called "Shattered Expectations." They force you to pick the worst possible players each week and you are rewarded for their nonperformance. But it's not as easy as flipping a coin and choosing between the Bucs or the Dolphins.

Since it's "Shattered Expectations," the players you choose come from a set pool, each with their own lofty expectations. Week 1 has Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger available among possible starting QBs.

It's really a challenging way to re-think your Sunday afternoons. Rather than hope LdT rushes for 200 yards and catches 10 passes, hope Denver's D can shut San Diego down just enough that Nate Kaeding has an opportunity to miss a few 35-yarders.

Once you've followed the link to sign up and have picked a team name and selected a starting lineup, join the Footlawl League. The league name is (obviously) Footlawl. The password is nflol.

There you have it, the gauntlet has been thrown. Sign up, you punks. Prepare for humiliation at the hands of a team named Unicorns are Pretty.

Preseason predictions Week 3

2007-08-21T17:08:00.000-04:00

And now for what I really hate doing but can't stop because I'm determined to predict every game this season: preseason guessing games!

Thursday
Me: Jacksonville @ Green Bay
A1967JFKHD: Jacksonville @ Green Bay - The Packers have already had their 40+ point game this season.

Me: New Orleans @ Kansas City
A1967JFKHD: New Orleans @ Kansas City - I seriously hate doing this.

Friday
Tennessee @ Buffalo - Why not?

New England @ Carolina - Sure.

Me: St. Louis @ Oakland
A1967JFKHD: St. Louis @ Oakland - The Raiders are just plain terrible. I'd hold out indefinitely if I was Jamarcus Russell, too.

Saturday
Detroit @ Indianapolis - Check it to pancakes.

Tampa Bay @ Miami - Please?

Me: NY Jets @ NY Giants
A1967JFKHD: NY Jets @ NY Giants - This boggles my mind. How can the Jets be away? How do they handle tickets? That, to me, is the real story here.

San Francisco @ Chicago - Grossmania.

Baltimore @ Washington - Seriously I want the regular season to hurry the fuck up and get up in this bitch.

Me: Dallas @ Houston
A1967JFKHD: Dallas @ Houston - It'd be nice if there was at least one interesting game.

Minnesota @ Seattle - It ain't gonna be this one.

Me: Cleveland @ Denver
A1967JFKHD: Cleveland @ Denver - I know, it's crazy picking Cleveland to do anything, but like 20 Donkos got injured last week.

San Diego @ Arizona - LdT will only play two series but he'll still manage 30 carries and 60 yards.

Sunday
Me: Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh
A1967JFKHD: Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh - I hope everybody in both these cities dies.

Monday
Me: Cincinnatti @ Atlanta
A1967JFKHD: Cincinnatti @ Atlanta - I'll admit, I was kind of surprised to see the Falcons put up a W last week. I know it's the preseason and anything can happen but I kind of figured the whole Vick thing would be on everyone's mind and they'd be distracted. Good for them. He'll be in Federal Pound-Me-in-the-Ass Penetentiary and the Falcons will (I only say this because it would be fucking hilarious, not because I want it in any way) go 19-0.

Thank God that's over with.

Preseason Week 2 recap

2007-08-21T16:53:00.000-04:00

Wow, both myself and a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar did terribly this week. I was 4-12 and a 1967 John. F. Kennedy half-dollar was 6-10. That's pretty sad. Good thing it's preseason and none of this matters, right?

Preseason predictions Week 2

2007-08-14T16:55:00.000-04:00

So last week I made an off-hand comment that all the picks were pretty much done by coin toss. It got me to thinking, and I wondered if I could out-pick a coinflip. Without any further ado, I introduce the newest Footlawl Team Member: a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar!

A 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar.
What an awful picture. Oh well, it's the best my $7 digital camera could do. So what do you say we get started picking this week's winners?

Please note: To conserve space, only the picks where myself and a 1967 John F. Kennedy half-dollar differ are shown.

Thursday
Me: Miami @ Kansas City
A1967JFKHD: Miami @ Kansas City - Gonna have to disagree with you there, Mr. President. Miami's offense looked fucking awful last week.

Friday
Atlanta @ Buffalo - Even a coin older than Joey Harrington knows Joey Harrington sucks.

Me: Carolina @ Philadelphia - Zone blocking for the win.
A1967JFKHD: Carolina @ Philadelphia

Minnesota @ NY Jets - Minnesota status? Still terrible.

Tennessee @ New England - New England status? Still getting no respect. Vince Young continues to ride pine for fear of The Madden Curse.

Saturday
Me: Houston @ Arizona
A1967JFKHD: Houston @ Arizona - This is another one of those match-ups like Arizona and Oakland last week. Why even bother?

Me: Detroit @ Cleveland
A1967JFKHD: Detroit @ Cleveland - Nope, don't care.

New Orleans @ Cincinnati

Tampa Bay @ Jacksonville - Luke McCown destroys 2nd-team D.

Denver @ Dallas - I wouldn't root for Dallas if I was JFK, either.

Pittsburgh @ Washington - As long as Dan Snyder stalks the halls of the Redskins' front office, they will be an embarrassment to just about everybody.

Me: San Diego @ St. Louis
A1967JFKHD: San Diego @ St. Louis - I don't have much to say here except I hope the Chargers get their running back some field time. He's totally under-utilised and could truly be something great if Norv Turner gets him some touches.

Seattle @ Green Bay - It's really hard to find something meaningful to say about two times I couldn't give a shit less about.

Me: Oakland @ San Francisco
A1967JFKHD: Oakland @ San Francisco - The Raiders went 4-0 in the preseason last year and went 2-14 in the regular season. Don't expect anything different this year.

Sunday
Me: NY Giants @ Baltimore
A1967JFKHD: NY Giants @ Baltimore - Some guys on the radio today said Baltimore might be one of the best teams in football? Did they forget about the rest of the AFC?

Monday
Me: Chicago @ Indianapolis
A1967JFKHD: Chicago @ Indianapolis - Also a lot of people are predicting Indianapolis will tank. I wouldn't say "tank" is a good word, but unless Peyton Manning tracks down Dan Marino and buttfucks him raw then literally throat-fucks Tom Brady with his shit-covered cock, a lot of fans won't have their expectations met.

So there you have it. Wow, this was fucking retarded and way too labor-intensive.

Preseason week 1 recap

2007-08-14T16:53:00.000-04:00

So, 9 for 7 on week 1. No real comments needed, it's preseason.

Preseason predictions Week 1

2007-08-09T16:33:00.000-04:00

Thursday
Cincinnati at Detroit
Indianapolis at Dallas - The Colts' depth chart isn't that deep. Go Sorgi!

Friday
Atlanta at NY Jets
New England at Tampa Bay - I know I'm contradicting myself here, but fuck it guys, do it for the A-Train!
Buffalo at New Orleans - The Saints are consistently terrible in the preseason.
St. Louis at Minnesota

Saturday
Green Bay at Pittsburgh
Jacksonville at Miami
Kansas City at Cleveland
Carolina at NY Giants
Chicago at Houston
Washington at Tennessee
Arizona at Oakland - Whoever wins, we lose.

Sunday
Seattle at A Whale's Vagina

Monday
Philadelphia at Baltimore
Denver at San Francisco

Pretty much all results chosen by coin toss.

God fucking damnit

2007-08-09T16:28:00.000-04:00

Second Neck Injury Forces Alstott to IR

Fuckin' Barry Bonds

2007-08-08T01:21:00.000-04:00

Yo, fuck Barry Bonds. There, I said it. Tonight at trivia (I suppose I'll always remember where I was) we discussed the three possible options as a pitcher facing Mr. HGH:

1) Throw him a lame duck.
Rationale: Look, you're the Washington Nationals, you're not that hot, you may as well just serve it up to him. It'll taint his record like Brett Favre laying down for Michael Strahan and you'll be assured your spot in history, albeit as That Guy.

2) Pitch fucking mean heat.
Rationale: Look, you're the Washington Nationals, you're not that hot. At least go out there and be able to say "I threw my best against him and he hit the homer off it." Honorable.

3) Aim for the cup.
Rationale: Fuck this guy.

All perfectly reasonable options. I'd like to hear your own thoughts. Personally, I'd got for option 3, but that's because I'm a classless cocksucker. At least A-Rod is 2/3s of the way there.

Oh, and to keep it on topic, football happened last Sunday. Ben Roffleburger unleashed the dragon, Drew Brees rimmed asshole (1/6, 6 yards, 0/0), and I left before the 4th quarter started. I think maybe I am beginning to see what all the preseason Hatorade-drankin' is all about.

Back from the Dead

2007-07-31T00:29:00.000-04:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year, ladies and gentlemen. No, I don't mean football season, it's Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. However, last Sunday has the distinction of being the last Sunday without an NFL broadcast til January. That said, let's take a look at the schedules of The U, Florida, and the Bucs and make some wild predictions based on nothing more than pure homerism.

The U
The U vs. Marshall
The U @ Oklahoma
The U vs FIU - Victory by way of horriffic brawl
The U vs Texas A&M
The U vs Duke
The U @ North Carolina
The U vs GA Tech
The U @ FSU - I hate to say it, but hey, I can't give The U a perfect season. I will, however, bet the 'Nole at work a bottle of wine that The U will beat the shit out of FSU.
The U vs NC State
The U vs Virginia
The U @ VA Tech
The U @ Boston College
ACC Championship: The U vs Wake Forest
National Championship: The U vs Some Sucka Team

Florida
Tim Tebow will either be the white Michael Vick (without being associated with the phrase "rape stands") or be completely uninteresting. Either way, go Gators!

Florida vs. Western Kentucky
Florida vs. Troy - The last of UF's rent-a-wins this season.
Florida vs. Tennessee
Florida @ Mississippi
Florida vs. Auburn
Florida @ LSU
Florida @ Kentucky
Florida @ Georgia
Florida @ Vanderbilt
Florida @ South Carolina - Steve Spurrier will have his revenge on the city of Gainesville.
Florida vs. Florida Atlantic
Florida vs. Florida State - Seriously, fuck the 'Noles.

The Buccaneers
John Gruden is making human sacrifices to the owl-god Moloch in hopes this is not another losing season so he can keep his job.

Preseason
Jesus, here he goes again, sucking the preseason's dick...

Bucs vs. The Patriots - It kills me to say this, it really does, but I think the Pats might go deeper on the depth chart. Unless of course special teams star *~Antoine Cash~* makes a big impact. Which he already has. On my heart.
Bucs @ Jaguars - Fuckin' Jacksonville.
Bucs @ Miami - The Dolphins are still awful.
Bucs vs. The Texans - Houston is still awful.

OMG Regular seasoning
The Bucs @ Seattle
The Bucs vs. New Orleans
The Bucs vs. St. Louis
The Bucs @ Carolina
The Bucs @ Indy
The Bucs vs. Tennessee
The Bucs @ Detroit
The Bucs vs. Jacksonville - Whuttup
The Bucs vs. Arizona
The Bucs vs. Bye Week
The Bucs @ Atlanta - We've got a history of embarrassing the Falcons at home. With Vick serving a 6-year prison sentence, why should this season be any different? (Note: Come Nov. 18, I will probably be eating my words)
The Bucs vs. Washington
The Bucs @ New Orleans
The Bucs @ Houston - Fuck you, Matt Schaubb
The Bucs vs. Atlanta
The Bucs @ San Francisco - Why not? Bill Walsh R.I.P., nigga
The Bucs vs. Carolina

And they go to the NFC Championship game and lose to the fucking Bears or something retarded like that.

Hiatus = over

2007-04-27T00:22:00.000-04:00

So, I took a hiatus from writing in week 10 and completely whiffed out on any commentary for the next 9 weeks. Whoops.

Anyway, let's start this off with this heart-warming tale (or is it heart-worming) about Michael Vick being involved in underground dog fighting rings. I read a letter to the editor in the paper reminding us that despite the tragedy of the shooting, Virginia Tech has provided the world with good things. Name one. Go. Go go go. The commish is going to bring down the wrath of God if it can be proven the dogs were for more than just holding jewelry.

So, the draft is Saturday. I don't follow a lot of college football, frankly, so all this talk of Calvin Johnson and Jamarcus Russel and Brady Quinn is something I'll leave to those who do. I'll have analysis of picks, though, based on what ESPN tells me to think. I think if I were a coach I'd want to draft a guy with intangible character elements and the drive to utilise his tools to the fullest of his ability. That seems to be what everyone's after. Oh, and he should be able to run the 40 in 3.5 seconds wearing a drag chute. Uphill. Both ways.

Week 10 predictions

2006-11-12T16:11:00.000-05:00

Sunday
Baltimore at Tennessee - The Titans are a joke.

Buffalo at Indianapolis - Laser, rocket arm.

Cleveland at Atlanta - The Titans are a joke, too.

Green Bay at Minnesota - Oh, Brett.

Houston at Jacksonville - There are a lot of games this week where stronger teams take on weiner teams.

Kansas City at Miami - Call me crazy. The Dolphins are gonna be charged after beating Chicago last week.

N.Y. Jets at New England - Call me crazy again, but I think the Jets can squeak this out.

San Diego at Cincinnati - LdT is pretty good.

San Francisco at Detroit - Oh God.

Washington at Philadelphia - The Eagles manage to break their losing streak.

Denver at Oakland - Denver breaks the single-game sack record with 14.

Dallas at Arizona - Poor Dallas. Arizona's gonna come out and take an early lead, but that doesn't mean shit as we've seen. However, Dallas is a mess right now and I don't think they'll be able to take advantage of any Cardinal miscues.

New Orleans at Pittsburgh - Be honest. Would you have thought this before Week 1?

St. Louis at Seattle - Seattle's kinda struggling without Alexander and Hasselbeck.

Chicago at N.Y. Giants - Repeat of 1985, where Miami was the only team to defeat da Bears.

Monday
Tampa Bay at Carolina - Monte Kiffen figures out how to jam up Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson. Failing that, we'll just start playing for draft position.

Week 9 predictions

2006-11-04T23:36:00.000-05:00

Sunday
Atlanta at Detroit - Holy shit, Michael Vick out of fucking nowhere.

Cincinnati at Baltimore - The Ravens are 50-50 playing against teams with winning records (Chargers, Broncos, Panthers, Saints for W, L, L, W).

Dallas at Washington - Big fucking rivalry game; big fucking deal.

Green Bay at Buffalo - The Packers are awful. So are the Bills.

Houston at N.Y. Giants - Easy pick.

Kansas City at St. Louis - The Rams win in a Wild West shootout, 94-93.

Miami at Chicago - I will be taking a nap during this game.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay - Sigh. I'm getting the Antoine Cash jersey for my birthday. I'll wear it with my "U" hat for extra shame.

Tennessee at Jacksonville - David (Steve?) Garrard (Garraud?) is starting. That's a good thing.

Minnesota at San Francisco - Superbowl-winning QB Brad Johnson versus the Tiniest Hands in the League.

Cleveland at San Diego - The Browns are terrible.

Denver at Pittsburgh - Two (more) concussions for Roflberger. The Donkos D is gonna have a fucking field day for INTs.

Indianapolis at New England - My God I'm glad this game isn't the Monday Night game. Joe Theismann would spend 3 hours gulping down quarterback cum non-fucking-stop. As it is, there's gonna be a lot of cock-gobbling QB love. Also: laser, rocket arm.

Monday
Oakland at Seattle - Well. It's good to know I can go to bed early Monday.

NCAA

2006-11-04T23:21:00.000-05:00

Well, a heart-breaker in Miami tonight. However, it wasn't a total shitfest. Miami actually showed up to play for the 2nd half, which was a nice thing to see. I'm not sure what the problem is with Miami, but it's there. Maybe it's recruiting, maybe it's the new conference, maybe it's just the talent pool in the Southeast isn't as hot recently. Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's not Larry Coker.

I actually got to see a live game today in the Citrus Bowl. UCF lost to Eastern Carolina. It was a lot of fun seeing a game live even with the loss. Shout-out to the guy who kept up a non-stop string of profanity throughout the first half. He really hammered home the difference between TV and live.

So, the big thing I want to mention is the last few seconds of the first half of the Wisconsin-Penn State game. Wisconsin scored a TD to make it 10-7 with a bit of time left on the clock. The Wisonsin coach found a loophole in the new game clock rules, though. See, now the clock starts when the football is kicked as opposed to touched by the receiving team. So Wisconsin comes out and deliberately goes offsides on the kick. A few seconds tick off the clock, the ball is backed up 5 yards, and they set up to rekick. Wisconsin again goes deliberately offsides on the kick, a few seconds tick off, the ball is backed up, and Joe Paterno goes apeshit. Wisconsin kicked a third time for real and there was a minimal gain on the return.

So how fucking clever is that? Kick the ball a few times and run time off the clock. Sure, eventually you'd be kicking from your own goal line, but if you just needed to run 20 seconds off, you could do that.

Anyway, I think the NCAA is going to look at this in the off-season and you'll see one of two outcomes: One, the clock rules go back to how they were last season. Two, any team that's offsides on more than, say, one kick is charged for unsportsmanlike conduct and the ball is placed on the other team's 35 or 40 or something.

Week 8 predictions

2006-10-29T08:52:00.001-05:00

Sunday
Arizona at Green Bay - Okay, the Cardinals put up 20 on the Bears and then blew it. I think the Cardinals (and/or anybody, really) could put up 20 against Green Bay. The difference between Green Bay and Chicago, though, is that Green Bay won't be able to force a complete meltdown in Arizona.

Tampa Bay at N.Y. Giants - Dare to dream, round 2. The Bucs have played and won some amazingly close games the past 2 weeks and this could be another one. Of course, it is cold and windy as hell in NYC right now, so we'll have to see if the Bucs can still win when it's sub-40*. Also, TIKI RONDE TIKI RONDE TIKI RONDE blah blah blah.

San Francisco at Chicago - No contest.

Seattle at Kansas City - No Hasselbeck or Alexander for Seattle. Gonna be tough.

Jacksonville at Philadelphia - This one's hard to pick. Both teams are coming off of complete boner losses last week and are going to want to prove legitimacy. Leftwich is out and Garrard is in. A lot of people think Garrard is a better QB than Leftwich, and they may not be wrong. Still, though, here's another game with a team from Florida playing in the cold, windy Northeast. I just happen to be more of a homer for the Bucs than for the Jags.

Houston at Tennessee - Whoever wins, we lose.

Baltimore at New Orleans - This should be a good game as the two big surprise teams take each other on. I'm taking the Saints because they're at home and the crowd seems to give a huge boost to the Saints this year. However, it's not just a home team coin flip; the Saints seem to be for real this season and the Ravens maybe not so much. We'll see, I suppose.

Atlanta at Cincinnati - The Bengals are just the better team. Aside from the Falcons putting up 4,000 rushing yards against the Bucs, I just don't think they're put together corectly just yet. Jim Mora, Jr. moves one loss closer to losing his job and Atlanta moves one season closer to getting completely sick of their 10-year deal with Michael Vick.

St. Louis at San Diego - Even without the steroid-enhanced Merriman, the Chargers are solid enough to win this.

Pittsburgh at Oakland - "Big" Ben Roethlisberger is still listed as "questionable." It doesn't matter if Charlie Batch plays or Roflberger plays; Oakland sucks and the Steelers are solid enough to win this with either of the two at QB.

N.Y. Jets at Cleveland - Yawn.

Indianapolis at Denver - Holy shit this game could be fucking awesome. The Colts cannot stop the run and the Donkos can run pretty damned well. The Colts are known for putting up gaudy numbers in the scores and the Donkos are (surprise!) known for not allowing TDs. The Pony Bowl could give Indy their first loss in the season. I like the Donkos in this game and if Jake the Missnake can keep his shit together, he'll be upgraded to plain old "the Snake" for the recap on Monday/Tuesday.

Dallas at Carolina - Yawn. The Cowboys are done.

Monday
New England at Minnesota - Superbowl-winning QB Brad Johnson (I know, right?) leads his team to victory. Tom Brady is playing with a bunch of weiners and the Vikings as a whole are a bunch of weiners. I wish we could get games like Indy @ Denver for primetime so I could hear stunning football analysis from Joe "Break a Leg" Theismann. What a weiner that guy is.

Anyway, see you Monday. Or Tuesday. Or whenever.

Week 7 recap

2006-10-24T00:03:00.000-04:00

9-4 this week, 49-21 on the year.

I guess we'll start with Jacksonville's loss to Houston. What the hell? I've been sucking Jaguar cock all season so far and then they roll over to the fucking Texans? I mean, I know they're not quite the league joke they were last year (that honor goes to Oakland or possibly Arizona) but they're still not very good. They're certainly not 27 to 7 good, nor is Jacksonville that bad.

Next, the Falcons. Did I call it or did I call it? Pittsburgh can start chowing down on their French cries now that Roflberger's concussed. If he's not legally retarded at this point, I'll be very surprised. I bet his MRIs look like brain scans of methamphetamine addicts. I know it's tough to live up to a 15-0 season, but honestly Pittsburgh (and bandwagon fans): Roethlisberger will never be as good as he was, and he wasn't very good to begin with.

Oakland put up 22 points to Arizona's 9. The debate on which team is the flat-out worst in the NFL begins in earnest with this game. I mean, obviously Oakland is terrible, but remember that Arizona blew a 20-point lead against the Bears last week. I'll grant that it's not hard to lose to the Bears, but to put up 20 early and then blow the game is pretty fucking bad, and it's not an isolated incident. The season's almost half-over so there's still time for one of these teams to ultimately prove they're the worst in the NFL.

On to Seattle: If I genuinely believed in the Madden curse, I'd have a lot of evidence to back me up. First the cover-boy goes down and now their QB is out with a sprained knee. Maybe it's the Superbowl loser curse, though. Either way, the Seahawks are fucked for 3 weeks or so.

And on to the Monday Night Football game that just ended. Drew Bledsoe will follow in TO's footsteps this week with a suicide attempt after being benched for Tony Romo after the half. I'm not sure I agree with Bill Parcell's decision, frankly. Bledsoe was taking shots, yes, but that's the O-line's fault. If you watch replays of the sacks, the defense was coming across the line almost entirely unblocked. No QB in the league is going to be able to do anything with a porous O-line. Romo is, of course, far more mobile than Bledose, but Romo is essentially a rookie (4 years in the league but had only thrown 2 passes in his career) and was making rookie mistakes. The Cowboys are in a tough position, obviously, but Parcells fucked up by taking Bledsoe out. At this point he's moved all-in on an untested QB and can't go back to Bledsoe without looking like a jackoff. Romo better pan out or else all Dallas will have to look forward to is a chance at drafting Brady Quinn.

And last but certainly not least, how 'bout them Buccaneers? Jon Gruden's got to have some sort of pact with the devil to have the motivational skills he's got. And Matt Bryant must have liquid nitrogen in his veins. I mean, imagine that sideline conversation:

"30 seconds left and the game's on the line. Bryant, think you can boot the second-longest field goal in the history of football for the win?"
"You got it, coach."

And then (and this is the best part) he did. The NFC South got their licks in early, which might turn out to be a good thing. The Bucs are waking up and if Ronde Barber can prod the rest of the D into making plays, look the fuck out. The only major bummer was the 5 or 6 whiffed tackles on that Brian Westbrook play, but fuck it. 62 yards, baby.

Week 7 predictions

2006-10-17T01:25:00.000-04:00

And while I'm at it...

Sunday
Carolina at Cincinnati - Despite tough losses to New England and Tampa Bay, the Bengals are a legitimate team. Carolina's defense will be hard-pressed to stop Cincy's two receivers and their offense will be hard-pressed to utilize their one receiver.

Detroit at N.Y. Jets - The Jets aren't as awful as everyone thought they'd be this year. The Lions, however, are.

Green Bay at Miami - I honestly believe Miami is this fucking bad.

Jacksonville at Houston - This might be a close one, depending on which Houston shows up.

New England at Buffalo - Not much to say here, I'm afraid.

Philadelphia at Tampa Bay - Dare to dream. The Bucs will be pumped from their win last week.

Pittsburgh at Atlanta - The Falcons' D is gonna have extra helpings of Rofl Burgers while the city of Pittsburgh enjoys a side order of French Cries.

San Diego at Kansas City - BEEP BEEP it's the bandwagon! Santa better get started on making all the extra A Whale's Vagina jerseys that'll be ordered just in time for the playoffs.

Denver at Cleveland - Jake "the Missnake" Plummer is still hit-and-miss, but Cleveland doesn't have the tools to take advantage of his inevitable turnovers. Even if they did, the Donko defense is pretty goddamned good this year. One allowed TD in 6 weeks is mind-blowing.

Arizona at Oakland - Holy God this will be the worst game of football ever played. Arizona will jump out to an early 134-3 lead at halftime, but will bench the entire defense for the 3rd quarter, allowing an Oakland comeback. Just kidding. Oakland really blows and they will lose.

Minnesota at Seattle - Seacocks.

Washington at Indianapolis - Laser, rocket arm.

Monday
N.Y. Giants at Dallas - Michael Strahan breaks his season and single game sack records.

Celebrating 25 years of thuggery

2006-10-17T01:00:00.000-04:00

Today on Cold Pizza, Woody Paige suggested that a recent scuffle between FIU and The U be grounds for permanently eradicating Miami's football program entirely.

Eat shit, Woody Paige. A): You prim and proper sportscasters need villains like Miami. Without Jimmy Johnson beginning a tradition of allowing young thugs from the Miami ghettoes to play football like the amoral, crazed assholes they are, football remains 6'6", 190-pound white guys with names like "Buzz" and haircuts to match running Student Body Left plays for two and a half hours. How much more interesting is the evening sports segment because the Hurricanes showed up in camo? What about the Catholics vs. Convicts rivalry?

Now, I certainly don't suggest excusing trying to crush an opponent's skull with your cleats/helmet just because it makes for interesting TV. I'm merely saying the 'Canes can pull this shit and (with the exception [so far] of this year) be a dominant force in NCAA football, and I hope that fact keeps the likes of Woody Paige and Joe Buck up late at night grinding their teeth into exposed roots.

Football is a violent sport. Yeah, sure, go back 40 years ago before Joe Namath and football was a white-bread, respectful sport. But even then it was about large men beating the absolute Christ out of each other, and nothing's changed except the strength of the hits.

Miami is a neccessary evil in NCAA football. Ray Lewis? Warren Sapp? Jeremy Shockey? Michael Irvin? They've all got three things in common: 1) They're all cocks. 2) They all came from Miami. 3) They're some of the best to ever play the game. Miami takes violent criminals, turns them into football players, and ESPN has footage for Sportscenter.

I wore my U hat with a smug smirk on my face today. I'm proud to be a fan. Hate me for it, 'cause it just gets me off.

Oh, and B): Woody Paige, you're named after an erection.

Week 6 recap

2006-10-17T00:49:00.000-04:00

7-6 for week 6, 40-17 for the year. And now the insightful analysis:

Really, not too many major upsets except for one. Did anybody expect the Bucs to win Sunday? Fuck, no. I'm pleased to be wrong on that prediction. Bruce Gradkowski seems to be fairly consistent under pressure, which is a welcome change from Chris "Who Knows?" Simms. I'm not dogging on the guy, though; Simms could be a real solid QB if the coaching staff could beat the mental mistakes out of him. It's just that watching him lead a comeback drive late in the 4th gives me angina.

Jesus, I just checked NFL.com and da Bears managed to come back in a squeaker. Kinda makes me wish I'd watched beyond the Jay-Z music video premiere. Will Arizona ever play 4 quarters this year?

Week 6 predictions

2006-10-10T00:49:00.000-04:00

Too soon? Projected winners are in bold.

Sunday
Buffalo at Detroit - The Lions are terrible.

Carolina at Baltimore - This one is kinda tricky to call. The Ravens have a good record but haven't really played any teams so far. The Panthers aren't too hot but I believe they've got the tools to make a valid effort at the playoffs when properly motivated, and I think they are. All things considered, I think the home team is gonna squeak out a win.

Cincinnati at Tampa Bay - Let's just say the Buccaneers aren't playing too well right now, while the Bengals are playing really well. Carson Palmer's eerie powers of the dead propel them to victory.

Houston at Dallas - This might change if TO starts shitting all over the Tuna and Bledsoe during the week. He's a fucking cancer and I don't know how he can still get work.

N.Y. Giants at Atlanta - Abraham returns.

Philadelphia at New Orleans - Not really sure what to say about this one. I think it speaks for itself.

Seattle at St. Louis - Seattle got whipped two weeks ago, but they were playing the Bears. The Rams are not as good as the Bears.

Tennessee at Washington - Oh God.

Kansas City at Pittsburgh - The Steelers win, but Ben Roethlisberger does everything in his power to lose the game by throwing 4 INTs. ESPN continues to wonder when he'll shake off the "rust." (re: "suck.")

Miami at N.Y. Jets - The Dolphins are awful. Not even Joey Harrington (lol) can salvage them.

San Diego at San Francisco - Shawne Merriman.

Oakland at Denver - Jesus Christ, is this seriously Sunday Night Football? John Madden will run out of things to say by halftime and just go warm up the bus. The Donkos go 5 games allowing only one TD.

Chicago at Arizona - Jesus Christ, is this seriously Monday Night Football? Joe Theisman finally snaps and tries to stab Tony K with a pen after Tony tells Joe to "break a leg" before kickoff.

13-1 last week, 33-11 on the year.

Week 5 recap

2006-10-09T23:45:00.000-04:00

How 'bout them Donkos? Footlawl thinks they just might be the real deal this year (which they also were last year, of course) if Jake can be more "the Snake" than "the Mistake." So far he's 50-50, so we'll be calling him "the Missnake" until further notice. Their D, though... wow. They've only allowed one TD so far. I cannot wait to see them shit all over the Raiders.

Footlawl was 13-1 on the week (!!!) bringing us to 33-11 for the season. Let's take a look at some of the highlights:

First, Chicago put a hurting on Buffalo, shutting them out 40-0 for something like 58 minutes of play. Not too surprising.

Reggie Bush scored his first TD in the NFL yesterday against the Buccaneers who are now 0-4. Maybe by the time my berfday rolls around they'll have discounted customized jerseys so I can get one showing love for special teams linebacker Antoine Cash (#52). Bruce Gradkowski may have played well. I didn't get to watch much of the game, as I had to work, but according to the voice of the Bucs, he's "got icewater in his veins." I did get to listen to a bit of the game on my break, however. I tuned in just as Gradkowski threw his 2nd TD of the day and had to go back to work just as Bush scored. Coors should bring back the "Bitter Beer Face" ads and just show sideline footage of Chuckie Gruden, 'cause he's gotta be permanently squinted up by now.

Dear Indianapolis: Why on Earth was that game so close?

Dear Jacksonville: Jesus God, way to rack up 41 fucking points while allowing 0. Look, keep winning, please, but don't put up such gaudy numbers. I genuinely enjoy how you guys fly under the radar. I cannot express how much fun it is to remind people that you guys went 12-4 last season. "Jacksonville?" they typically say. "Really??" You guys could win the Superbowl this year and sportscasters would still forget about you come August '07.

Philadelphia did pretty much what they had to in beating the Christ out of Drew Bledsoe and shutting down TO. TO, as he does, is gearing up to complain about how the team he's on sucks and they don't utilize his talents and etc., but I wonder if he ever stops to think that maybe he's the reason teams he's on self-destruct.

And last but not least, the Steelers continued their inevitable fall from grace with an overrated, perhaps brain damaged, quarterback. And I just fucking laughed and laughed until a little pee leaked out.

Week 5 predictions

2006-10-03T11:07:00.000-04:00

Projected winners are, as always, in bold.

Sunday
Buffalo at Chicago - BEEP BEEP all aboard the Grossman Express! I don't see how Buffalol could win this.

Cleveland at Carolina - Carolina won on the road last week, Keyshawn will get the ball more, Steve Smith has his Magic Stick for his hamstrings, and the Browns aren't that good.

Detroit at Minnesota - There's a bill being introduced in the Michigan state congress to allow fans to hold signs up that say "Fire Millen." The Lions are a mess.

Miami at New England - Speaking of trainwrecks, the Dolphins aren't doing so hot, either. New England's not exactly the same powerhouse they once were, but they're lightyears ahead of Miami.

St. Louis at Green Bay - The Packers are awful.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans - Bruce Gradkowski was so nervous during the opening minutes of the Bucs' first preseason game that he threw up, and he wasn't even set to play yet. If the Saints fans can muster the same kind of noise that they did against the Falcons, he won't even be able to leave the locker room. Poor kid.

Tennessee at Indianapolis - Laser, rocket arm.

Washington at N.Y. Giants - Santana Moss is looking pretty hawt.

Kansas City at Arizona - Kurt Warner (who is terrible) or Matt Leinart (who is a jerk surrounded by bad players)? Either way, your team is boned. When you've got people declaring "the era of Matt Leinart begins" followed by "the Matt Leinart era wasn't very long" because it's true, your team is in trouble.

N.Y. Jets at Jacksonville - The Jaguars are pretty damned good at stopping the run. The Jets don't have a running game. Maybe this will cause some sort of inverse, divide-by-zero scenario, but I doubt it. In short, the Jaguars are good; the Jets, not so much.

Oakland at San Francisco - Good Lord. Whichever network affiliates are carrying this game for the home crowd could just show a 3-hour block of Suddenly Susan and get higher ratings.

Dallas at Philadelphia - TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO TO ... I'd like to watch this game because it will probably be really good, but you can bet every dollar you have I'll be watching it with the sound muted.

Pittsburgh at San Diego - "Big" Ben Roethlisberger is overrated. People will say "Oh, it's a shame that the motorcycle accident fucked up his brain and made him mediocre" but no mainstream sportscaster will ever step up and say "Actually, he was never that good to begin with" unless ESPN hires me and makes me a mainstream sportscaster.

Monday
Baltimore at Denver - I believe in you, Jake the Snake. (This is why ESPN will never hire me and make me a mainstream sportscaster.)

9-5 last week I predicted (Week 3), 20-10 on the season.

Week 4 recap

2006-10-03T10:45:00.000-04:00

Well, I missed another week for predictions. Oh well, I've been busy working. This blogging shit isn't making me $$$, so I gotta get that cheddar somehow. I didn't get to watch any college football this week and only got a chance to catch Sunday & Monday Night Football. And I didn't even watch much of those games because holy shit score differences.

So where do we stand? Only Indianapolis, Chicago, and fucking Baltimore are 4-0. Indy and Chi-town aren't too surprising, but Baltimore came out of fucking nowhere and started the season off with a bang. Of course, they only separated themselves from the Raiders and the Bucs and won squeakers against Cleveland and San Diego.

Tennessee, Oakland, Detroit, and Tampa Bay are the only teams with 0 wins. The Titans, Raiders, and Lions fans have some well-publicized hate for their respective front offices and rightfully so. But why Tampa Bay? What's the problem there? The D doesn't look nearly as dominant as they did 4 years ago (hell, even one year ago) and the offense is young and playing for a D-minded staff. Chris Simms didn't look real confident a few times last season, but he's looked downright meek for all of this season with the exception of the last half of Carolina @ Tampa.

In the cases of Tennessee, Oakland, and Detroit, it's fairly easy to find the solution: fire everybody in management, hire some guys who know assholes from elbows, rebuild for a season or two, win championships. It's that easy. In the case of Tampa, though, what the fuck? They have two of the best football minds in Jon Gruden and Monte Kiffen and aside from Keyshawn Johnson's situation a few years ago nobody's pissing off franchise players like the Titans did with "Air" McNair. It's going to take some time to rebuild the Bucs, I'm afraid. It's hard enough to replace guys like Ronde Barber, Anthony McFarland, Simeon Rice, and Derek Brooks, but when they're all on the same unit, holy shit have you got some work to do finding replacements.

But enough of me moaning about the end of the Bucs' season 4 weeks in, Bucs fans aren't the only ones who will have no reason to live come January, as the Dolphins look like ass, too. When you lose to the Texans, that's not a very good thing. At all.

And hell, maybe the Seahawks (along with the Panthers) are going to show everybody what happens when you structure an entire team around one fucking player.

Bah. I don't feel like I can comment too in-depth on this week since I didn't watch any of these games and haven't even seen highlights except for the Jets deciding to play rugby for the last play of their game. I'm gonna fire up the Prognostitron 9000 and make some predictions.

Injury report

2006-09-26T00:35:00.000-04:00

As noted below, Chris Simms' spleen exploded and he is now listed as out indefinitely.

In other injury news, Sean Alexander is now listed as Madden cursed in accordance with prophecy.

Week 3 recap

2006-09-26T00:07:00.000-04:00

9-5 for week 3, 20-10 on the season. Yikes. Let's put that awful prediction record behind us and just see how everyone did, yes?

First, the Bucs managed to fire them cannons, which was great. They finally put it together in the second half and managed to make a game out of it. Unfortunately, John Kasay managed to hit a 46-yard field goal with 6 seconds left for the win. Steve Smith was activated for the game, and made some key contributions. Panthers fans better hope he stays healthy.

Chris Simms managed to play better with an exploded spleen than without, but unfortunately for the Bucs they removed the offending organ, so there goes that strategy. He's also out indefinitely, which is a scary word. Bruce Gradkowski gets the nod at starter. Bruce Gradkowski has a hilariously Eastern-European sounding name.

Chicago beat Minnesota as I thought they would, but it wasn't the blow-out I was expecting. In fact, the Vikes were leading a bit during the game. Maybe it's not fluky. Maybe Brad Johnson is the kind of quarterback who could, I dunno, lead a team to the Superbowl?

Brett Favre threw his 400th career TD on Sunday, and managed to squeak out a win against Detroit. As stated before, I don't care for Brett Favre as a human being, but the football fan in me wants the Pack to do better than 4-12 this year so he can retire with a modicum of self-respect.

Jacksonville put up a good fight against Indianapolis, which isn't surprising, but the Colts' offense is just too damned good for many teams in the NFL, and especially the AFC Souf, to stop. Honestly, though, look for a Jacksonville win in week 14.

Seattle... Jesus, what to do with you lot? It was 35-3 going into the half, so I went out to a BBQ and drank a bunch of beer. I pull up NFL.com to write this update and see the final score was 42-30? How does that even fucking happen? Attn: Seacocks, you are better than that. The only team that should be pissing away those kinds of leads is the 1992 Oilers. (Sorry, Dad.)

And finally, New Orleans just choke-slammed ATL. The guys on ESPN put it perfectly: "It's got to be tough for the Falcons to come into this game knowing that the entire country is rooting against you." Spike Lee and Harry Connick, Jr. (who I was once told I look like) made special appearances, and I'm glad they didn't waste trips. It's kind of neat to see the parity of the NFL in action, as the second-worst team last year now leads the NFC South, 3-0. As long as the Saints can keep playing first home games in over a year, they'll go undefeated.

Week 3 predictions

2006-09-24T11:43:00.000-04:00

Sunday

Carolina at Tampa Bay - Come on guys, please? Can we fire the cannons at least once this season? I'll pick the Bucs because the Panthers apparently really need Steve Smith to win.

Chicago at Minnesota - Fluky wins for the Vikes don't translate into 3-0. The Bears will have their way with the Vikings. Rex Grossman gets tapped on the wrist and loses an arm.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh - This is gonna be an awesome game. Everybody has been talking about it. This'll be a good test of the Bengals';s's D. If they can shut down the Steelers like the Jags did, look out.

Green Bay at Detroit - Green Bay? More like Green Booooo! Favre blows another one and more fans turn on him. Really, this Brett Favre situation makes me sad.

Jacksonville at Indianapolis - I know the Steelers don't have quite the same high-octane offense as the Colts, but holy cripes the Jags shut out the Steelers for two quarters, which hadn't happened since 1980. Plus, last season the Jags managed to do the same to the Colts. If the D can play 60 minutes today, the Jags get on the plane with the win. Of course, the sportswriters will be talking about Ben Roflberger's "rust" rubbing off on Pey-ton, as opposed to giving the Jags credit for the win, but that's kind of how I like it.

N.Y. Jets at Buffalo - The Jets had a good start but the Bills are playing pretty okay right now. Either way, this game is not interesting to me at all.

Tennessee at Miami - Eventually won't they have to win? Billy Volek laughs all the way to the bank. Whatever that means.

Washington at Houston - Not quite, Houston.

Baltimore at Cleveland - The Ravens are playing surprisingly solid ball for a bunch of Civil War veterans.

N.Y. Giants at Seattle - The Giants start Tim Hasselbeck, ESPN fails to care. The Hasselbeck Bowl is postponed yet again.

Philadelphia at San Francisco - The Eagles blew it last week, but don't look for this one to go into OT.

St. Louis at Arizona - Jesus Christ who cares?

Denver at New England - Whatever.

Monday
Atlanta at New Orleans - Everybody wants to see this. Saints lead the NFC South 3-0, everybody's heads explode, Reggie Bush receives credit for the amazing start, the Texans get laughed at by me and everybody else.

Interesting side note: come Tuesday morning, the NFC South will be stacked 3-0, 2-1, 1-2, 0-3. Neat.

Week 2 recap

2006-09-19T19:54:00.001-04:00

11-5 on regular season predictions. Could've gone 13-3 if I'd listened to logic and not picked the Bucs and the Jets. Oh well, at least the Jets made the last half of the game interesting.

And speaking of interesting, who would've thought that the fucking Saints would be tied for the top of the NFC South at this point? And that the Bucs and the Panthers would be tied in a race for the goddamned basement? Steve Smith is still listed as "questionable" for the Vikes game, and the Bucs haven't scored a touchdown in two weeks. The Bucs haven't had this low of a points-per-game average since, oh, I dunno... 197-fucking-6 when they went 0-16.

Dear Jon Gruden: Please allow Phil Simms into the Bucs' training facility so Chris can try to impress his Dad and maybe actually throw the goddamned ball at a receiver instead of a defensive lineman's outstretched hand.

But hey, I feel pretty good about calling the Jags over the Steelers. Nobody sees the Jags coming, but they'll be there at the end of the year, you can count on it.

More later...

Week 2 predictions

2006-09-14T02:43:00.000-04:00

And just like that, an immediate turnaround to Week 2 predictions. No further ado.

Sunday
Buffalo at Miami - Miami's at home. Their D is going to have a field day with Buffalol's shitty O line.

Carolina at Minnesota - Carolina has trouble without Steve Smith, and he's questionable on the injury report. If he's healthy, I'll take Carolina.

Cleveland at Cincinnati - Carson Palmer's knee's eerie powers of the dead propel the Bengals to victory.

Detroit at Chicago - I'm pretty sure there's a Bible parable about a lion fighting a bear, and now it's made manifest. I don't remember who wins in the good book, but I do know the Bears will win this game. Jesus, that sounds corny.

Houston at Indianapolis - No-brainer. Unless #1 overall draft pick Mario Williams piles up 10 sacks, the Houston D will be incapable of stopping the Colts.

New Orleans at Green Bay - #2 overall draft pick Reggie Bush, meanwhile, will be having a goddamned field day running the fuck over Green Bay's terrible defense. This will not be a 51-3 whipping. At least, not for the Saints.

N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia - I LOVES ME SOME BLACK QUARTERBACKS!

Oakland at Baltimore - Oakland does twice as bad and Baltimore does twice as good. Christ, the Raiders are awful this year.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta - By kickoff, Jon Gruden will have spent 160 straight hours screaming at the Bucs. The coaching staff will have screened Child's Play in the film room. The Buccaneers will have their game of the season this Sunday, lest Chucky murder them in their sleep. (And if Chris Simms performs like he did last Sunday, that might just happen anyway.)

Arizona at Seattle - As long as the Madden curse doesn't strike in this game, Seattle should do all right.

St. Louis at San Francisco - The Rams beat Denver last week and the 49ers are horrible.

Kansas City at Denver - Trent Green is actually dead and will be missed. Jake Plummer does his thing (his good thing, I mean, not his "throw 5 INTs" thing) and the Donkos win.

New England at N.Y. Jets - 80,000 screaming fans are tough to ignore, plus, fuck the Patriots.

Tennessee at San Diego - BEEP BEEP ALL ABOARD THE LADAINIAN TOMLINSON BUS. 5,000 yards rushing on 3,000 carries for LdT.

Washington at Dallas - Homefield advantage. Seriously, flip a fucking coin.

Monday
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville - Charlie Batch can't do it twice in a row; his mom's hair just isn't that powerful. If Roflberger's healthy, though, pick the fucking Steelers. And then jump on the fucking bandwagon and keep sucking your own dicks. Someday, Pittsburgh, your uppance will come.

Week 1 recap

2006-09-14T02:23:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I dropped the ball on week 1 predictions. Oops. My laptop is dangerously close to a complete meltdown, so I'm loathe to use it. As it is, I'm using my girlfriend's laptop for this update.

So, week 1 came and went and there were some surprising performances as well as some disappointments (goddamn you, Bucs). Let's recap, yes?

Pittsburgh managed to come from behind thanks to some heads-up defense, some questionable Culpepper decisions, and a surprisingly competent Charlie Batch. I'm not sure what this game means for Culpepper and the Dolphins. Culpepper seems to be the one quarterback nobody can agree upon. He's either over- or underrated, depending on which sportswriter you're reading. If you look at his career numbers, he's obviously a solid QB. However, instance to instance, maybe not. Throwing 2 INTs in a row when your team is trying to come back after blowing a sizeable lead kinda sucks, guy. Either way, they've got a great kick & punt returner in Casper the Friendly Wideout, so... look out for that guy, I guess.

Atlanta absolutely blew away Carolina, which isn't a surprise. The Panthers don't seem to perform well without #89, which is why they wanted Keyshawn so badly: they needed someone to take the heat off of Steve Smith. Well, they got Johnson but may have lost Smith for a few weeks, so we'll have to see if the D can compensate for the offense's troubling lack of doing much of any godddamn thing.

Chad Pennington and the Jets, eh? I knew the kid had it in him, he just has a shoulder made of pediatric cancer patient wishes: far too fragile to stand up to the harsh reality of an 8-man rush. It doesn't hurt that the Titans kinda blow.

Philly beat the Texans, which isn't a huge surprise, unless you're getting paid to write about sports in which case you are frantically scrambling to explain your preseason dismissal of the Eaglets. Houston played better than they did last season and David Carr was pretty okay when he was able to remain upright. Honestly, I think the Eagles are a consistently underrated team like the Jaguars or the Bucs who can sneak into the playoffs and then either not go anywhere (Jags), win big (Bucs, eventually), or throw up onto their own 25 yard line during the last drive of the Superbowl (Eagles, lol). Anyway, there's no reason to discount McNabb this season. Unless you're some kind of dick who thinks everyone shows him love only because he's a black QB. If that's the case, nobody cares what you think. Have another Oxycontin.

And for the last game on Sunday, the Manning Bowl, what else can be said? The Colts D is their usual, awful self, and the Giants fucked themselves with penalties long before the horrible OPI call in the 4th. Vinatieri looked smooth as silk, too. Of course, the Colts did have plenty of opportunities to scout him during the approximately 200 playoff games he won for the Patriots against the Colts, so no big wonder they wanted him bad.

Which brings us to Monday Night Football, and the first doubleheader of MNF history. I dig on this, and I think everybody else did, too. I'd like to see more MFN doubleheaders in the regular season, and at the very least every season should start with one. If I could make a suggestion, however, I'd like the first game to be a little less of a field goal fiesta. Keep the second game crucifixion, though, 'cause us folks on the East Coast like to go to bed early sometimes.

So, there you go. Week 1 encapsulated. And yes, I'm deliberately ignoring the Bucs game, because it was awful. Chris Simms, you bastard, you broke my heart.

Charlie Batch

2006-09-04T23:48:00.000-04:00

So Ben Roffleberger goes down to appendicitis and won't start Thursday against the Dolphins. Smart money's on the 'Fins, gents.

Kyle Wright?

2006-09-04T23:43:00.000-04:00

FUCK HIM.

Also, has anyone else noticed Lou Holtz bears a striking similarity to Gordon from Dodgeball?

Preseason predictions (pars secundus) and some fantasy talk

2006-08-18T02:43:00.000-04:00

For me, the best part of last week's preseason action was when my girlfriend visited me at work and told me "Cinci won, 19-3." I asked her if she'd caught the score on ESPN or Sun Sports or what and she said "No, I kept watching the game after you left." Shit, I love this girl.

Anyway, this is not Dick Vermeil's blog, so I'll keep it cold and emotionless for as long as possible. I missed the chance to call tonight's games, but I'll be 100% honest: I would've picked the Giants over the Chiefs and the Eagles over the Ravens.

This kind of proves my point about the preseason, though: the Eagles have not done shit this preseason (1-2 currently), even when given teams that you'd think they could roll right the hell over. I know the first-string teams don't play too many downs, but honestly, when your backups are this cocksucking awful, you're in trouble.

Some ... I was originally going to say "surpring", but that's a bit strong... call it "eyebrow-raising" performances came from "Air" McNair and Eli Manning tonight. McNabb was a solid QB a few years ago, but apparently Philly's management disallows him to scamper for first downs, putting him in situations where if Westbrook is covered, he's fucked. Official Footlawl prediction: the Eagles will be lucky to post a 5-11 record this season.

I'll admit I didn't get a chance to watch the whole game, but seeing ESPN's postgame recap of the Chiefs/Giants game kinda makes me question Larry Johnson's value as #1 fantasy pick. I mean, he had 4 carries for 8 yards. A far cry from the 1,000 yards in one game everyone (including Reggie Bush if you've seen the ESPN phone commercials) is expecting.

My fantasy league's draft is Saturday, and I think I've got a pretty solid strategy for drafting. My personal top 5 are: LT, LJ, Caddylack, Barber, and Alexander. Alexander drops 'cause he's on the cover of this year's Madden, and the Madden curse is just a bit too eerie to be coincidence. If I wind up with an early pick, I'll choose any of those first 4 over Alexander, based soley on the curse. If by some fluke he survies to the second round, I'll happily pick him as a backup and start him as an offensive utility player, but Jesus Christ, I'm going to laugh long and hard at the poor, dumb bastards who pick him ASAP in the first round after he goes down in week 5 with a herniated penis or whatever it is that keeps RBs down these days.

As a fantasy aside, I've seen a lot of magazines listing the Tampa Bay defense in the top 5, behind teams like the Bears, Panthers, Steelers, etc. Last year, the Bucs' D allowed 277.8 yards per game, lowest by far in the league. I'd really love to take their D for my fantasy team, but I'm not convinced they've got the freshness in them. They have an early bye week and that 3-games-in-10-days streak around Thanksgiving is going to murder them. As I said in one of the first posts, their top 7 defensive players have a combined 69 years of experience. Yipes. Gives me diarrhea.

Anybody who picks Neil Rackers as their kicker deserves a steel-toed boot to the testicles. I am volunteering my steel-toed boots for duty, even with my torn-to-shit right knee. Bryant, kicker for the Bucs, looks to be a good pick. That's an offical Footlawl prediction. Unless your fantasy league gives points for long boots, in which case, fuck it pick Rackers. Who cares? Apparently kickers are all the same.

Friday
Cincinatti at Buffalo
Detroit at Cleveland
San Diego at Chicago

Saturday
Carolina at Jacksonville
Miami at Tampa Bay
Arizona at New England
Atlanta at Green Bay
Houston at St. Louis
Minnesota at Pittsburgh
NY Jets at Washington
Tennessee at Denver

Sunday
Seattle at Indianapolis
San Francisco at Oakland

Monday
Dallas at New Orleans

You better fuckin' believe I'm calling in sick to work tomorrow and Saturday. There is no way I am going to miss a Panthers/Jaguars & Bucs/Dolphins double-header. Plus, the Chargers/Bears could get interesting.

And this weekend, I'd really like to get out to Disney's Wide World of Sports to see the Bucs work through some drills. There was an article by Len Pasquarelli on ESPN.com not too long ago about Simeon Rice and how he's sad his name isn't as recognized as, say, Michael Strahan's. I wanna give the big lug a big hug. And also to tell him to give Roflberger flashbacks to his motorcycle accident come 12/03/2006.

Also, everyone needs to check out Pandora.com, 'cause it's pretty wicked. Type in the name of a song you dig or an artist you like and watch it pick out similar suggestions automatically. Footlawl recommends the artist Psyclon Nine. That's right, evil synth-pop/EBM and football. I think you'll find they complement each other quite nicely.

Predictions

2006-08-13T20:01:00.000-04:00

With 2 minutes to kickoff tonight, Footlawl is 7-7 on preseason predictions. That's just awful. I wish I could have seen what Houston did to go 10 points up on Kansas City.

Jim Sorgi more like Jim Sucki

2006-08-10T21:23:00.000-04:00

Watching the game now, it occurs to me that Indianapolis better pray to whatever dark gods they serve that Peyton Manning stays healthy, otherwise they are fucked.

Also, Isaac Bruce is still playing pro ball? Jesus.

Edit: So the Colts got stomped. The score doesn't tell the story of the game. Indianapolis fans should pucker their sphincters in grim anticipation of an injury to Peyton Manning. Sean King did all right at one point (to quote a friend, regarding that specific point: "All the Colts need to do to win is wear down the opposing team until they're playing their 4th-string defense.") but Jim Sorgi flat-out fucking sucks. Even Pey-ton's presence might not be enough to overcome the shitty defense.

Ok, fair point: the defense is banged up from training camp (cue clip of Jeremy Shockey talking, quite fairly, about guys getting banged up during training camp), but guess what, Indy? Injuries happen. And if Pey-ton goes down, your season goes down with him. Don't get me wrong, I'd hate to see Peyton get hurt, but just because he's started 128 straight games doesn't mean he's guaranteed 129. Plan for that, Indy. And in return for that advice, all I ask is that if you do win the Superbowl, you whip the mortal piss out of the Patriots on your way. Thanks.

I was kind of surprised by the level of play the Rams brought, to be honest. A few workhorse backs who would just not go down, some beautiful sideline receptions, and a quarterback who's not afraid to scramble (even if he is scrambling because he's afraid of defensive linemen) overcame probably the worst defensive effort you'll (hopefully) see this season. Though the Rams didn't do much defensively either. Any 3 and outs the Colts had were mostly due to backup offensive ineptitude than stellar (or even average) defensive playing.

And this is why I love/hate the preseason. The games suck, enjoyment comes from mocking the level of play, the games mean absolutely bupkiss except to those kids giving their best in an attempt to catch Dungy's eye, but tonight Fox was a crystal ball, allowing me to view a world without Peyton Manning. The future is grim, Indy fans, but if the Back to the Future trilogy taught me anything (and it taught me a lot), it's that the future isn't written in stone.

Right now, your older brother and sister (i.e. your playoff hopes) are disappearing because your mom and dad haven't kissed yet (i.e. you haven't met a solid 2nd-string QB), but if you pick up your guitar and play the rhythm line for "Earth Angel," (i.e. actually get off your asses and scout/hire a fucking quarterback worth a damn) they'll kiss and fall in love and then you and crazy old Doc Brown can go back to 1985 and get shot by fucking Libyans (i.e. ... well, actually, I don't have a parallel for this one).

Oh, and the Eagles won but I couldn't see the game on TV. 1-1 on official predictions.

Preseason predictions

2006-08-10T11:42:00.000-04:00

Praise God and pass the pigskin, it's football season. As stated in an earlier post, I don't give two shits if you don't give two shits about the preseason. Football is football, even if Pey-ton is only gonna play a few minutes of football tonight.

How can anybody shit on 3 straight weeks where 4 out of 7 days of the week will have a football game on TV? I just don't understand you people. I guess I'll have to address the preseason in a post of its own soon, but until then let's have fun predicting the outcomes of games that have no meaning except to the poor dumb bastards who struggle for a place on the squad during those 60 minutes their teams are on the field.

First, Hall of Fame weekend. Good Lord, that Brian Westbrook can scamper, can't he? It's just too damn bad for his knee ligaments that he's going to have to be the Eagles' #1 receiver AND a workhorse RB. Better cook up some Campbell's Chunky, Mrs. McNabb. Also, the Raiders: lol. That's all you need to know about them this year. And yeah, I'm dismissing an entire team based on their performance in a meaningless exhibition game where the starters only played for around 15 minutes. That's the kind of committment to excellence you can expect from Footlawl.

Anyway, on to this weekend. Tonight the Eagles host the Browns (kick-off is at 7:30) and the Rams host the Colts (kick-off at 8:00, game televised nationally on FOX). The Eagles will dominate the Browns all night. Philly fans will throw batteries. And to start a tradition, everytime the Browns are mentioned, I will show my undying love for the name ~*Romeo Crennel*~. It's my favorite name in the NFL after <3 Lovie Smith <3.

So, the Colts. Of course Peyton's going to come out and want to whiz some balls towards the end zone, and the Edge is gonna want to burn up some artificial turf on his way to the end zone, so look for the Colts to take an early lead. It'll be.... hmmm, hold on a second.

Oh my God, the Colts actually shitcanned Edgerrin James? Holy Christ, I thought that was a joke! Oh, Tony Dungy. Oh, Indianapolis. Jesus. It's a fucking good thing they picked up Vinatieri, assuming their defense doesn't give up so many points that the game ends up with 3+ points difference. As long as he can fire off last-second field goals for the win, the Colts might actually go to the Superbowl this year.

HAHAHAHA just kidding, Indianapolis. You had your chance and lost it. The key to the Colts' offensive attack was the play-action pass. Fake a hand-off to Edgerrin (who is absolutely a threat to burn your D for 140 yards on one play), watch 8 guys bite hard, then float a ball to one of the 40 receivers 70 yards away, touchdown, Colts lead 38-7. Look for any team facing the Colts this season to adopt the 0-0-11 defense. It's going to be hilarious.

(PS- it's now known that one of the main reasons Arizona wanted Edge was for his blocking abilities. Wrap your fucking heads around that one; I just threw up from laughing. Oh yeah, I'll take the Colts tonight. Did I forget to mention that?)

Let's run-down the rest of the weekend with a quickness. Projected winners are in bold.

Friday
Denver at Detroit
NY Jets at Tampa Bay (7:30 on ABC if you're in Orlando)
New England at Atlanta (8:00 on CBS)
NY Giants at Baltimore
Chicago at San Francisco

Saturday
Pittsburgh at Arizona
Buffalo at Carolina
Jacksonville at Miami (7:30 on UPN [for fuck's sake] if you live in Orlando)
Kansas City at Houston
New Orleans at Tennessee
Dallas at Seattle
Green Bay at San Diego

Sunday
Washington at Cincinnati (8:00 on NBC)

Monday
Oakland at Minnesota (8:00 on ESPN)

I swear I don't have a hard-on for the NFC South. Also, Saints v. Titans? Reggie Bush and Vince Young? Who wouldn't murder a second-tier relative to see that game?

YouTube Football Videos

2006-08-05T01:45:00.000-04:00

Hurricanes highlight reel with fucking Motorhead for the soundtrack.

Hurricanes 2005 season highlight reel with NFL Films music soundtrack. If you don't dig on Sam Spence's tunes, you're a fucking Communist. This one is especially good because last season a friend of my Dad's kept telling us "Oh, Miami's still got to go through Wake Forest! They beat us [FSU] and we beat you, so your season's not over." Every time he started sucking Wake Forest cock, I'd make the international jerk-off motion and he'd say "Well, we'll see who's jerking off who after the game." We didn't watch it with him, but I kind of wish we had, because Miami put Wake Forest down like they were a pack of heat-sick dogs thrashing madly in the middle of a street.

Caddy-lack Williams highlights. Ignore the fact that it starts with a video of the ESPN draft coverage and watch Caddylack run like a fucking maniac.

2002 NFC Championship Game where the Bucs absolutely ruin the Eagles. In sub-40* weather. Eat shit, you curse-mongerers. Be sure to watch for Ronde Barber blitzing from McNabb's back. That motherfucker zips into the frame so fucking fast you don't really know what it is you've just seen. Absolutely terrifying, and not just for NFL quarterbacks. Remember that for 8 months of the year they let that psychopath walk freely around.

Part 1 of NFL Films' "Believe," the story of the 2002-03 Buccaneers. Part 2 and part 3. If you can watch these, knowing even the smallest bit about how much the Bucs struggled in the past, without getting misty-eyed, you probably voted for Bush in '04 and would welcome a police-state as a method with which to express your latent homosexual desires. Ooh, powerful men with utility belts want to kick in my door? And TIE ME DOWN!? WHERE DO I SIGN UP!?

This is methadone, though, compared to real, live football coverage. The first TV-covered game of the pre-pre-season is on Sunday, and that game is even more meaningless than the much-shit-upon pre-season. I know the pre-season games are a hassle, because COME THE FUCK ON LET'S PLAY ALREADY but I will let you in on a little secret: watch the pre-season games and you can generally tell how some teams will do.

It's not 100% guaranteed (see last years' Jets), but every coach in the league hates losing. I remember with razor-sharp clarity one pre-season game starring the Kansas City Chiefs and some other team. The Chiefs were media darlings that season, everyone knew they were going to the Superbowl, blah blah blah. The Chiefs started their 2nd string offensive line, 3rd string running back, all that shit. The other team started running all over the Chiefs. Their QB couldn't get a ball off accurately, the RB couldn't gain positive yards, it was a fucking disaster. At the start of the second half, the Chiefs put their 1st string offensive line in against the other team's second string D-line and STILL GOT DOMINATED. Tell me that's not something you'd like to know before the season starts?

I know you sick, self-absorbed fucks will discount my advice and shit on the pre-season but when I knew 4 weeks ago that the Chiefs can't block shit, I will fleece you like a puffy sheep for all the cash you have in your wallet. I will offer double or nothing, a spread, and points, and you will owe me your sisters. And that is frankly how I want it to be.

What the Fuck?-aneers

2006-08-05T00:34:00.000-04:00

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT YOU ARE WEARING, CHRIS SIMMS??

Google Asks the Tough Questions

2006-07-24T14:09:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure you did.

Jesus God

2006-07-24T01:39:00.000-04:00

I couldn't have been more wrong re: World Cup predictions. This is to be expected, however. You're reading words written by a guy who believed with all his heart that the Jets were going to the Superbowl last year before that shifty-eyed cocksucker known as God crippled 4 of their quarterbacks. If you'd told me back then that Vinny Testaverde was going to get called in to suit up as QB 3 weeks into the regular season, I'd have called you a whore and slapped you in the mouth.

But the bitter rage of seeing Italy cheat their way to a World Cup is abating, and my fruitless quest for sports-related distractions is at a high as it usually is this time of the season. Ye gods, can it really be so close to August? ESPN is still rife with talk about who's signed who and which quarterback's knee still resembles cold spaghetti. Their NCAA section did have an article which caught my eye, however:
Miami safety Cooper shot, teammate returns fire. Go 'Canes!

Like a heroin addict awaiting his dealer's delivery, my mouth goes dry and my gut twists up in anticipation of the imminent season kick-off. ACC football starts August 31, and sweet screaming Jesus the NFL preseason kicks off August 13. And I've just been struck with the realization like a cold knife in my chest: that's very soon. I need a job, and desperately. How else will I have money to throw away on ill-advised and ill-informed football bets?

I've been cranky lately, anybody who's talked football with me lately will tell you that. I ignore my girlfriend because the Sun Channel (a local TV channel in Florida) is playing repeats of Florida, Florida State, and Miami games in the evenings. Last night I was at a wedding reception where I got to talking football with a guy who could very well give me a job in the near future. When he mentioned he liked Notre Dame because of their "tough schedule," I called him "a mick-loving cocksucker and an IRA collaborator" because his team "makes up their own rules about how and when they win national championships." A precise recollection is impossible due to imbibing of strong drink.

On a personal note, and one related to the demon rum, a very close personal friend of mine is getting married next Saturday. As the best man, I'm to give a toast, it seems. It's been suggested that I tell an amusing anectdote from our shared past. The families of both bride and groom will be there, and they are people of sensitive constitutions. Best to avoid any and all stories starting with "Once, when the two of us were completely fucked up..." Hard to recall any and all stories not starting with same.

Ben ROFLberger

2006-06-29T03:34:00.000-04:00

So by now I'm sure everyone's heard about "Big" Ben Roethlisberger's motorcycle accident. He showed up at the Steelers' practice facility on Monday, claiming he wants to be back on the field in time for the start of training camp. (Story)

Homeboy's still got a broken jaw (and is only able to eat soft foods as a result), his face is still too scary to be seen in public (he wore a hood when he visited the Steelers' front office), and yet he's lifting weights and trying to start at training camp.

Footlawl has been critical of Ben Roethlisberger in the past (in fact, it's editorial policy here), but much like Brett Favre playing after his Dad died, this is one of those things that shows the kid has heart, and I can only respect it. Clearly he has a love of the game and a desire to play, which is a rare find in many of today's NFL superstars (think T.O. sitting out a season because he felt like he was worth more money).

But here's the thing: he hasn't proven himself to me yet, and every article that comes out hyping this kid up (with the exception of ones like the above, which have nothing to do with his ability to play, just his desire), it's harder for him to live up to the hype. Granted, Roflberger doesn't need to impress only me, but if the Pittsburgh Fanboy section could take some time away from reading Harry Potter/Hines Ward gay slash fic, they'd realize that if they lost some key players (and they did this year: Randle El) they'd be completely fucked.

Please, Ben, prove me wrong this year. I want to respect your skills, and not just your work ethic. Right now you're just Terry Bradshaw with Brett Favre's arm.

The Other Football

2006-06-29T02:39:00.000-04:00

But first let's talk about the World Cup!

At this point, Germany's playing well, England's gotten lucky, Brazil is floating past their opponents on cotton candy fairy wings, Argentina's playing with a ferocity that has to make Maradona proud, watching France play pisses me off for some reason I can't quite grasp (it has nothing to do with "Freedom" fries, trust me), Italy is making the most of the ref robbing the USA of a game back in group play, and Ukraine wtf.

Predictions: Germany whips Argentina so hard, Maradona goes bald in the stands. England v. Portugal winds up 1-0, flip a coin to see who advances. Brazil breezes on by France. Italy and Ukraine compete, one team wins, and both teams go out for pizza afterwards because that's what Little League teams do. Either way, Germany rolls on whoever wins that match.

England/Portugal will have to face Brazil. From what I've seen of Portugal, they're doomed if they go up against Brazil. England's probably got the best shot because they won't be blown away by the fact they're going up against RONALDINHO DEFENDER OF BRAZIL. Wayne Rooney will just elbow him in his ugly fucking horse face and then take a dive in the box in hopes of letting Beckham score on a free kick. This will occur at least 20 times in the match.

The finals will most likely be Germany v. Brazil with a slight chance of Germany v. England. Either way, Germany wins the Cup this year, unless England can really step up their level of play, which I'm hoping they do.

By Way of Explanation

2006-06-29T02:31:00.000-04:00

So what the fuck happened to "Footlawl"? Believe it or not, one or two people have asked me this. SO THERE, ESPN! BLOGS GONNA BRING THE REVOLUTION!

Whatever.

Anyway, things have been fairly hectic in my life. I got a job with EA/Tiburon in Maitland as a QA tester for "NFL Head Coach," which is out now so I think it's safe to say it's the worst fucking game ever made. If it's not out yet, just read that as "...might be the worst fucking game ever made." The job required intense overtime, and a few weeks where I worked 100 or so hours. Quite simply, there was not time for Footlawl or much of anything else. Kinda difficult to post my opinions on the Houston Texans, a team I care nothing about, when all I have time for is work and sleep.

I left the position over a dispute with wages, so I was left with needing something to do. I moved to Virginia about a month ago, and have had other things on my mind since. Now, I'm kicking around the idea of going back to Orlando to go back to school and git me some learnin'.

But hey, this isn't a place to express feelings and emotions! If you want that shit, go read Dick Vermeil's blog. NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT FUCKING FOOTBALL!! YEAH!

Draft Recap Part 1

2006-05-02T11:36:00.000-04:00

Since I'm at home from work with pink eye, I figured I'd go ahead and fire off a rundown of the first round of the draft. Here's part 1, the first 16 teams.

Houston Texans
In a move that was a given from the end of their 2-14 season, the Texans picked Mario Williams, DE from NC State. There was no other player in the draft set to make an impact on a struggling franchise than this guy. Smart pick, Houston.

New Orleans Saints
Reggie Who?! Sheesh. This guy better make an impact.

Tennessee Titans
All right, let's get serious. Obviously everyone thought the Texans would take Reggie Bush, but they did need help on D and Williams might be the guy for the job. They just better hope he does damn well or else they'll be the butt of jokes for the rest of the franchise's existence. Of course, that assumes Reggie Bush lives up to the hype.

Speaking of hype, after the Titans literally banned Steve McNair from their training facility, it became pretty clear to anybody with his head not in his ass that the Titans were in the market for a QB. The only question was which of the two big names it would be.

Matt Leinart, who won the 2004 Heisman, probably would've been the safer choice, but after Vince Young's performance in the Rose Bowl (which I've only read about; I was in boot camp at the time) his draft stock rose dramatically. He's a flashy player- a guy who's not afraid to scramble out of the pocket at quick speeds to make yards for his team. Of course, this also means "he's a guy who doesn't mind shattering his femur running headlong into A.J. Hawk." I'll give the Titans credit for taking Young; either of the two would've been a smart choice, but Leinart will wind up winning the longevity award.

New York Jets
The draft was held at Radio City Music Hall in NYC, and the stands were packed with rabid Jets fans. When the Jets went on the clock, the place went nuts. Surely they'll draft Matt Leinart to replace ~~Chad Pennington~~ Captain Noodlearm of the 51st Prettyboy Brigade. So what if they just got Patrick Ramsey and this time for real Pennington's rotator cuff is repaired? It's Matt Leinart! He kind of looks like Tom Brady! NO! let's draft D'Brickashaw Ferguson! Let's make the smart pick! The safe pick! Pussies.

Green Bay Packers
How fucking hilarious would it have been if the Packers had drafted Leinart? No need, gentlemen! We've got Brett Fucking Favre and Aaron Rodgers! Forget the fact that a) nobody knows for sure how Rodgers will perform in the pros (except for three games he played in where he threw 9/16 for an average of 4 yards, one INT, and 3 sacks for 28 yards) and b) everybody knows for sure how Favre will perform (hint: fucking terrible)!

Perhaps I'm being too harsh. Aaron Rodgers will probably do well for the Pack, and to take another QB this year would risk a legacy like Jacksonville (new RBs every year but nobody to replace Fred Taylor, who can't run more than 12 feet without tearing 3 of 4 major knee ligaments). A.J. Hawk's a beast, and as a firm believer in defensive dominance, I gotta say he should help the Packers this year.

San Francisco 49ers
The feel-good story of the draft: A poor black kid grows up with his grandmother, focuses on football and becoming the best goddamn tight end ever. Does so. Gets drafted 6th overall in the draft. Spends his paychecks on whores and cocaine. Is arrested for possession 3 years from now.

I kid, I kid. Sort of. Anyway, Vernon Davis is big and kinda slow, but Antonio Gates was slow in his combine, so no worries. A solid choice.

Oakland Raiders
Holy shit, did you see Michael Huff's highlight tape? I sure didn't; I was in the shower. Anyway, Oakland needs D and this guy sounds like a beast. He's aggressive and makes big hits, and he's able to play corner and safety. Count on him to play safety in the NFL and look for him to have some high FF numbers in his career.

Buffalo Bills
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Detroit Lions
I remember watching Ernie Sims play for FSU and thinking, "Here's a guy who cramps up an awful lot." Of course, that's because he was playing for Bobby Bowden, whose strategy has always been "As soon as the opposing team gets any kind of momentum going, tell my defense to fake cramps to force timeouts and break the flow of the drive." You cocksucker.

Anyway, now that he's away from whatever's in the Tallahassee aquifer that causes massive cramping in the final quarters of football games, he's gonna play solid ball. A lot of people say he was a bit of a reach at #9, and that's probably true, but the Lions could've done a lot worse.

Arizona Cardinals
I don't want it to sound like I'm gay for Matt Leinart (even though I totally am), but I'm sort of surprised he dropped to #10. I figured the Titans to take either Young or Leinart, leaving the Jets the option to put out feelers for anybody willing to trade for whoever was left, but whatever. Everybody drafted positions that needed help and got more or less the right people for the job (except Buffalol) so I'm not shocked, but I am sort of left shaking my head. Nobody in 28 teams wanted to trade up? Did the phone system go down at Radio City?

Anyway, Kurt Warner hasn't done a fucking thing with his life since his second year pro in 1999 when he threw 41 TDs and just 13 INTs. He had a few years of solid numbers afterwards, but lately... well, he's sucked lately, let's just leave it at that. No reason to bring up facts like in 7 years of pro ball he's only had 2 where he's started all 16 games.

So, the Cardinals have a new stadium that looks sort of like Penn Station from the inside and who better to consecrate the new digs than Leinart? God, I can't get over how awful Kurt Warner is. Good job on the pick, Arizona.

Denver Broncos
You can talk about inconsistency in a lot of different ways, and mostly you'll be talking about guys like Jake Plummer. Jay Cutler is a good #2 guy to have in case Plummer is more "the Mistake" than "the Snake" this year.

Baltimore Ravens
If I was a running back in the NFL, you couldn't pay me enough to run towards Haloti Ngata. Homeboy is 6'4" and weighs 337 fucking pounds. Yikes.

Cleveland Browns
Kamerion Wimbley is another solid defensive player from Florida State. He can play DE or LB, and that'll be a good fit for the 3-4 they run up in Cleveland. He's got decent enough speed to rush the passer.

Philadelphia Eagles
Another defensive lineman from Florida State, Brodrick Bunkley should kick some ass. People have pointed out that he doesn't have a lot of moves to beat the linemen, but he'll learn, and when he does, he's gonna be murderous. He benched 225 pounds 40+ times, for fuck's sake.

St. Louis Rams
Tye Hill is only 5'9", which is dangerously short for a corner. I remember watching FSU at UVa last year and their #1 CB was about 5'9" and against a 6'5" receiver. UVa managed to move the ball way downfield on their first two plays on incomplete passes thanks to pass interference from the Little Cornerback That Could. Put this guy in a position to make a play on the ball before it gets to the receiver, though, and he'll be disruptive.

Miami Dolphins
Hey, another CB! Let's all welcome the newest Dolphin, Jason Allen, who didn't play at all last year. He says his hip injury isn't an issue, which it may not be. I'm a believer that no matter how good a kid is in college, he's gotta prove himself in the pros. Cadillac Williams may have been an amazing RB at Auburn, but he did fumble an awful lot in Tampa Bay. He's not an awful player by any stretch, but if he doesn't learn to hold onto the football, he'll obviously never be a marquee player.

Dr. Greenthumb, paging Dr. Greenthumb.

2006-04-26T01:22:00.000-04:00

Ricky Williams was suspended for the entirety of 2006 season after his appeal to the NFL regarding his fourth violation of the substance abuse policy failed. The Dolphins said in a statement that they'd welcome Williams back for 2007. Everybody agrees that even battered wives and/or the Packers would've said "Adios, asshole" by now.

The best day in football news ever? Footlawl says: yes.

OMG BRETT FAVRE OMG

2006-04-26T00:55:00.000-04:00

Brett Favre has announced he will play for the Packers for the 2006 season. Jesus Christ, I'm laughing so hard here I might just shit my pants. He's gonna be 37 fuckin' years old this year, Green Bay! HIS HAIR IS GREY! Fuck, sign Air McNair, Kurt Warner, SIGN ANYBODY EXCEPT BRETT FAVRE YOU WENT 4-12 LAST SEASON, GUYS YOU CAN DO A LOT BETTER TRUST ME!!

Oh my God. Seriously. He threw 20 TDs last season, which isn't too bad until you realize fully half of those were thrown in October, with 4 of them in one game against Carolina. Plus there was that one against Cleveland or somebody where the final score was like 51-3. I'm pretty sure that one helped just a bit with the season total. He also managed to throw 29 INTs last season, which is abysmal for Favre. In 2001, he had 7 games where he threw none. In 2005, he had fucking two. In 2001, he had one game against Minnesota where he threw 0 TDs. In 2005, he had 6. Brett Favre didn't throw a single touchdown in December of 2005.

Attention, Green Bay: Brett Favre sucks. The only reason he did so well early in his career is because he was addicted to pain-killers. If your QB can't feel pain, of course he's gonna be able to get right back up after a sack and throw a 99-yard TD pass. I fucking hate Brett Favre. For all the talk about Barry Bonds' steroid use and how so many records in baseball will have to have asterisks next to them now, I've heard precisely dick about how Brett Favre played his early seasons stoned out of his mind. Rush Limbaugh took more flack for pain-killer use than Brett Favre has or ever will.

Fuck Brett Favre. The only credit he gets in my book is coming to play football the night after his dad died. That takes heart, which means a lot. Too bad no more relatives died the next week, 'cause the Pack fucking lost, and that's hilarious. God, fuck Brett Favre. So hard.

An In-Depth Look at

2006-04-18T20:26:00.000-04:00

the Carolina Panthers.

Offense
Carolina's had a solid offense for a few years now, and with Keyshawn Johnson added to the roster, I'd say it's gonna be even harder to shut down the Panthers this season. I remember watching the Panthers-Seahawks NFC championship game and seeing Steve Smith catch 5 balls for a whopping 33 yards. At one point, and I swear to God this is true, CBS put a little yellow arrow on the screen to indicate "#89 - Steve Smith," that's how shut-down he was.

Anyway, when the one guy capable of catching a forward pass can't because he's being mobbed by opposing players and your running game consists of guys I've never heard of (Edit: I want to point out that of course I didn't forget about DeShaun Foster, but I bet you forgot he was injured when the Panthers played the Seacocks), it's no surprise your pass rating is gonna be 0.9 going into the 4th quarter. In the whole game, Delhomo threw 1 TD and 3 INTs and was sacked twice. I'd wager if you could replay that game with Keyshawn Johnson as #2 receiver, the Superbowl would've ended with the refs handing the Steelers the game anyway, but a different team would've gone home feeling robbed.

I'm not afraid to admit I've never heard of 90% of Carolina's offense. It doesn't really matter, 'cause for the past few years, the Panthers have had an intangible oneness about them. They click. They work together as a team. They are the well-oiled, smooth-running counterpart to the Bucs' rusty herky-jerk unreliable team. Plus, Jake Delhomme is, like Vito Spatafore, a real come-from-behind guy. And I mean that in the sense that he's capable of leading his team to victory from seemingly unsurmountable defecits, not in the sense that he takes cock up the ass (but he might do this, too).

At the start of last season, everybody was saying Carolina was going to the big game. Don't lie to me, fuckers; you probably said it, too. I didn't say it, though. I was too busy predicting the Jets were going to take it all last year. Though I hardly think that can count against me because really, who would've forseen the Jets completely destroying 4 goddamned QBs?

Anyway- Carolina offense: Who? Eh, doesn't matter.

Defense
Much like the offense, I've never heard of any of these guys. Sure, Julius Peppers and Mike Rucker do their jobs, but hey, double up on those guys and you've done a lot towards stopping their pass rush.

And really, like the offense, it doesn't matter that they don't have icon players because they will play solidly. Edit: I want to flesh this out, because I don't want it to seem like I'm dismissing the league's #3 overall defense. I'm not. I'm simply saying a) the defense, much like the offense, doesn't have what you might call icon players- names known beyond we football addicts for whom the preseason is like cold-turkey heroin withdrawal, and b) I doubt the NFL's third-best defense cares too much about their lack of Troy Polamalu, that's all.

To flesh my feelings on it out more would require a separate post (which I will probably write very soon), but I wanted to highlight the Bucs and the Panthers first because they seem to be the two opposite ends of the spectrum as far as teams coming together, at least as far as the NFC goes. The Bucs won't win in spite of their All-Pro defense; they don't have the intagible quality, that cohesion. The Panthers won't win, either, and that's a goddamned shame because they do have that cohesion. All I need to do to get the warm-fuzzies is think back to Delhomme's first season with the Panthers after being a nobody for the goddamned New Orleans Ain'ts when he won the Superbowl against the Patriots. Of course, their kicker promptly lost the game for them, but that's life. End edit.

Overall
Unfortunately, I don't see the Panthers getting close to the Superbowl again for a very long time. Sure, they'll be a perennial contender, and will probably be the number one headache in the NFC South for me as a Bucs fan, but that's about it. Keyshawn Johnson's gonna do a lot as far as taking the pressure off Steve Smith and will help Delhomme immensely, but he is 33 years old. Yeah, I know I dismissed that argument with the Bucs' receivers, but Keyshawn's a fucking asshole and I can see him holding out after this year for even more money. The Panthers won't pay it because Keyshawn Johnson is not the threat he once was. I mean, the whole reason the Panthers signed him was to act as a distraction so maybe Delhomme could throw the ball to Steve Smith some more.

Keyshawn will walk and get signed by some dickhole team like the Browns for one year at $30.9 million, take the money, then run.

But that's not your problem, Carolina fans. Your problem is going to be losing in the playoffs for the next 4 or 5 years. But take heart: you've got a team you shouldn't be embarrassed by, except for the fact that the logo for the Panthers always makes me think of those airbrushed wolf t-shirts.

In Summary
Keyshawn plays his final year next year in Cleavelolnd; Panthers make the playoffs every year for the next 4 or 5 or until they get rid of Delhomme, whichever comes first; Panthers logo? Kinda gay.

Donovan McNabb

2006-04-16T19:26:00.001-04:00

As long as I'm talking football (and anybody who knows me will tell you it's next to impossible to get me to shut up once I get going) I wanna comment on something I saw at some other worthless football blog.

This blowhard was going on about how Donovan McNabb was more of a choke artist than Peyton Manning because he blew 3 consecutive AFC playoff games at home plus a Superbowl. He posited the rhetorical question "Why doesn't anybody say McNabb's a choke artist?" then answered it with "It's because he's black."

No, no, NO, NO. It's because when you manage to throw 49 touchdowns and only 10 interceptions in a season and then can't throw a single TD against the Patriots, you are rightfully labelled a choke artist. The argument against Manning is that he consistently loses to New England at home in January. He's a spoiled pretty-boy who loves his RCA Dome and can't handle the elements. Last season, the Colts were poised to unseat the '72 Dolphins, then lost to San Diego and Seattle. And then lost again to the Steelers in the RCA dome to knock themselves out of the playoffs.

McNabb's a great QB, but he's not laying waste to records like Manning. The expectations just aren't there for McNabb. Maybe it's unfair, but it's the truth. Color has nothing to do with it and frankly I can't wait until we put away this petty black quarterback/black coach horseshit.

An In-Depth Look at

2006-04-16T18:32:00.002-04:00

the Buccaneers.

Offense
Let's face facts: the Bucs have never, ever, not once in their 30 years, had a solid offense. Sure they've had good players (Vinny Testaverde and Steve Young spring immediately to mind) but haven't had the tools to complement the players who later go on to be integral parts of other teams' offenses (Vinny Testaverde and Steve Young spring immediately to mind). Mike Alstott, who scored something like 97.3% of all Tampa Bay offensive touchdowns last season, is an exception, but that's because all he needs is space in front of him where there aren't defenders and/or a pile of guys less than 10' high he can simply leap over into the end zone.

As I said in the first entry, talking about the O-line is insanely boring. I realize they're the most-shit-on players in the NFL, and that's a shame because they're the most important players, but honestly- they hug big men 20 to 30 times every Sunday afternoon and that's it. If the Buccaneers need help at the line of scrimmage, I wouldn't know about it. As long as they create some room for Cadillac to scamper through and give Simms enough time to pass the ball before getting clobbered by Ray Lewis, fuck it. Moving on.

Some other website devoted to the Bucaneers mentioned they have old recievers who maybe aren't icons like T.O. or Steve Smith, but who cares? Did you see Joey Galloway last season? Yeah he's been in the league for 12 years, but he did well enough to allow the Bucs to go 11-5 before an embarrassing loss to the Redskins. If you're talking about drafting a new receiver, you're barking up the wrong tree. The Bucs already have 12 on their roster and don't need any more. If they can't find any decent WRs out of a pool of 12, there's no hope.

Some people will probably mourn the loss of Griese at QB, but those people are Fifth Columners, devoted to the downfall of the Buccaneers. Griese is a worthless son of a bitch and if he hadn't gotten injured early last season the streets of Lutz would've been filled with fans screaming for his head, there would be talk about finding a solid QB, and the young Chris Simms would've gone another year sitting at the #2 spot in the depth chart behind some mummified former franchise QB like Steve McNair. You can take this one to the bank- Simms will continue to play solid football as long as he has receivers who can get separation and running backs named after luxury cars to hand the ball to.

Defense
Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Looking at the Buccaneers' defensive roster gives me diarrhea. They've got spectacular players like Ronde Barber, Brian Kelly, Simeon Rice, Greg Spires, Anthony McFarland, Shelton Quarles, and Derrick Brooks but those 7 guys have been playing pro football for a combined total of 69 years. That's obscene. That's also the reason the Bucs won 4 of 11 games by 3 or less points. They totalled 7 games with a 3 or less differential. You don't need star offensive players when you've got maniacs like Ronde Barber on your defense preventing the other team from doing much beyond throwing interceptions and being sacked. However, when your defense starts to get tired and cranky about missing "60 Minutes" sometime in the early 3rd quarter, it might be time to start looking at getting some new blood on the defensive side of the ball.

When the Bucs made it to the play-offs last year, I was miserable. I would've loved to have seen another Superbowl win for them, of course, but of those 7, how many would've said "Jesus, I've been playing this game for 12 years now, maybe it's time to hang it up and admire my Superbowl rings" on the morning of Feb. 6?

Overview
The Bucs' defense is the only thing that saved them from another losing season last year and is the only thing John Gruden needs to be looking at in the draft and free agency. The offense isn't spectacular, but it never has been and doesn't need to be. You know what happens when you have an amazing offense but a shitty defense? You're the 2004 Indianapolis Colts, that's what.

Why "Footlawl"?

2006-04-16T18:21:00.000-04:00

Let's clear up the reasons I'm doing this first.

1) After a brief glance around the Internets for football blogs, I found that all of them are awful. Sure, they present reasonable arguments for why the Buccaneers need to draft a WR in the first round and shore up the O-line with free agency, but that shit is boring. I realize it's the preseason and there's a real lack of news for the NFL right now, but come on- make something up if you have to.

2) Hey Rube, by Hunter S. Thompson.

3) None of the blogs I looked at had the stones to say New England sucks and Ben Roethlisberger is overrated. I know, NFL heresy, but trust me on this one, folks. The so-called Patriots dynasty was a goddamned fluke and Ben Roffleberger can't throw a pretty spiral to save his life. Sure he can heave the fucking ball 300 yards but ask him to do it accurately? Forget it. Here at Footlawl, those two points will be our mission statement, if you will. Fuck the Patriots; Ben Roflberger is overrated.

4) This is getting boring and I want to write about the Buccaneers, so I'm gonna start a new entry.